People are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.
- Abe Lincoln

Some couples are always in love, staring into each others’ eyes, strolling in the park or having dinner together. That’s what marriage should be.

Don’t worry. Few couples fit this description. In full bloom, the love of marriage brings an intense closeness. It fosters trust and warmth. In these moments we feel happy. But the romance of marriage must contend with many storms of discontent.

"In spite of all evidence, modern-day Americans keep trying to convince ourselves that happiness is the natural state of our species," writes Jeffery Smith, author of Where the Roots Reach for Water. In therapy, my patients struggle with feeling unhappy. Many blame their relationships. Some consider divorce for specific reasons: infidelity, substance abuse or spousal abuse. However, most who wish to separate have voiced a general dissatisfaction with their marriages: "He’s not the same as when I married him." "We’ve grown apart." "She’s always trying to change me." They conclude: "It’s just not fun any more."

Philosophies about happiness and marriage range from: "You make your own happiness," to "You only live once, this is not a test run. If you’re not happy, get out."

SHARE YOUR THOUGHTS. What role does happiness play in marriage? Are you happy? Relate your experiences in our discussion forums.

"If I were able to influence people, the one recommendation I would give would be to LOOK INTO THE OTHER PERSON'S EYES. See that they too need love, feel hurt, need encouragement, are fragile humans just as we are. Life is what we are doing now - it is not something that takes money and perfection before we are happy - it is our responsibility to be happy, not someone else's to provide for us. Happiness does not come from overt displays of financial wealth. When we recognize that the person we talk to, or has hurt us, is merely struggling with life too, it somehow dissipates the fury and distress. Why is there such a thin boundary between love and anger? When romantic involvement is not there, there exists a large gray zone, on which friends can dance and still remain friends without the apparent repercussions that a declaration of "love" seems to remove." (Kathy, divorced)

"All men need to know the importance of serving their wives. The rewards come back to us. I have a saying that came from the minister of Bill McCartney. He was the coach for the Colorado University and quit after hearing this from his pastor. "If you want to know the true character of a man, look into the face of his wife. What he has invested in her or withheld from her will be seen in her countenance." Men need to understand their role in the happiness of their families and their homes. It is vital to the epidemic of divorce in this country. When they say they have done everything, they have not A woman whose husband nurtures her and loves her, serves her husband. When we value our wives, when we cherish them daily and look for ways to serve them, they give to us all that they have." (Don, 56, married 31 years)