| "I
don't think there is any question that behavior has it's roots
in the genetic make up of the individual..." more...
|
| "It
took us a long time to even know there were biologic differences...
more... |
| "While
I don't dismiss the XY-chromosome impact, my experience indicates
that it is also related to the balance of testosterone/ estrogen
levels in the couple which changes over time..." more...
|
"Wives
shouldn't expect lots of emotive displays from their husbands.
Testosterone gets in the way of how a man feels..." more...
|
|
"I
think men and women truly see different things in the same experiences..."
more... |
|
|
It isn't
best that we all think alike; it is difference of opinion that
makes horse races. - Mark Twain.
Nature versus nurture. The controversy is not settled. Scientists
have determined that inborn temperaments are present at birth.
Yet the debate still rages as to whether personality characteristics
between boys and girls are inborn or due to environment/social
expectations.
|
|
|
Parents,
especially those with a child of each sex, recognize there's
no debate. Boys and girls are different.
And men and women are different. One of the difficult challenges
of marriage is understanding that men's perspectives on the
world are colored by their biology: the XY chromosome. The tell-tale
symptoms manifest themselves in typical ways: not wanting to
ask directions, taking control of the remote and thinking about
sex. Not only do men act differently, they think differently.
Men are
frustrated because women expect them to think like women. A
wife asks, "Why just he can't open up and share his emotions?"
Because her feelings come easily, she assumes her husband can
express his emotions in a way that she can understand. She views
her husband's unavailability as intentional, his silence as
an unwillingness to open up. He sees himself as full of thoughts
and feelings, but unable to meet her standards for communicating
them.
Is it possible
men have different biological wiring—that they cannot recognize
or express their emotions as naturally as women? Research shows
it takes men many hours longer than women to process complex
emotive data. When men do identify their feelings, do they lack
the ability to talk about them
easily?
SHARE
YOUR THOUGHTS. Do our chromosomes drive us? Can wives learn
something about their husbands by paying attention to biologic
differences? Can husbands deal with relationships better if
they recognize these differences? Or is this an easy "out"
for men who fall short of their wives ' expectations? Relate your experiences in our discussion forums. |
| Contributors
can purchase the book directly from the site as it becomes available
soon. To learn more click on "About the Book."
|
|
| More
of Your Comments |
| "We
need to stop trying to communicate with intelligent beings in
other planets and start discovering the beautiful mind that is
the female. For that purpose God placed them on earth--so that
we need not look further than across the pillow. If we cannot
find peace and understanding between us do we really deserve to
socialize with other beings?' (Carlos, 37, second marriage of
5 years)
|
| "Reading
this has helped me to reconsider some conversations this past
week thought of as predominantly one-way. It could be conducive
to a much better relationship, if I would occasionally remember
that even though he says few words, they are usually carefully
chosen and therefore hold more intent and substance than I initially
receive them with." (Sandra, 36, second marriage of 10 years)
|
| "My
wife gets very frustrated with me because I don't open up right
at the moment she wants me to. However, in the same breath she
gets on my case for not respecting the differences between the
sexes. I never know when I'm supposed to listen and when I'm supposed
to offer suggestions. I feel like the deck is stacked -- if I
listen, she wants advice. If I advise, she wanted me to listen.
I think it's a control issue -- her wanting control." (Eugene,
46, second marriage of 4 years)
|
| "Over
17 years of marriage (and 22 years in this relationship), I have
learned to "speak Man." Garrulous incessant chatter is tuned out
in favor of visual stimuli. Take ESPN, for example. Keep it short,
relative and specific. Another critical part of mastering the
Male Language is timing. NEVER discuss weekend plans with two
minutes to go in the half and the Eagles down by 3." (Susan,
40)
|
| "After
twelve months of counseling with a psychologist, and after reasonably
extensive reading, I am coming to suspect that men do think, feel,
react and perceive a lot of things very differently than women.
Especially related to emotions and sexual interactions! It is
probably a particularly accurate partial explanation of some of
the "challenges" experienced by my husband and me these last couple
years. Oh yes, I believe that females can most assuredly learn
a lot about their other half by paying attention to biologic differences.
I'm not convinced, though, that it is an "easy out" for men whose
wives express disappointment in them. I am hoping that husbands
--specifically mine--can deal with the challenged relationship
better through recognizing these differences." (Bev, 44,
married 20 years)
|
| "Most
men and women do think, relate, feel, cope, process, and communicate
differently. You learn her language whenever she is expressing
any emotion in any way, like even getting mad at you for what
you said. Shut up, don't argue or explain, even if her facts are
all wrong. Just listen, respect and acknowledge the emotion, like:
"I can see you are hurting and upset and I can see why." It doesn't
mean you agree. Let go of that hang-up. It just means you are
listening and care. Most of the time the problem isn't in the
facts but in the feeling. By letting her know you care, you get
to the heart of the matter. And if you stay with it a while, you
will see what you thought was the problem just disappear. It is
really true and works. Once learned, I've tried to do this with
my wife, four daughters and women in general. It,s not phoney
bullsh-t. It's just listening effectively and giving what's really
needed rather than the usual guy approach of trying to jump in
and fix something. I mean you check your car carefully when the
engine doesn't sound right before you jump in with a screwdriver.
Well, with women, attention is usually the critical adjustment
needed to fix many problems. This is true of people in general."
(Rich, 51, married 30 years)
|
| "As
a wife of the man I love, I can certainly say that men and women
cannot communicate on the same level. There have been so many
times in the past five years that I have tried to talk about things,
sometimes important matters, sometimes the opposite. When he is
sitting quietly thinking, or drinking coffee, or anything, I approach
and I ask him what he thinking. Why doesn't he talk to me? Or
with any type of questions of the sort; I get no response. To
me that makes me think he's ignoring me and that I am just talking
to a brick wall. I have learned, though, that our brains do not
work the same. Our makeups are so different. That's why patience
is such an important key in marriage." (Nicole, 23, married
5 years)
|
| "I
don't think there is any question that behavior has it's roots
in the genetic make up of the individual. My son has from the
day he was born has had the exact same temperament that I have.
Likewise, I have the same temperament as my mother while my brother
is more like my father including a tendency towards substance
abuse." (Jacob, 51, married 22 years) |
| "It
took us a long time to even know there were biologic differences
in the way we acted or reacted to different situations. When we
started our married life together who ever talked about these
kinds of differences? We knew what we were brought up with. Neither
of us came from truly loving homes, his mother very cold and unfeeling,
-- so women behave like her. My father was an alcoholic-- and
my mother lived according to his sober and drunken moments. We
did not want this same thinking or feelings surrounding us in
our own home. We needed to learn to "listen and talk"
to each other. Not having had good role models, that was not an
easy thing to do. But, because we were committed to our marriage
vows and truly had a deep love for each other, we had to find
ways to understand why we each felt differently about our reactions,
either about issues with each other or our children.
We knew
we needed to be better role models for our children. We were
willing to read, listen to others and even seek counseling to
deal with our differences, especially when it came to sharing
our feelings. I was the first to seek counseling as I was sure
that it was not the "man" thing to do! It was the
woman who should deal with this, I thought. Eventually he came
to realize that he needed to come to terms with being a man
and how our feelings did indeed differ. We also learned that
feelings are neither right nor wrong, they are just the way
each of us perceives them. (Ellie, 64, married 45 years)
|
| "While
I don't dismiss the XY-chromosome impact, my experience indicates
that it is also related to the balance of testosterone/estrogen
levels in the couple which changes over time. As we, and our marriage,
have aged, we have each freed up the other side of our personalites.
I, the male, have become much more nurturing, emotive and less
assertive. My wife has moved in the opposite direction. This crossover,
and how we did or did not deal with it effectively, affects our
approach to conflict in our marriage 30 years later." (Saul,
Married 40 years) |
| "Wives
shouldn't expect lots of emotive displays from their husbands.
Testosterone gets in the way of how a man feels. Unless it's a
feeling of aggression (which men can, and do, feel), men don't
want to talk about feelings even if the marriage is good, alive
and thoughtful. Husbands only need to know that wives are available
and there for them." (Christine, married 28 years) |
| "I
think men and women truly see different things in the same experiences
(John Gray's overly simplistic idea that we come from different
planets). And the more intimate we are, the more important those
interactions. When the stakes are highest, our reactions are more
likely to focus on our own needs and core beliefs. The differences
in perception cause the interactions to go so badly so much of
the time." (Nick, age 45, married 11 years) |
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| The
examples on this website typify the experiences of many individuals
as told to Dr. Haltzman. They are intended to encourage discussion.
However, they should not be construed as describing all men and
women or husbands and wives. Dr. Haltzman welcomes other viewpoints
in response to the issues and topics. |
copyright
© 2000-2004 ScottHaltzman, MD
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