| "Work
is the most difficult issue in most marriages that I am exposed
to..." more... |
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"When
both of you have careers both of you have to manage the home...period."
more... |
| "How
do you juggle the conflicting roles work and marriage? You support
each other in the work, and husbands clean..." more...
|
| "My
wife and I share housework." more...
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Many men
love to work. The married man works hard to improve the quality
of his family's life. He is satisfied with his work and feels
good about what he does. Is his wife equally satisfied with
his toils?
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Many couples
struggle with dual career roles. For the working couple, the
job's not done when the whistle blows. When husband and wife
arrive home they have more responsibilities to manage. Who's
the boss at home? Wives who work full time often take on the
lion’s share of household responsibilities. Some husbands
say their wives act like bosses at home in delegating household
chores and caring for the family. Are expectations that a husband
contribute unrealistic? A married father of two states: "When
I work hard, I feel she doesn't realize that I work for her.
If I have to stay out late, or work on a project at home, she
blames me for not spending time with the family."
SHARE
YOUR THOUGHTS. How do you juggle the conflicting
roles work and marriage? Does it seem, at times, you have to
answer to two bosses, one at home and one at work? Why are you
working so hard, anyway? Are you really working for the family's
well being? Or does work serve a different role, like escape
or personal growth? What role does work play in your marriage?
Relate your experiences in our discussion forums. |
| Contributors
can purchase the book directly from the site as it becomes available
soon. To learn more click on "About the Book."
|
|
| More
of Your Comments |
| The wife's
role as a homemaker is to care for the children in every aspect
physical and spiritual, and to meet most needs of her husband
by supporting him and caring for him. In today's world husband
and wife both work, sometimes out of necessity, and other times
out of greed. Most men in today's society are basically wife pleasers.
I have been married for 23 years and have six children. Before
we had children both my wife and I were working, and each Monday
night during our get-together called Family Home Evening we would
plan our week and jobs that need to be done. Being a gentleman,
I let my wife choose her jobs and I would take what was left.
Now isn't that fair? I have always felt that I married my wife
because I love her and want to spend as much time together as
I can, so thinking along those lines a man helps his wife to do
the jobs around the house, as he would have more time to spend
with her. I have also learnt over the many years that most times
wives are right, somehow they seem to see the big picture in life.
Men think different than women, so I always get my wife to write
down all the things she wants me to do. My wife tells me that
she writes notes to our children to ask them to do a list of jobs,
and I shouldn't need a note at 53 years old. I always like those
things-to-do lists so I can tick them off as I go. (Dustin)
|
| ...and get
it over with. But not my wife, she always uses the same old excuse:
"I did the dishes the last time," or "your turn to vacuum". She
feels better when she tells me what to do, I think in her mind
she feels she is dominating. If she only knew that I am not even
listening to her, I just do it to do it. Sure, work does sometimes
feel like an "escape" to me, but that's because I enjoy my job
and I like what I do. I always have had jobs that I enjoy, if
you can't look forward to going to work, you are making it worse
for yourself when you get home. Work plays no role in our marriage;
we have completely different career paths. I never have liked
to talk about work at home with her. She on the other hand can't
wait to tell me even the smallest thing that happened at work.
I just nod and say "oh yeah?," "that's interesting," etc. (Miquel,
43, married 22 years)
|
| "I
work hard at keeping work at work. It hasn't always been that
way. My family suffered from a "missing" father for ten years
or so. I missed birthday parties, baseball games and other important
events. I'm in a position now to control the number of hours I
work, so I'm there for my family all the time. I can take the
kids to school, take them to ball practice and just be there for
them. I sometimes wish to redo the times I was gone, but I wouldn't
be where I am today without those sacrifices. I just hope they
don't come back to haunt me. Today, we live a comfortable life.
My wife doesn't have to work, but chooses to do so part time.
She also attends classes at a local college. There is no conflict
over work. I enjoy working around the house; it is a good release
for me since my regular job is mentally draining. I am still very
much like a child though...I have to be told to do something.
I don't mind doing it; I just have a hard time remembering on
my own. I have to be honest though. I don't really understand
when my wife tells me she has been working around the house all
day. "All day ?!" I can have the entire house vacuumed, clothes
washed, folded, and put away, dishes done all before lunch. I'm
not sure what takes so long. I just turn on the music loud and
get started early and pretend it's a game." (Chris, 44, married
22 years)
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| "I
am a wife of a Naval Officer. He is gone more than I prefer to
count, usually six to nine months out of the year. But my husband
is dedicated to keeping our marriage alive. In his large amounts
of absence he is very regular at sending me small tokens of love
that are spontaneous and some times shocking but fun. He makes
me smile. Those little unexpected things, even halfway around
the world, confirm my value to him even if we can't be romantically
involved or just say good morning everyday. We support each other's
work ethic 200%. He is honest about his desires and we discuss
what would be best to enhance his career. We make sure that we
are a team--it's not just his career but our life. His job/career
is only a small portion of what makes him him. He is very focused
and strong headed, some times bluntly rude. But he is very professional
and when I cross lines that shouldn't be crossed, we discuss things
and talk about how he feels. Then we have dinner and joke and
play. He is a career professional dedicated to his family and
country. He's a serious professional that is seriously playful."
(Holly, 30, second marriage)
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|
"Work is the most difficult issue in most marriages that
I am exposed to. I find, more often than not, than in dual income
households, the job of running the home is left almost entirely
to the wife (often called "The Second Shift"). Why do
we do it? To placate our husbands and keep the peace. What happens
when we ask for help? We often get passive resistance (convenient
"forgetting" or claims of not enough time). What happens
when we plead for help? We get angry compliance. What happens
when we demand help? Our husbands leave their marriages, claim
they are unappreciated office slaves, insist their wives don't
want their love, but instead just want a "house keeper husband",
and they fall into an abyss of self-pity. Why is it that husbands
feel entitled to behave this way? Why is it the wife's fault if
the house is messy, the child is late to soccer practice, or the
homework is incomplete? Sure, there are guys out there who defy
the norm of male entitlement but I am certainly not married to
one of them, nor are my friends married to any of them."
(Ruth, 43, married 20 years) |
|
"When both of you have careers both of you have to manage
the home...period. Since women get typecast in homemaker roles,
they may be multitalented compared to the guys. You should tell
your wife right off the bat: "I can cook and my mom trained
me to wash underwear and towels." She may give you the chores
you can do, take her favorites, and then divide the ones neither
wants to do. Kids? Each one of you can take them out. This gives
the other time to rest or to complete a task in peace. Take turns
and do it weekly. (Kurt, 49, married 26 years) |
|
"How do you juggle the conflicting roles work and marriage?
You support each other in the work, and husbands clean. Husbands,
regardless of how much they work, should always clean more than
their wives. That's the biggest complaint woman have against men,
they don't clean enough. So men, take it and prove them wrong.
Get home in time to be with the kids, men make dinner AND wash
the dishes, while mom gets the kids ready for bed. After the kids
are in bed then do your work. Give up TV. Stay up late and work
after you've taken care of the kids and cleaned. Don't make excuses,
and you'll get paid back nicely with your wife's gratefulness."
(George, 44, second marriage of 14 years) |
|
" My wife and I share housework. We both do laundry, she
probably does more. We have a cleaning lady, but my wife cleans
also, which I don't, though I will unload the dishwasher. She
works 18 hours a week, I work about 32. Neither one of us killing
ourselves, but I am working 14 hours more. But she gets on these
tirades that she's the only one doing anything around the house
and cleaning up all my mess. Oh for the 50's when women did everything!
Hey, I also take care of the yard! I have realized that I'm too
cheap to go through divorce. So when she spends too much in my
view, I console myself that divorce is the ultimate financial
loss and kid-f-cker-upper. So I constantly give in for one thing
or another. Overall, though, I do live my life the way I like,
so I have to be grateful for that. But our arguments rarely end
with her saying she's sorry, it's usually the other way. What
a pain." (Dustin, 48, married 20 years) |
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| The
examples on this website typify the experiences of many individuals
as told to Dr. Haltzman. They are intended to encourage discussion.
However, they should not be construed as describing all men and
women or husbands and wives. Dr. Haltzman welcomes other viewpoints
in response to the issues and topics. |
copyright
© 2000-2004 ScottHaltzman, MD
|
