| Fidelity
translates as trust. When you lose trust, you end up being betrayed...
more... |
| Fidelity
is the basis of a monogamous relationship. Fantasy and temptation..."
more... |
| "I
never thought that I would be a person who had another relationship.
But after 10 years of marriage to my second wife, I find myself
in love with two women at the same time. " more... |
| "Recently,
a man I met was the ultimate "Sir Galahad" more... |
| "Good
marriages, and good relationships in general, have trust at their
core." more... |
|
|
"Why
go out for a hamburger when you can have steak at home?"-Paul
Newman (referring to long-time wife, Joanne Woodward)
In The
Good Marriage, Dr. J. Wallerstein, a researcher of married
couples observes, "Nearly everyone in the study, from the passionate,
romantic lovers to the most sexually reserved couples, had sexual
fantasies and had thoughts about infidelity; it is an omnipresent
issue."
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|
|
The study
showed 16% of women and 20% of men in long-term "happy marriages"
had one-night stands or brief affairs. This differs little from
a larger study : 15-25% of married women and 25-40% of married
men admitted to having sex with someone other than their spouse.
SHARE YOUR THOUGHTS. Is fidelity an essential element
for sustaining a successful marriage? Have thoughts or acts
of unfaithfulness entered into your marriage? How has the issue
of faithfulness affected your marriage?
Relate your experiences in our discussion forums. |
| Contributors
can purchase the book directly from the site as it becomes available
soon. To learn more click on "About the Book."
|
|
| More
of Your Comments |
| "I
just found out my husband of 11 years has been having affairs
seven years of our marriage--all with women he works with or with
women from his past. I can not begin to tell you how hurt and
betrayed I feel. I now know what a broken heart feels like. I
feel as if the world as I thought I knew it is not real, as if
I wasted so much of my life on this marriage. Not only did the
affairs took plac,e but after learning about them the blame was
put on me by name calling and verbal attacks by my husband AND
by three of the women. They act as if I am the one who is wrong.
What the hell? They are the ones married and with kids, as is
my husband. My husband is in the navy and gone a lot. I have felt
lonely and disconnected, but have not once acted out on this.
Why did he find it so easy? Was it because I trusted him, loved
him (more than any man I have loved before)? Was it because I
thought the sun rose and set in his eyes, or because I felt safe
in his arms? Which I no longer do. I can't look into his eyes
and see our future and I no longer feel the same around him. I
watch my back, I listen to his words. I no longer feel sexy, smart
and beautiful around him. We have lost so much. Over what? Sex?"
(Scarlet, 41, second marriage)
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| "I
am a female victim of infidelity. The MSNBC article states: "You
can be highly adulterous with one person and forever faithful
with another." My husband sees the "error of his ways" and now
wants to make the marriage work supposedly for all the "right
reasons" What about the feelings of trust and abandonment? Do
they ever heal? Is it ever truly possible to rebuild/regain a
solid base from which both people can work and grow?" (Petra,
48, married 25 years)
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| "The
greatest secret about men that a lot of woman don't know is that
most men really want to be in a committed relationship. But they
don't want to be held back or tied down in the ways that most
women feel relationships should be. There are two types. The first
one is the normal committed relationship that most of the world
is eager to see and hear about: love, happiness and a long time
together. But for all but two hundred years there has been but
another way in the Western world. And that is the open one, the
relationship where man is actively involved with more then just
one woman. These relationship are frowned on by Western civilization
because according to the Bible it goes against everything we find
to be the norm in a healthy relationship. Well the truth is according
to the first bible that was translated from the dead sea scroll's
man was truly intended to have more then one wife in the eyes
of God. Under the law of Abraham a man was not to lay with another
mans wife. However, it was the norm of the time to have a wife
who was sort of an overseer for all the other wives. It's reasonable
to say that this was the original plan: for each and every man
to have more than one wife. The idea of a man having more then
just one woman solves a lot of mankind's problems; infidelity
would be a thing of the past. This is the reason marriage breaks
up, because we, as humans with intelligence, science and technology,
have gotten away from the original plan. And that plan is for
a man to be fruitful and multiply." (Alan, 45, married 25
years)
|
| "Saying
infidelity is an essential element for sustaining a successful
marriage is just a poor way of saying how men and some women can
be just straight up DOGS! No thoughts or acts of unfaithfulness
have entered my head. I feel you have to do things that make you
want that person. You have to be attracted to that person. If
you gain weight that can be a problem because that's all you see
is the fat. But if you continue to look at that person as the
same person she was with the weight off, then you notice she still
likes the same movie or her color is still purple. I know I felt
like sh-t, because I had gained weight and I know that I did not
want my boyfriend to touch my stomach or just feel around. He
would say it did not matter if I gained weight. Yea, right. When
the ass cheated on me it was with a skinny dog. Then the next
time the same thing." (Lacrisha, 24, not married)
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| "I
am a Hispanic woman, raised here in the United States surrounded
by modern American culture yet retaining Hispanic culture. My
father would never let me go out with friends much less date so
when the opportunity arose to get married and out of the house
at the age of 18, I went for it. I was lucky in a sense that I
had a wonderful husband. He was very loving and understanding.
He helped me continue my education and we had two wonderful children.
I went for my graduate degree as my kids were growing up so in
essence my husband helped entirely with them. I had no time for
anything else. It was work, study, home and children. Social events
with my large family took the rest of my time. Well, eventually,
all of those things ended. As I finished my studies, my kids grew
up, and my responsibilities were less and less as time went by,
I found myself feeling unfulfilled and "lonely". I found myself
curious about other men. I began to notice that men were noticing
me more or maybe they were always there but I was not interested.
In any event, my restlessness and the computer helped me establish
relationships with other men. At first, I thought these were harmless
relationships (cybersex isn't cheating, is it?), but eventually
I did get the opportunity to meet a man in person and it turned
out to be a total surprise as he was not the man I envisioned
but I still went and had sex with him several times. He was the
second man I had ever had sex besides my husband and all of this
happened at the age of 40! Somehow, it helped me live through
the strain that aging and empty nest syndrome had created. I had
better sex with my husband and it all seemed to be better. But--and
a big but--I got more restless and felt I had been missing out
in a lot of things especially knowing more men because of the
restricted life I had had first living with my father then my
husband, never on my own. Yet, I love my husband, very much and
I never want to hurt him. That's the thing, I don't want to hurt
him, yet I want my freedom, freedom I have never had. In essence
I want my cake and eat it too!!! As of this writing, I am having
a sexual affair with several men. One of them is married, and
doesn't want to hurt his wife or ruin his marriage yet he feels
compelled to continue the sexual encounters that we have had.
I want him also. The others live out-of-town, so our encounters
are infrequent but yet, I am attracted to them and I don't want
to leave them. It has come to a point where I have to make a decision.
I cannot continue to live like this because my husband is coming
back. He left home for a year (active military duty due to the
September 11, 2001 terrorist attack). His absence has made it
a lot easier for me to fool around. My husband has suspected of
my infidelity, yet, he doesn't want to confront it. I think it's
because if he found out it was true, he would have to make a decision
and he doesn't want to do that. I think this is a valid reason
why spouses don't really want to know if the other is cheating
because that means a life decision and they just don't want to
face that. I know that I have to make a decision to end my affairs
when my husband gets back because trying to hide really takes
a toll on the body and mind. Yet, this alone makes me feel lonely
and inept. I like being with other men and enjoying the differences
in their kisses and lovemaking." (Elise, 43, married 25 years)
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| "Trust
and fidelity are essential for a healthy marriage. My husband
and I have been married for 24 years, and over the last eight
years it has come to my attention that he has been involved with
multiple affairs or, better put, one night stands. He is eight
years older than I am. We have always had a very active, very
good sex life. I take care of myself, work out, stay active, am
a good wife and mother (he agrees with that!), but he is drawn
to low life younger women to "party" with. He says he loves me,
can't imagine life without me, won't ever do it again, and then
bam! In the beginning he convinced me it was my fault. I wasn't
the "perfect" person he had thought I was when we married. I had
never been married before but had had several serious relationships
in high school and college. That started eating at him-- his wife
shouldn't have a "past", and he used that to justify his infidelity.
He thought he could fix his problems, his depression, with affairs.
At first I fell for it. I thought if I had only been a better
person this would never have happened. That's why I stayed. But
over time (and counseling for myself) I've realized I'm not to
blame. I've always been faithful. I believe now he has a problem
using sex as a fix all for his other problems. It makes him the
"big man" to get involved with women like this. He has money,
shows them a good time, and it makes him feel important. He never
thinks of the effect of his actions on others. He just does what
feels good at the moment, says, "I'm sorry" afterwards and thinks
all should be O.K. It has finally destroyed our marriage. I've
lost all respect for him. Obviously we now have no sex life together,
and I'm planning my life without him. I would have never thought
I would have allowed myself to stay in a situation like this,
but I truly wanted my marriage to work. When I felt a sense of
commitment, I thought I could fix it all. I now realize I can't
fix him. Bottom line is it is still so sad to see our marriage
destroyed and him so unhappy but that's the outcome of cheating
and betrayal. An article I read had a very good comment on infidelity.
It said we are faced with choices all the time in our marriage.
We will always have temptations, but when the situation arises
you need to ask yourself: "Is this affair worth taking the chance
of loosing what I have?"" (Anna, 47)
|
| "I
lived through my husband being unfaithful, I think that I lost
a very important piece of my marriage. It will take a long time
for me to trust and believe my husband. We love each other very
much, but this has been hard on both of us and has put a huge
strain on our marriage." (Abby, 21, married 2 years)
|
| "I
have always kept myself in good shape. Mostly because my husband
was the type that would work out every day. We have 3 children
ranging from 18 to 10. Our sex life was very good, so I thought.
My husband had always told me he was not the affectionate type
and I had always accepted that. I was the one that would show
the affections and I never had a headache. I would often initiate
sex and so would he. Back last August, our sex life died. After
the 9-11 incident, I told him that if things didn't change, I
would be gone in eight years. I was able to deal with his lack
of affections but over the years, he some how shut me out of every
aspect of his life. I asked how I got demoted to his washwoman
and caretaker, without any warning. He kept telling me he was
depressed and that he began to see a therapist. Toward the end
of March (2002), we began having heart-to-heart open discussions
about what he was going through. He suggested a separation. I
told him we have already been separated and that we really should
be working on how we can stay together. After some of our talks
I really began to feel good about our relationship and although
it was void of sex, I always felt I could truly trust him. Well,
on Good Friday, I had confronted an anonymous caller, who turned
out to be my husband's lover. She was living in a townhouse he
purchased in September and didn't tell me about. She was a very
young girl and he met her at the strip-club she worked at. I didn't
know what to do. I had left him manage all of our finances, especially
since he was a financial planner. He used money out of joint stoke
accounts for fund his romance that had gone on for almost two
years. All the missed cross-country meets, baseball games and
soccer games were not because he was working. He used to tell
me that we were in a bind and that our finances were not doing
well and I would feel badly that he had to work so hard. I had
asked him to leave and we decided to go into therapy. I said it
would be worthless unless he left her. Not ten days after this
incident, I drove past the townhouse 3:30 in the morning and his
car was there. All the lights were out. I did the same thing not
a week later. I finally came to grips that he could not end it
and filed for divorce. I loved him with all my heart and probably
still do. I may be able to forgive him, but I will never forget.
I don't think I could possibly make love to him knowing that he
didn't even want to give her up after losing his family over such
a selfish and irresponsible act. I am only 40 years old and somewhat
attractive (so everyone says). I never really felt I was attractive
enough to ever get his attention. This has been so hard for me
but I know I have to be strong for my children. I can't understand
why. I know the opportunity existed for both of us. I worked at
a gym teaching spinning and he had to met with various clients
on a daily basis. I always felt my needs were not being met but
I was willing to sacrifice my needs for the good of the marriage.
We would have little discussion from time to time about the infidelity
issued. Probably more so when the Clinton situation surfaced.
And, that was right around the same time he began his road to
infidelity. His remarks about that situation were that Clinton
was a slime. I always felt that a situation like that would be
the end. And, so it is. I would never suggest cheating to try
to rebuild your marriage. Trust is the very foundation of any
relationship. Who wants to build on an unstable foundation?"
(LuAnne, 40, married 19 years)
|
| "My
husband had a brief affair with one of his employees six years
ago (when I asked why he said because she was young and pretty)
and we are still suffering the consequences of his dishonesty.
It might not be so bad if he had told the truth as soon as I confronted
him, but he hid things from me for the next several months (cell
phone calls-he claimed she beeped him about work). He seemed more
upset about hurting her than me and refused to tell me who she
was until I saw them together at a company party and he couldn't
keep his tongue in his mouth and everyone there knew he wanted
to be with her instead of me. She had left her husband that day
and came to the party alone. He claims he was drunk and didn't
want to be with her at all. He said he didn't even hold her hand.
Then two days later said she held his. He continued to call her
and lied to me about it. Only three months later, after I was
out of town with my sick father for a week, did he act like he
loved me again. There are so many more examples of his lies--even
yesterday, I drove by his office and she saw me and reported to
him that I had another girl in the car with me. He asked me if
I had driven by because a "maintenance man" saw me. Hey, I know
it was not the maintenance man! It was her; she is talking to
him about things other than work so he is still not telling me
the truth about her. Is it because he doesn't want to hurt me?
I don't think he is seeing her anymore, but I also don't want
them to be friends either. She has told me to stay away from her
husband. Should I call him and tell him to tell her to stay away
from my husband? After six years, could she still sue him even
she was a willing participant and probably instigated the whole
thing anyway. Why would her husband let her stay there and why
won't mine try to get rid of her when there are so many reports
of her rudeness? He is afraid of her, even though there was no
physical contact but he did take her out to dinner. Why can't
he respond to me with kindness? I feel like he has destroyed my
self-esteem with his affair and with his pornography. I have not
let him see me naked for 6 years even though other men tell me
I am beautiful. I would like my husband to help me feel that way
again. He rarely wants sex and when I try to flirt with him he
turns me away and has since our wedding day. He is not gay but
he also never acts jealous. He says if I don't trust him then
I should leave but I have found him on porno sites three times
when he promised he would never do it again. He stated he was
doing it to help us because he has a problem and he read that
he could fix it with porno. Neither of us wants to break up our
family of two teenage boys, and I don't like the idea of being
a divorced woman even though he has been abusive mentally and
physically after his affair. He says he has told me the WHOLE
truth about her but there are still things I don't believe and
don't have proof of but I know in my heart he is not telling me
the truth. When I showed him the receipt from the restaurant he
took her to he said they made a mistake and the sticker on his
car proved he didn't have his oil changed when he told me he did.
How can I ever believe in him again? Or should I just give up
and leave him? Why can't he just hold me and tell me over and
over he loves me like I ask him to. He says I am trying to punish
him and have never forgiven him but it does still hurt and I can't
forget it especially as long as he sees her everyday and still
talks to her. I am so frustrated with him." (Valerie, 49,
married 20 years)
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| "My
husband of 12 years was having an affair for a whole year, with
a women that I thought I could trust. Yes, she knew me very well,
she was married to my cousin and I was in their wedding 18 years
ago. We have 2 children and he has a son from a previous marriage.
I was in such a state of shock since I confronted the suspicion
9 months before, and they both denied it to the hilt. I had been
with my dying father for a year taking care of him. I got so caught
up in his slow deterioration, I wasn't paying much attention to
my husband. The day of the funeral, he went back to his office
where they both worked and he sat with her instead of being there
for me. That is when his affair started. He says he felt alone,
but he never told me. I am so hurt, but we are seeking help and
he wants to work on his marriage. I thought I was working on it
from day one. Sometimes people need to lose everything to realize
what they really have. I was raised in a strict Italian Catholic
family, where you work on it no matter what, but this time my
mom said, "Leave him". I decided to give him that one more chance,
but I have a very hard time trusting him." (Dawn, 35, married
12 years)
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| "My
wife refuses to have sex. She refuses to say she loves me or acknowledge
my (or her) needs. My experience, like so many others--I'm now
learning--started out great while dating and living together for
6 years. A pregnancy moved us to marriage and that's when it all
stopped! My wife scoffs at the suggestion of lovemaking using
the "psychological damage" I inflicted on her over the years.
"Too many scars," she'll retort. Physically she's let herself
go as well. My problem is in satisfaction and the need for intimacy
and stimulation. Being wanted. Monopolizing my 9-year-old daughter's
interest and time by constant shopping sprees. I can't compete
with her for dominance of the family and find I'm being minimized
into nothing." (Tony,47, married 7 years)
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| "I
have been unfaithful in my present marriage, several times. I
was caught. I know it has caused irreparable harm to our relationship.
What is most perplexing is that my wife is wonderful-- fun, beautiful,
caring, sexy, a great mother, funny, a friend...everything. My
issues are from my childhood. My mother committing suicide when
I was ten. I have always been afraid to commit. I have always
been unfaithful. I have always pushed those who love me away...before
they left me. Abandonment is a major issue in my life. My wife
and I are still together two years after the discovery. We have
two wonderful children. M wife is a saint. I am not. We are working
very, very hard at staying together an bringing back some or most
of what we thought we had. Gentlemen, if you love your spouse,
if you want to grow old with her...work, work, work, and work
some more. It is so worth it. A true, loving, caring, unconditional
relationship comes along but once. Cherish it." (John, 47,
third marriage of 12 years)
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| "Fidelity
is essential in sustaining a successful marriage. My husband and
I both have strayed emotionally through online relationships and
it nearly split us up. We tried counseling but he refused to be
honest. I was crushed and gave him the chance to leave if it wished.
He told me that he didn't know what he wanted. He was hurt after
discovering that I had been having an online "affair" with someone
years ago but he never told me that he knew until five years after.
Then he started trying out the chat rooms and "found" someone.
I was able to "spy" on their conversations and when I discovered
that he was telling her that he loved her, I exploded. I have
never been so hurt and angry in my life. Mostly because we had
a toddler and I didn't want my son to grow up in a split family.
I fought for us and was patient. We haven't talked about it since
and I believe that he is faithful now... as am I. I think we have
a better understanding about how fragile things can get and where
to draw the line if we want to stay together." (Kathy, 35,
married 10 years)
|
| "There
are TWO SIDES to fidelity. One side is the "I won't sleep anywhere
else" side. We all understand that. The second side is less well
publicized: the "I won't allow myself to turn into a hibernating
bear" side (see "intimacy" section), and not one writer here has
made the obvious statement: Attention all hibernating bears: -
you are in control of your life. Kids, hose, bills, yada yada
YADA! If you want to be a hibernating bear, OK! Go to sleep and
stay asleep. But understand this: being a hibernating bear is
being unfaithful to your marriage every bit as much as it is to
go out with another person. By being withdrawn, you're making
all kinds of statements by being too tired, stressed out, etc.
As if those circumstances are out of your control. You're hiding
your head in the sand rather than looking for creative ways to
work on keeping the torch burning. IT IS AN ACTIVE CHOICE. Being
faithful means staying committed and connected to each other.
Sex is one of the most beautiful gifts God gave us. If one of
the couple refuses to honor that gift, I guarantee you there are
a dozen divorced women out there who know a good man when they
see one. They would be happy to have 1/4 or 1/6 of that man's
attention rather than get nothing. A divorced woman, if she has
already dumped a loutish brute with no character, understands
that a quality man IS better, even if she can't have him 100%
of the time. So, "first wives" are at risk from their own hibernation.
That hibernation makes it really easy for their man to have a
second lover and not even feel bad." (Octavo, 45, married
15 years)
|
| "My
girlfriend understands that she is SAVING our marriage! By making
it possible for me to stay in there and be a great dad to the
kids, and be affectionate with my wife without getting all frustrated
that it will "never go anywhere". She's content because I'm helping
her and her kids financially in a way that her kids' dad never
does, even though he's a highly paid professional, he bars no
responsibility for her or them. I do, because I love her and her
kids and I feel that where there is love there has to be commitment.
Does the girlfriend want to be a wife? SURE! There is a huge shortage
of good men like me who are dependable, and strong enough to maintain
a family. But she knows that I'm not getting divorced because
the effects are just too traumatic. We went part way down that
path and our kids went to pieces. My kids just couldn't hack it
without me...my wife is kind of depressed and it's just too much
to ask a ten-year-old to live with. My girlfriend's kids didn't
go to pieces when their dad left. Why? Because he was a jerk.
He hit their mom, threatened them with a gun, used coke, you name
it. He's a loser and they're glad to be rid of him. Now against
that background, getting 25% time (or so) from a real man with
loving values is a pretty good deal. If I were to combine households
with my girlfriend, it would be pure chaos that would take years
to sort out. So, I'll leave the sleeping dogs lie right where
they are and wait it out." (Octavo, 45, married 15 years)
|
| "Four
and a half years ago I fell in love with a married man with whom
I worked. He had been married nearly 30 years to a woman who he
impregnated when they were teenagers. He never felt like she would
have chosen him freely, but "settled" for the father of her child.
While she had made a good mother and homemaker, she fell short
of being the kind of wife he desires. I was single, divorced twice,
and not looking for another husband yet, so we developed an intimate
relationship that satisfied both of our needs. Over the years,
we have been off and on, I have had other relationships, but I
keep going back to this wonderful man who is my best friend and
still my lover. The biggest roadblock to him divorcing his wife
and being with me is actually centered around my child. In his
mind, children led to his entrapment; any feelings his wife had
for him before his marriage evaporated as soon as children came
along. He did his duty by marrying her and being a good father,
but his job in childrearing is over. He wants us to wait until
my 11-year-old son is grown up before we begin our life together.//
He is very careful not to flaunt our relationship. We have only
spent one night together in four and a half years, but we have
daily contact, meals together every week, and spend a whole day
together riding his motorcycle or hiking somewhere (activities
his wife refuses to do) every couple of months. We thoroughly
enjoy each other's company, are deeply in love, and while sex
played a large part of our beginnings, our friendship is paramount
now. I bring to him what his wife refuses - willingness to explore,
be adventurous, intelligent conversation (something other than
what color placemats to buy), and, yes, great sex. I don't enjoy
the role of the "other woman" but I do love this man's company,
and respect the difficult position he is in right now." (Jan,
48, twice divorced.)
|
| "Fidelity
is essential. Infidelity can destroy a person inside with guilt.
I have been there, done that, and three years later I still deal
with the guilt after everyone found out. Either get out of the
marriage or stop the affairs. If one must do this to their life,
than just do it once and run. And keep it to yourself. Unfaithfulness
is only fantasy and the "new"; it will wear off. Only if you plan
on getting divorced than go for it. You can not repair the damage
later." (Lorraine, 38, divorced)
|
| "I
have recently fallen in love with someone whom I work with and
power walk with almost daily. We have kissed but have not and
will not to have sex. I realize that the emotional intimacy is
the strongest element of our relationship as we are both married
and have helped one another deal with significant personal and
marital issues. I am stuck right now. I value the friendship between
us yet have begun to have these feelings for her. I want to tell
my wife the full story, as she has noticed many positive changes
in my behavior and physique as a result of the time that I have
spent with my friend. So our friendship is not hidden. I believe
that we should be honest in all ways and that is what causes me
greatest pain inside. Lately I have been hoping that these feelings
are a phase, like in adolescence, and will pass. So I have been
taking one day at a time, and spending more time with my wife.
It has helped, but when I am alone I cry out because I have a
secret that I am holding on to. I have thought of letting go of
this friendship, but it means so much to me as I live a very insular
life with almost no friends either male or female. I am confident
that I, and this woman, will do the "right" thing, as we both
recognize what we have allowed to happen between us. We are trying
to undo this without destroying the wonderful friendship that
we have and our marriages." (Ian, 31, married 10 years)
|
| "My
husband's infidelity was not a physical one, but a psychological
one. We have been married for three and one/half years. My second
marriage, his third. We are both professionals. I am very open
sexually, but he entered the marriage with a secret. He is addicted
to online pornography. We had a fair and varied sex life together,
but our intimacy at most was once per week. We are both 45 years
old and love each other very much. He made excuses that I have
a higher sex drive, and that his blood pressure meds lowered his
drive. I on the other hand am a little overweight, and am sexually
unable to perform his ultimate fetish yet as I had hemorrhoid
surgery years ago after the birth of a child. I began to feel
guilty because I could not meet all of his needs, however I was
practicing techniques to be able to do so. Then when I took a
trip across country for our business I found out on return that
he had engaged in online sexual adventures. He lied about it at
first, which I think hurt more than the psychological infidelity.
He finally opened up in the face of a separation. We discussed
the problems fairly openly. Since "he opened up" he has been much
more attuned to me sexually and admitted that the guilt he carried
was a dark cloud over our relationship. I feel we are very compatible
and I think we are very in love, but I believe that my husband
sometimes separates "wife" from "sexual partner". Perhaps he thinks
his aggression may stop my love for him? We're working on this."
(Trish)
|
| "I
have been married to my only wife for 28 years. As in most relationships,
there are ups and downs. I recently learned, although I suspected
for some time, that my wife was having an affair. It hurt deeply,
but we were able to discuss it rationally. I know that my wife
loves me. Guys have to know that they cannot take relationships
for granted. Sometimes we get too complacent. Tip for men...Pay
attention!" (Bill, 48, married 28 years)
|
| "I
definitely have thoughts of infidelity and so does my wife. Sometimes
we share them with each other by saying we had a dream about ...
It may or may not have occurred in a dream, but this seems to
be an acceptable way for us to discuss these feelings. Honestly,
most of our cheating thoughts involve each other in some fashion.
I'm sure we will both be tempted in the future, but hopefully
we can resist. I think eventually that we will both be comfortable
enough to consider new experiences so long as we are in it together.
If my spouse or I do happen to give in to temptation though, I'm
sure we will keep it to ourselves. As long as my wife and I continue
to love each other I don't think a one-time occurrence will have
a lasting negative effect on our marriage. However we feel that
it is most inconsiderate to unburden your guilt on the other spouse.
Your partner shouldn't have to live with the cheating thoughts
just because of an your indiscretions." (Thomas, 28, married
3 years)
|
| "I
have found my mind wandering outside of my marriage, to sleep
with a very attractive executive who I work with. I mean, my husband
is wonderful, and I love him so much. So why am I having these
thoughts? We have the best sex ever after 7 years of being together.
But I just keep wishing for one night with this man. Just one
night. My curiosity is killing me." (Yvonne, 27, married
5 years)
|
| "My
marriage has just suffered the destruction of my husbands infidelity.
I immediately knew something was different between us, but when
I confronted him, he denied anything. I then asked for his cell
phone records. He first hid them, saying he doesn't owe me any
explanation for every number. He finally admitted to having an
"inappropriate" relationship with this low-life woman (the wife
of one of my husband's workers). She was obviously infatuated
with him, stared, acted like a silly teenager, and could not control
it. WELL, that lie of an "inappropriate" telephone relationship
lasted for 9 months. After a marriage seminar, he finally admitted
to having sex with her. My world ended at that moment. Despite
the feeling in my gut, I loved him so deeply that I refused to
believe it. I feel numb, shocked, rejected, and confused; I just
wanted him to leave so I could rethink my life with our four homeschooled
children. I do not know if I love him anymore because he has changed
from the man that I married. We were rebuilding a foundation of
love and commitment --we were having a low time, but were coming
out of it. Things were looking better between us, when she made
her move and he gave in. She arranged a meeting at an empty house,
and got naked, so of course he had to! I do not understand men,
but I know that I am having difficulty going on with him. I will
always long for what we had, and love him as the father of our
children. But I do not desire him, since my respect for him has
plummeted. So do you think that I am being to hard on him? Well,
men usually cannot understand the commitment-minded women, one
who has plenty of her own needs, but honors her covenant over
her selfish desires. Admitting to infidelity is the only thing
that has saved him from total separation and disdain for life.
The truth is the only way; I thanked him for coming clean, even
if it was nine months late. Diseases and other emotional illnesses
can come from keeping something from the woman that is her right
to know." (Marilyn, 38, married 17 years)
|
| "My
wife and I had been married six years when she started having
an affair with another man. The affair lasted approximately a
year before I discovered it. My wife was two months pregnant by
this other man; when he found out about it he did a disappearing
act. At first I was hurt and very angry-- I thought our sex life
was the very best. Even so, my love for my wife was stronger then
my anger. I stuck by my wife and we have a nice happy baby girl.
I know she will never cheat on me again because our love for each
other has never been stronger. Everyone makes a mistake some times
but if a person really loves someone they just don't discard them.
Our marriage was worth saving." (Don, 27, married 8 years)
|
| "I
believe that anyone who is unfaithful is weak minded. Fidelity
is a major key to keeping a long lasting, trusting marriage alive.
If you can't figure out new ways to spice up your sex life with
your wife, then you need to just suffer. Thoughts of unfaithfulness
have not entered our marriage because before we got married we
discussed our opinions and views on it. We both believe that faithfulness
is a big key to a successful marriage." (Sigmund, 26, twice
married)
|
| "Infidelity
is a terribly hurtful and painful act. It destroyed my marriage
of 20 years when my wife had an affair with an old high school
boyfriend and then decided to marry him. She tried to take our
eight-year old daughter away to live with him, which triggered
a custody battle over her. The whole mess started four years ago
and is still in litigation. Although I won custody of my daughter
it cost me everything I had. I will be paying the legal bills
for years. What made the whole thing even worse is that my ex-wife
exposed our daughter to her affair, even introducing her to the
boyfriend, telling her, "Don't tell Daddy about Mommy's special
friend because Daddy wouldn't understand." I will be dealing with
the effect of my ex-wife's behavior on my daughter's mental health
for years. Kids learn how to behave from their parents, and my
daughter has had a pretty bad role model in my ex-wife. The good
news is that I subsequently married a wonderful lady who believes
in honesty, loyalty and commitment in marriage as much as I do.
She introduced me to the concept of a Godly marriage, with the
Lord at the center, following the Scriptural model for a committed
relationship where two are one. What a wonderful experience it
is to be married to a woman who can be trusted in every way! It
frees each partner to focus on the needs of the other, and on
improving your relationship. On top of that, she is the most gorgeous,
sexy, warm and caring woman I have ever met! I am thankful that
after experiencing the depths of depression in the breakup of
my former marriage, God has allowed me to find and marry someone
so special, and let her be a role model for my daughter. Fidelity
is an absolute necessity in marriage." (Gary, age 47, second
marriage of 3 years)
|
| "I
am just wondering why men step outside of their marriages, especially
after being married for 10 years or more. When they say they are
going to leave because they are tired, is that really true?"
(Juana, 39, never married)
|
| "Fidelity
translates as trust. When you lose trust, you end up being betrayed
because when you are sharing with someone else, you are not sharing
with your partner. Bottom line: Once you betray your partner's
trust, in whatever way, you have betrayed their trust. And that's
when a marriage dies." (Virginia, married)
|
| "Fidelity
is the basis of a monogamous relationship. Fantasy and temptation
have entered my relationship. Enjoy the fantasy but move away
from temptation. I would not recommend confessing one act of infidelity,
but two requires counseling if you are over the age of thirty.
Some of my friends confuse sexual issues, intimacy, and anger."
(Kurt, 49, married 26 years)
|
| "I
never thought that I would be a person who had another relationship.
But after 10 years of marriage to my second wife (first wife decided
she didn't want to be married and divorced me against my will),
I find myself in love with two women at the same time. My wife
is a nice person, but not romantic. When I attempt to be attentive
to her, she makes jokes about me being a decade older than she
is. I ran into an old high school friend who is in a long-term
marriage with an alcoholic. Both of us would never divorce our
spouses, but we need a 'significant other' in our life and romance
so that is what we have. Discreet, quiet, yet fulfilling. The
logical question is why not change the relationships we are in?
In her case, she is in a church that doesn't allow divorce and
she fears what it would do to her adult children. She has tried
everything, including counseling, Al-anon, threats, etc. And the
guy keeps drinking. In my case, I don't believe in divorce, and
most of my marriage is fine--just no romance. My wife is an aggressive
person who is from a culture where they don't show love in the
ways we think--they cook, make nice homes, but treat men like
dominant monsters and never surrender to love. How long will I
be able to sustain a marriage and a girlfriend? I don't know.
I once knew a doctor who did it for 30 years and it didn't harm
anyone. There are different relationships that seem to work. No
hard, fast rules speak to all situations. But charging into marriages
and standing tough isn't always the answer either. I may be wrong
but I am in love with two women and it works for us." (Greg,
age 50)
|
| "We
have survived a most dreadful marriage in which I was not able
to leave and cleave from my very dysfunctional family. My mother
hated my wife, told everyone that each child I fathered was only
one more to trap me into a marriage I didn't belong in. The verbal,
emotional and later physical abuse of my wife was in reaction
to the attitude of my very sick mother. My mother's rages would
ravage the family. Denial and destruction permeated the households
of my siblings. I never grew up being able to say no -- and it
followed me into my marriage. Finally, when my sons got married,
my parents and sister convinced me that I could leave my wife.
They started on a mission to destroy my marriage, my family and
my home. Constant phone calls, visits, secrets, lies and finally
a family supported affair, left us drained and destroyed. My wife
stood by me recognizing that external forces were against us;
my inability to say no that was tearing us apart. She saw that
my mother rewarded my divorced brother with a farm. That offer
was made to me also. "Divorce the bitch and you get a farm free
and clear." She withstood the final blow to our marriage when,
on our 28th anniversary, she tracked me down and visited me at
the hotel where I was with an adulteress. It was then that I realized
that my inability to tear myself away from my sick family of origin
was destroying what was most dear to me. I do not advise an affair,
for me, set in the middle of severe depression, I became convinced
that I needed to find another woman. Thankful for the Godly wife
that I have, I was able to turn my life around. We are now, three
years since, operating a marriage learning center, active in seminars
to show people the curse of not being able to leave and cleave
from your family of origin. This is not to say that you put your
parents on an ice flow and send them out to sea, but we must learn
to establish our own home with our own set of rules and our own
lives. It became easy to see when my brother fell for the great
lie, that there is someone else out there better than the one
God choose. His children are under the care of mental health personnel.
One is in a mental ward of a prison. These children are reaping
the curse of a family did not honor the commitment of their vows.
Reconciliation and honor is how I live now. My wife never did
anything except honor and serve me as a helpmate, wonderful wife
and honorable mother to our children. Life has been wonderful
as I live to serve my wife and never allow anyone to interfere
in our marriage again." (Don, age 56, married 31 years)
|
| "I
have seen people try and resolve troubles by involving another
person-it has never worked. If you marry someone and you are in
love with this person, you can remain faithful. Some people will
blame the other for the infidelity. We all know it takes two,
so there never will be an acceptable excuse. I am a very sexually
healthy 39 year-old female and considered very attractive. I am
in my second marriage. I married very young and have had a few
troubled unmarried relationships-- enough so that I swore I would
remain single. Three years ago, I married the man I will die with--
I know this in my heart! My husband is 6 years older than me and
a diabetic; he has major problems keeping an erection. This became
a major issue for me, I was ignorant about what diabetes can do
to the human body. I felt he was rejecting me and failed at times
to see his pain with this. I have since become much more educated
on diabetes and I do all I can to make him more comfortable. At
times I do backburner my needs. I was tempted once to seek outside
satisfaction, but I realized the possibility of loosing him was
more powerful than my need for an orgasm! I have tried to understand
why people seek outside comfort in their relationships. I still
can't fathom why they take such a risk when they have someone
at home whom they claim to love and respect -- yet will give up
their most intimate self to a stranger. It's actually pretty scary!"
(Angie)
|
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examples on this website typify the experiences of many individuals
as told to Dr. Haltzman. They are intended to encourage discussion.
However, they should not be construed as describing all men and
women or husbands and wives. Dr. Haltzman welcomes other viewpoints
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