| "Who's
the boss? Think "dealer's choice...." more... |
| "The
relationship constitutes the framework of the couple's future
behavior..." more... |
| "My
mom is assertive and thoughtful, and my dad is passive-aggressive..."
more... |
| "I
think that it took us 45 years to get to where we are now: that
marriage is an equal partnership. more... |
| "In
marriage your partner should be your best friend. Between friends
there is no boss..." more... |
|
|
Life is
full of choices. In marriage, partners always work together
to make decisions. Or do they?
A husband
is sick with an infection in his vocal chords. "You're
not going to work, tomorrow," commands his wife. "But
I must go," he protests. A typical difference of opinion?
Yes. But how conflict is resolved speaks volumes about the power
structure in the family. If you were the husband in this marriage,
would you
be at work the next day?
|
 |
|
At a recent
dinner party, a married man asserted that his wife controlled
much of the decision-making. She balked: "That's not true. We
share decisions equally...."
Whose perception
is correct, the man, who endows his wife with status of Chairman
of the Board, or his wife, who claims they are both equal shareholders?
SHARE
YOUR THOUGHTS. Is
there a boss in your marriage? Does the power shift with the
nature of the decision? Relate your experiences of the roles
in your household.
Relate your experiences in our discussion forums. |
| Contributors
can purchase the book directly from the site as it becomes available
soon. To learn more click on "About the Book."
|
|
| More
of Your Comments |
|
"Remember: you might be the man and boss of the house, but
only until your wife gets home. It's her castle, and when you
don't hang up the towel on the rack of clean the bench down you
soon hear from her. It's funny, each time my wife want help to
make our bed, she always says; "Can you come and help me make
ourrrrr bed." I heard a story about a newly wed couple and the
bride started to be bossy, so the groom asked his wife to put
on his pants, after a struggle she said, "The belt won't do up,
and they are too big for me." The groom then said: "With that
attitude you will never be able wear the pants in this family."
The bride thought for a moment and then asked her husband to try
on a pair of her tiny thrilly knickers. The Groom finally got
both his feet into the panties and tried and tried to pull them
up. Finally he gave up, and said to his bride: "I just can't get
into your pants." The bride then said; "And with that attitude,
you never will!"" (Dustin, 55, married 23 years)
|
|
"There are two bosses in our marriage. Mostly I boss her
around on things I care about or feel will affect me, and she
pretty much does the same. If I had an infection, would I be at
work the next day even if she didn't want me to? How high is the
fever? Under 102 degrees: "OK, I go." Do we run into arguments?
Oh yeah! Mostly money, as it affects both our areas." (Andy,
48, married 14 years)
|
| "The
word "boss" is a poor choice. There must be a leader in a home,
but not a boss. Bosses hire and fire. There is neither hiring
nor firing. Marriage is a beautiful commitment of 2 people to
one another, but for a house to stand someone must lead. The Bible
tells us that men are to lead their households and wives are to
allow them to be leaders. The problem is that too many want to
force their wife into following, but allowing a husband to lead
a home is a purposeful decision a wife makes. My wife allows me
to lead our home and that means the world to me. Like Scripture
tells me to, I love my wife like Christ does the church, giving
his life for her. What does that mean for me? She comes first.
When this beautiful relationship is followed marriages are incredible
joys. My wife allows me to lead her because she knows that she
is the priority in the decisions I make and her opinions are necessary
because I cannot put her first without putting her first. "A house
divided against itself can not stand." That is why God made men
leaders of their families. This, however, is a great responsibility
and privilege, not to be taken lightly or without the full love
and devotion one must have for their spouse." (Kyle, 27,
married 4 years)
|
| "Sometimes
it's not who makes the decision, but how her point of view is
expressed. It's what I call "womanspeak." She will say: "Someone
should take out the trash." To me that means the trash needs to
go out and one of us should volunteer. To her it means the trash
needs to go out and I'm supposed to do it. She never says: "I'd
appreciate it if you'd take the trash out." So if I don't take
this roundabout cue, not only am I an asshole for not taking out
the trash, I'm an asshole because she thinks I don't listen to
her." (Joey, 46)
|
| "My
husband may not admit it, but I feel that I am the boss in our
relationship. I do all the finances and make most of the decisions,
but he has chosen for it to be that way. When I ask, "What would
you like for dinner?" or "Where would you like to go today?" he
always says, "I don't know, what do YOU want to do?" When it comes
to child rearing, I make my views known and ask him to please
not let our son do different things (like watch too much TV).
My husband does most of the cooking because he gets home from
work before me. I despise cooking so that works out well. We decide
the week's menu together based on what he is in the mood to cook
and what we both might want to eat, so that I feel is a joint
decision. Spending money is usually my decision. I know what we
can afford and will agree or not agree to spend money on new things.
In all honesty, sometimes my husband feels like another child
of mine... and it seems that he likes it when I make the decisions.
Maybe that is because he wants me to be happy so he concedes.
I am not sure.' (Kathie, 35, married 10 years)
|
| "Power
structure? What power structure? 25 years later, it's all a wash.
We play to our strengths. Mine happen to center on organizing,
planning and remembering. His lie in risk-taking, innovation,
and particularly mechanical problem-solving. Together, we have
raised three sons to (semi) productive young adulthood, secure
the future, and these days, we actually seem to like one another.
If a marriage comes through the long haul, I think one major factor
is the willingness to cede authority in various family arenas...according
to individual interest, natural talents and acquired expertise.
Who's the boss? Twenty-five years later, I just don't care. And
the word from the master of the house is similar, succinct, but
not repeatable in polite company." (Ellie, 64, married 45
years)
|
| "It's
simple (sometimes). Assert your opinion always, but when you feel
that your spouse needs to win this one, let them. Is it really
that important or do you just have control issues? Give your spouse
the same consideration with their opinions that you would give
a stranger. It's ironic, but after spending years with someone
you really have to work at being considerate. The love never goes
away, but sometimes your decency does! Who cares if there is a
boss? A better question is are you happy most of the time?"
(Thomas, 28, married 3 years)
|
| "We
are not married, but my partner feels he is the boss. He is twelve
years older than I am, and he "knows it all." I have found he
really doesn't want to hear my opinion on anything. This is difficult
for me, as I definitely have my own opinions and I have never
known such a person who truly feels his way is the only way. I
have told him I am not trying to change his mind but as a person
I do have a right to my opinion. I think he feels it is a challenge
to his manhood and I shouldn't have say so about anything but
taking care of the house. I am learning not to question his opinion,
as most of it is not consequential to our lives." (Kathie,
42, twice divorced)
|
| "Our
marriage is a partnership. We share roles and the power shifts
with the nature of the decision. He makes most of the financial
decisions, because he is better at it than I am. I make most of
the child rearing decisions, but run the "big things" by him for
input or veto. We both have veto power. We are fortunate that
we agree on most issues. We agree to disagree on politics and
don't bring day to day work issues home." (Liz, 50, married
29 years)
|
| "In
our house, we share. We both have different strengths and weaknesses,
and are smart enough to know it use it to our advantage. She's
a better bookkeeper than I am, so she handles the ledgers. But
when it comes to dealing with the kids, and issues in school,
that's my area. We share the cooking, the household chores (she
works a full time job as a nurse, and her job is harder than mine,
although mine pays a lot better) so I figure I can help with cooking,
laundry...whatever needs to be done. Some time she'll delegate
the authority to make a particular decision because she likes
my ability to see things that others have a tendency to overlook,
but for the most part we both have a leg in the pants." (Russ,
37, engaged; married twice before)
|
| "There
is no boss, but it's a good idea to divide decision making. In
the case of a husband suffering from a throat infection, I think
that the man was better able to judge how he feels than the wife,
who was a bit domineering. It would be OK if she expressed an
opinion. She could have tried: "But you don't have to go in today,
why not make it a slow day." The husband should always, always,
always listen to his wife, even if he does not ultimately agree."
(Jake, 40, married 8 years)
|
| "Power
shifts with the nature of the decision. Talk to each other about
what you want to happen. One partner pays the bills...but how
does the second fiddle keep informed? Who does what chores? Kids
have to be shared. But, who takes the first hit on most typical
problems, like when the teacher calls. O.K., then when does #2
join in? How do you want to handle free time or socializing? What
can be done alone, and what requires two? My advice? Talk. Decide.
But shift, when needed." (Kurt, 49, married 26 years)
|
" Who's the boss? Think "dealer's choice." Pick
a card, guys, any card (as long as it is one of the ones presented
by the dealer). This may sound harsh, but it is not meant that
way.
The process is more subtle and involved than simply a devious
manipulation. Early signs of this emerge even from the first round
of big decisions a couple makes, in preparing for marriage. The
stereotypical routine was played out in a TV show episode of "Everybody
Loves Raymond." In the show, Raymond asked his wife-to-be
to marry him. She said "yes," and then a minute later
had a Brides Magazine out, all ready with details about what has
to happen at the wedding. Then the "dealer's choice"
takes place: "Of course, honey, you can have a say-- what
color table cloths do you want? Who do you want to add to the
guest list?" etc. Face it guys! We aren't nearly as capable
to _________________. (You fill in the blank with the "important"
things.) Try as we might, we just don't have what it takes to
make the real choices. Speaking with a group of early-20's folks
one day I was told by the women "Things have really changed.
Men and women are equals in relationships now, not like 30 years
ago." But then it wasn't more than a few sentences later
when one of these same young women explained--- "no... I
don't WANT my (live-in) boyfriend to do the cleaning. He doesn't
know how to do it the right way...." and then we began to
see the dealer's choice unfold. Certainly this is not hopeless...
but it is entrenched and pervasive. My wife and I have been working
on it for over 20 years, and it always seems to pop up when you
least expect it."(Serge, 42, married 21 years) |
|
"The relationship--the couple's mutually agreed upon operating
parameters (usually nonverbal)--constitutes the framework of their
future behavior. What they each assert separately does not necessarily
express the context of their true relationship. Their separate
conscious verbalizations manifest only a part of their true relationship.
No doubt this relates to the different processes of the male and
female brains, the differential mix of brain activities that manifests
as behaviors. For example, the female brain appears to utilize
a more "even" mix of the left (verbal/logical) and right
(global/contextual) lobes, the male utilizing more of the left
side. Thus, the male may view his wife's ability to verbalize
what is really their joint decision as the "woman making
the decisions." When he hears her verbalize a decision, he
is naturally inclined to attribute it more to her than to himself.
He does not credit fully the context in which the decision is
being made. She on the other hand may be much more aware of the
fact that he, acting within the context of their relationship,
has already added considerable input to the decision that she
is verbalizing on their behalf." (Arthur, 60, married 38
years) |
|
"The power in our relationship shifts with the nature of
the decision, and we're partners in a business looking to expand."
(Elena, 45, second marriage) |
|
"When
I, as a husband, do my very best as a genuine partner for my
wife, then the question of who is boss never comes up."
(Justin, 59, married 30 years-second marriage)
|
|
"I
think that we have a really great working partnership. We pull
together to get everything done to keep our collective ship
afloat. Within that, we also have a lot of "healthy separateness"
where we each go out there every day and do what we need to
do to be happy and have the self-respect we both need. Lastly,
I think we're good friends, who genuinely like and enjoy each
other." (Bob, 57, second marriage of 34 years)
|
|
"My
mom is assertive and thoughtful, and my dad is passive-aggressive
and counter-suggestive. He is the man to go to if you want to
be talked out of an idea! Fortunately, he's too busy to keep
things in an uproar, and has some grasp of his negativity problem."
(Selda, age 20, single)
|
| "I
think that it took us 45 years to get to where we are now: that
marriage is an equal partnership. Deciding who the boss is, depends
on the particular situation we are dealing with. Sometimes I think
his input is better than mine, especially when it comes to decisions
about money issues. However when were raising our 5 children I
feel I had a lot more influence in decision making since I was
the one at home the most and had a better handle on situations.
He would usually go along with me after "listening"
to the whole picture. We have both come to a better understanding
that it doesn't really make a big difference as long as the end
results are for the good of all. I must say we've been pretty
successful with the way it has worked out. What reinforces this
is that our married children seem to be following in the same
pathway. So it makes me feel there must have been some good that
they saw. It always takes talking and listening when it comes
to making decisions from each of us. This took years of trial
and error." (Ellie, 64, married 45 years) |
| "In
marriage your partner should be your best friend. Between friends
there is no boss, nor the need to be the boss. If a wife appears
to make all the choices about what goes on in the home, it may
be that she is there more than her husband and knows what's best
in those situations. If her husband makes a choice as to which
new car they will buy, it may be that he knows more about those
types of choices. It doesn't make either one the boss. The end
result, both should be in agreement on the choices made. Not because
it's easier to give in, but out of respect and acceptance of your
partners knowledge in different situations. If one needs to be
the boss, that's a problem." (Sally, 48, married 1 year) |
| "26
years ago we took our vows; my wife promised to obey. She promised
again at our 25th anniversary renewal ceremony. I have generally
felt recognized as head of the family. Not always, but usually.
Mostly we divide areas of authority. If I come in the house with
muddy boots she issues an order,"Off with the boots".
I obey. She on the other hand will not make any major purchases
without my prior approval." (Rod, age 50) |
| "In
my household my husband thinks he's the boss. However, I have
a secret. I'm really boss. What he doesn't know won't hurt him.
Or will it ???" (Roz, Married 20 years, second marriage)
|
| "The
woman controls the all-important psychological environment which
pervades every activity, every decision, nearly every moment.
One of her modi is to exhibit unpredictable over-reactive behaviors
intermittently. The man soon learns to tread very carefully, always
unsure of his footing -- "Did I do something? ... or did
I not do something that I was supposed to do?" (Burt,
married 3 years, second marriage) |
| "The
woman hands out the assignments the man carries out the assignments
or, if he doesn't, pays a price for his non-compliance."
(Burt, married 3 years, second marriage) |
| "Our
decisions tend to be wholly collaborative in nature. The more
they affect the family, the more collaboration there is. In the
instances where the decision would only impact one of us as an
individual, my wife makes the decision." (Steve, married
25 years) |
| "My
husband loudly proclaims to all that I am the boss but he uses
passive/ aggressive behavior to maneuver things to his way."
(Mammy, married 34 years) |
| "I
am the wife and I am definitely the Boss. It's just that my husband
doesn't know it. Every decision that is made by me is credited
to him in some verbally manipulative way so that he always thinks
it was his decision, choice, or idea. This works the best for
me." (Christine, married 28 years) |
| "There
is no boss. In the example you give, I see concern on the wife's
part that her husband may get sicker. Sharing decisions equally
usually means you decide some things and I decide some things.
They are both right, each separately correct. What can I say,
that's marriage." (Sylvia, Divorced, married 3 times)
|
| "I
don't believe that there is a "Boss". My wife and I
try our best to work as a team. I’m not saying we don’t
have arguments, we do. But there are certain times when either
one of us just gives in and agrees, right or wrong. After 16yrs
of marriage we have worked out a very good relationship based
upon his/hers own opinion, saying what’s on our mind, and
combining them to make our final decision." (CPL , 34 year
old man, Married 16 years) |
| "I had
always considered my marriage relationships an even split on decision
making. But, after 3 marriages, I've changed my mind. I believe
the woman must be the final decision maker. The reason lies in
who they are as compared to who men are. Women are by nature the
family caretaker; man is more the bread winner and protector."
(Allen, thrice divorced) |
| "We
are forced to negotiate in a domain that we have ceded to our
wives. Our wives insist on at least equal power at home because
it's the one place they don't actually have to share power equally.
My wife doesn't want equality if it means that sometimes we do
things the way I think they should be done. But she doesn't want
to sacrifice my being responsible and available in order to have
that decision-making priority. So, she considers us to share power
even though she maintains her veto when she knows she's right.
Even when she isn't. So I say, 'OK, dear.'" (Nick, age 45,
married 11 years) |
| "One
way a woman holds power over a man is to withhold sex when not
getting her way. What about marriages in which there is no sex?
Believe me there are plenty of these. I speak from experience."
(Russ, age 43, Married 20 years) |
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| The
examples on this website typify the experiences of many individuals
as told to Dr. Haltzman. They are intended to encourage discussion.
However, they should not be construed as describing all men and
women or husbands and wives. Dr. Haltzman welcomes other viewpoints
in response to the issues and topics. |
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