In 1995, Consumer's Report interviewed hundreds of patients about different kinds of therapy. The results showed that all types of therapy was thought to be helpful - except for couples therapy.

Couples therapy has been a source of frustration among men. Using talk to solve problems puts them at a disadvantage. Women jump into therapy skilled in the art of talk.

From the first sessions women reveal their emotions and explain their distresses. Men, on the other hand, demonstrate their thoughts through actions, not words. In therapy, they must learn how to talk about emotions and solve relationship problems using language. Early in therapy, the most common expressions manifested by husbands are anger and frustration. More complicated emotions are less easily accessed. Few therapists address this inherent imbalance. For men, therapy sessions seem to drag on without resolution. Wives feel irritated and disappointed that their husbands cannot communicate with them. If therapy dissolves, the husbands are blamed for the failure.

SHARE YOUR THOUGHTS. Do you ever feel that your wife hears things you didn’t think you said? Have you participated in couple’s therapy? What was it like for you? Relate your experiences in our discussion forums.

We also benefited from the counseling we received from professional marriage therapists. They helped us to sort out our differences and look for the positives. We had to examine if we really wanted this marriage to survive. Neither my husband nor I have ever regretted seeking help. Most
definitely, each session has helped us to deepen our relationship and become stronger individuals. I strongly recommend therapy for all couples who are struggling with conflicts that stop them from growing together in their marriages. We now know that feeling better about ourselves helps us to bring more into our marriage." (Ellie, 64, married 45 years)

My wife and I typically have a major argument about once a month. I generally keep my cool; I seldom raise my voice. As soon as the argument is over, I'm already on my way to getting over it. I'm the type of person who gets things off my chest and moves on.

My wife always comes away from our arguments feeling bad. She's not as skilled a debater as I am, so she quite often terminates the discussion by saying, "I don't want to talk about this anymore.” She often raises her voice and calls me names out of frustration.

She initiated our marital therapy with a female LCSW. The therapist was able to convince me that arguments are only healthy if both people come away from the argument feeling valued and respected by each other. She said our problem was that we argue to win, rather than argue to compromise. I took some of her advice to heart, and reduced the number and severity of our arguments.

My only complaint at that time was sexual abandonment. I was led to believe that solving this problem would restore some intimacy to our relationship. Our therapist challenged me to improve the way I treated my wife during times of conflict, and I believe I met that challenge. She also challenged my wife to be less critical of me, because I had once complained about feeling under-appreciated.

I did the best I could to meet the challenge, but I believe nothing less that 100% success at avoiding arguments would satisfy my wife. Meanwhile, my wife did not change her behavior at all. It is my belief that my wife went into those sessions thinking she was enlisting an ally to change me . . . she was not prepared for the balanced approach our therapist used.

After a while, she stopped complaining in the sessions. She would talk about her problems with her family, my family, the kids, etc.. This led me to believe that the majority of our problems were external to our marriage.

I let my guard down, and then it happened: She criticized me once (in front of her parents, no less), and I snapped back. I said, "I am tired of your sh-t." I was tired of my best not being good enough for her. I was angry, and said something I shouldn't have. At our next session, we talked about it, and I admitted that I’d probably never be able to fully purge such outbursts from our communications.

Shortly thereafter, she made an admission of her own: it's too late to save our marriage. During all of those sessions where we talked about problems external to our marriage, she was not being honest. In her mind, the status of our marriage was still declining from within.

Marital therapy failed us, not because the therapist did a bad job, but because we did not make good use of the therapist.

I have two pieces of advice for anyone entering marital therapy. 1) If your therapist chooses sides, find another therapist. 2) If one of you starts talking about problems that aren't specific to what brought you into therapy, get the discussion back on track before it's too late." (Evan, 36, married 9 years)