| "It
is comforting to know that someone (particularly a man) is..."
more... |
"One
reason why men don't talk to each other as friends is the heavy
message growing up to be that real men are: more... |
"It
was an average day, a rainy weekend, and my wife was in the shower
after an afternoon shopping..."
more... |
| "Whoever
is writing this book, your challenge will be to get men to read
it... " more... |
| "I
got into the passenger’s seat and slammed the door of my
friend’s car. I had just had an argument with my wife..."
more... |
|
|
Behind
an able man there are always other able men. - Chinese Proverb
Throughout
history, men have learned strategies for maintaining successful
marriages without help from other men. Like finding their way
through a strange city, they believe they have no need for directions.
Given enough time and a few landmarks, they navigate through
it, or get lost trying.
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|
|
Women learn
about marriage from others. They watch TV and read books about
relationships. They meet with friends to talk. They share and
compare experiences.
When
hanging out with their buddies, men merely hint at their marital
issues. They share jokes, or knowing looks on the sidelines
of little-league games, but their conversations end there.
But men
need to share their feelings. Why do they so rarely talk about
them? Is there a scarcity of opportunity? Not enough time? Do
they lack the social skills to talk with other men?
Men can
learn from the experiences of other married men. The computer
offers a unique opportunity to do so. While they don’t spend
time talking, men do spend time on their computers.
HERE
IS YOUR CHANCE to share ideas with other men. Send a message
about the trials, tribulations and joys of being a married man.
Read postings by other men and respond. Your strategies and
experiences as a husband can enlighten others. You can even
ask for directions. Relate your experiences in our discussion forums.
|
| Contributors
can purchase the book directly from the site as it becomes available
soon. To learn more click on "About the Book."
|
|
| More
of Your Comments |
| "It
is comforting to know that someone (particularly a man) is interested
in making marriages work. I am impressed with your dedication
to this subject and will look forward to visiting this site more
often." (Sylvia, divorced, married 3 times) |
"One
reason why men don't talk to each other as friends is the heavy
message growing up to be that real men are:
1. Self-sufficient,
2. All knowing; needing no advice from anyone,
3. In control of any situation, and so on. There is no room for
vulnerability or need. So we can show that reality only to our
women, to some extent. (Even the women don't want to see our vulnerability
and need, many times.) Then
on top of that is the stuff about all interactions being essentially
sexual, so even when you reach out for friendship, its got to
be sexual.
After all,
the other message is also that real men are always:
4.
Looking for sex,
5. Ready for sex.
So the reasoning goes, why would you reach out for companionship
without sex being a big part of it?
The self-sufficiency
myth plus the sexual myth do a double whammy: You don't need
friends and if you do, it must be sexual.
No wonder men turn to other men to invite them to join them
in a drink, or a joint, or a porn flick, anything to keep themselves
from feeling what they are feeling.
Then there
are the males' poorer relationship skills and EQ (emotional
quotient) in general and it adds up to men not being so hot
on maintaining friendships compared to women.
In my ManKind
Project men's group, I see men liberated to be emotional and
express affection, and I am always struck how warm, unselfish,
nurturing and frank men can be when they are given permission.
It's a whole different world. Its quite beautiful to see what
real manly "heart" is like."
|
"It
was an average day, a rainy weekend, and my wife was in the shower
after an afternoon shopping. Having announced her exhaustion and
her period, I knew enough not to try to seduce her. But, with
a loving gesture, I offered to wash her back in the shower. So
far, so good.
While I scrubbed her, she described with bemused irritation how
our teen daughter mentioned she'd gained some weight. I, of course,
defended my wife. "Don't pay her no never mind," I reassured
her. "She's probably getting you back for telling her she
couldn't have an extra dessert last night."
The
truth is, when my wife and I got married, she wore a size 4 wedding
dress, but that was 13 years and 15 pounds ago. I still love her
body. It's changed, but not in a bad way.
So,
as a follow-up to my reassurances, she tells me she tried on a
size 0 (yes, that's right, zero) skirt at the store. Still enjoying
the
moment, I chimed in "You're no size zero!"
OOPS!
She wilted in front of me. Trapped in a moment of frank honesty,
steeped in a dialogue of warm openness, I slipped. I thought I
was merely sharing the pleasure of conversation, but instead I
entered the no-fly zone of conversation, weight, and got shot
down. She felt pretty
bad.
All
and all, the wound wasn't too deep for either of us. We still
love each other. But I thought about Secrets of Married Men, and
came to the web site to tell the story: The moral: love all of
your wife, but never remind her of how much of her there is to
love." (Wilson, 40, married 13 years)
|
| "Whoever
is writing this book, your challenge will be to get men to read
it. The wives will read it but you need to get the men to read
it -- good luck!" (Frank, age 57, married 32 years) |
| "I
got into the passenger’s seat and slammed the door of my
friend’s car. I had just had an argument with my wife. "I
don’t get it," I told my friend. "My wife keeps
telling me ‘I need to know how you feel.’ ‘Everything’s
fine,’ I keep telling her. So she asks again and again. I
kept trying to reassure her that there’s no problem. But
she’s convinced there’s something on my mind. Now, really,
there’s nothing so important that I even wanna talk about
it. But she insists I should tell her whatever’s on my mind.
Finally, I figure, why not? Now, the crazy thing is, I don’t
really care all that much. But, it’s like she really wants
me to talk about what’s bugging me. So I tell her. And I
make sure it’ s real clear that it’s just a minor thing.
I say, ‘Honey, I think we spent too much money on the sofa
for the living room. No big deal, though. It’s just what
I was thinking. But, really, it’s OK.’” My friend
listens as he drives. I continue. “I got creamed. My wife
was quiet at first. But, as I watched her silence, I knew I was
in trouble. ‘You know, you’re always critical of me,’
she began. ‘You had the opportunity to help pick out the
couch. I asked what you thought about it and you didn’t say
anything. Now, all of the sudden, you’re not happy with it.
I can’t believe you have the nerve to complain after all
that I’ve done.’” I could barely catch my breath.
I felt myself re-experiencing my frustration, right there in the
car, with my friend. Surprisingly, the story took us only to the
stop sign at the end of my road. I noticed my friend had a smug
smile. "What are you smirking at?” I asked. He replied,
"You’ve just experienced the ‘tell me what you’re
thinking—how dare you think that!’ phenomenon."
"You mean you’ve had that happen to you?" "All
the time. It used to, anyway. Now I’ve learned. Whenever
I’m tempted to talk, I just keep my mouth shut." Man,
I can’t tell you what an incredible relief it was to hear
my friend admit to having the same experience. I wasn’t tense
anymore. I had a better perspective. It no longer felt like it
was just me alone. And it also felt like I could handle it now…like
it wasn’t such a big deal. In fact, the whole situation became
kind of humorous." (Preston, 35, married 11 years)
|
| "Men
do talk. We talk about work. We talk about sports (especially
in New England, where the Patriots, Red Sox, Celtics, and Bruins
give us unending mysteries to ponder). And we talk about sex--
just not with our wives, nor with anyone who is actually likely
to want to have sex with us. But when we talk about our marriages,
we shake our heads sadly, acknowledge our powerlessness, and shrug
our shoulders." (Nick, age 45, married 11 years) |
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| The
examples on this website typify the experiences of many individuals
as told to Dr. Haltzman. They are intended to encourage discussion.
However, they should not be construed as describing all men and
women or husbands and wives. Dr. Haltzman welcomes other viewpoints
in response to the issues and topics. |
copyright
© 2000-2004 ScottHaltzman, MD
|
