| "I
sometimes think of myself as a single mom with a paycheck. His
work and career are his first love and utmost priority. When the
kids were growing up, he often went days without seeing them,
leaving early in the morning before they were up and returning
after they were in bed..." more... |
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It’s
in your blood—the urge to roam. When you were a bachelor,
you sought out adventure. You camped in the wilderness or took
a Jack Kerouac inspired cross-country trip.
Now you’re
married, and before you know it your motorcycle is advertised
in the classified as you trade up to a minivan. The habits you
were used to, from weekly poker games to happy hour, don’t
appeal to your wife. And she lets you know it.
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Marriage
takes adjustment. Many newlyweds come to my office questioning
how to balance their time in and out of the house. Wives, particularly
stay at home moms, grumble that they want to see more of their
husbands. Husbands, on the other hand, see themselves as having
to sacrifice a lifetime of interests and friendships to meet
their wives’ expectations.
Many men
get the message they need to be home more.
And then,
just as Joe Marriage starts to hang around the ranch, his wife’s
tune changes. The August 2, 2004 Newsweek printed Jan Zeh’s
story: "The ‘Golden Years’ are Beginning to Tarnish.”
Married for forty-five years, Jan asserts she’s not alone
in her complaints about her mate’s retirement: “I
think my husband enjoys being at home with me. I am the one
with the problem. I am a person who needs alone time…he
drives me up the wall.”
SHARE YOUR THOUGHTS: Do men who are successful at marriage
need to give up some of their bachelor identity? Do women want
husbands home more? Does retirement tip the scales in the balance
of home life?
Relate your experiences in our discussion forums. |
| Contributors
can purchase the book directly from the site as it becomes available
soon. To learn more click on "About the Book."
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| More
of Your Comments |
I sometimes
think of myself as a single mom with a paycheck. His work and
career are his first love and utmost priority. When the kids were
growing up, he often went days without seeing them, leaving early
in the morning before they were up and returning after they were
in bed. Yes, he provides well for us monetarily, but at the cost
of having no father figure for the children and no life partner
for myself. He gets up, goes to work, (where he finds his comfort
and happiness through accomplishments and adoration from fellow
workers) comes home, expects the maid (me) to have his shirts
ironed and meal on the table so he can escape our home for another
sixteen hours the next morning.
When he speaks about work or people at work, one can tell that's
his whole life and the place he loves to be. He never gave us
a chance to be his comfort zone here at home, because he's never
been home. Do I think he's having an affair at work? Well, he
has one cute little employee he's brought along on his coattails
every time he's changed companies, because "she's such a
good worker!" Yeah, I'd like to know exactly what it is she's
so good at working on! Once at a family gathering, my brother
asked me where my husband was. I said, to my mother's shock, "He's
with his mistress." I explained that I meant his work and
computers were his mistress. After about an hour, he appeared,
smiling and euphoric about a project that he had just completed
successfully. His words—referring to his work-- upon entering
my brother's house were: "Wow. What a great feeling. It's
better than an orgasm." There you have it.
Some men love, love, love their work, and their families and wife
are merely incidentals, trophies and caretakers. I am kept just
to support his needs and get him ready for another day at the
office. I'm not his mother, but he believes that role and mine
are the same. I wish I had the guts and financial ability to walk
out on him. Let him iron his own damn shirts. (Trish, forty-eight,
second marriage of twenty years)
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| The
examples on this website typify the experiences of many individuals
as told to Dr. Haltzman. They are intended to encourage discussion.
However, they should not be construed as describing all men and
women or husbands and wives. Dr. Haltzman welcomes other viewpoints
in response to the issues and topics. |
copyright
© 2000-2004 ScottHaltzman, MD
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