DrScott.com

[patienttoafault]

Six days ago, my wife announced she had an affair with her boss. I've been mostly silent, but at one point asked questions that revealed the affair took place in our home and our bed. I'm devastated and confused.

I'm trying to take it moment-moment at this point but am not sure what I am going to do. After finding out the number of times they met and that half of them were in our bed and unprotected, I was convinced I wanted a divorce. Over this past weekend, I started to soften, but have been faced with a cold reaction from her - she has not shed a tear and today became defensive, telling me what I have done wrong over the last few months.

Things are a mess right now. I've lost 13 pounds this week and missed a day of work because I was dizzy and nauseous because I forgot to eat for 4 days. But, what concerns me the most is now I go from staying to divorce in my mind about 50 times a day. Can anyone else say they felt this way at the time a wife's affair was announced? I'd also like to know how you handled the stress and how you made your decision to stay or to leave.

Thank you for taking the time to read this and any and all advice or help is appreciated!

[Scott Haltzman]

Wow! That's intense. I can understand the dilemma. How long have you been married; do you have kids?
-Scott

[patienttoafault]

Scott: Thank you for the reply.

We have been married for 7.5 years and while they haven't been perfect, they have been quite good. We don't have children (we can't).

The biggest problem I have right now is thinking too much. I'm thinking of all the things I will have to face if I leave and all the things I will have to face if I stay.

I find her reaction to this process cold and rather mercenary. I feel the disclosure was more about easing her guilt and her defensiveness as a way of blaming me for her actions. Again, I'm not perfect, but I feel I have done all I can. And worse, I fear that she is incapable of accepting her blame and incapable of making the kind of change I require to stay with her.

I'm in therapy and have been for a while now (to deal with anxiety and to work on my own flaws). My therapist was as shocked as I was by the affair. I demanded she go to counseling on her own, which she has started, but she is expecting me to join her with her therapist in a few weeks. I spoke with a lawyer today, just to get information (I told the lawyer I haven't made a final decision), but she can't see me until 9/1. I haven't told my family or friends for fear of how it will affect their view of my wife should we stay together.

I'm feeling isolated and really just need some perspective to help me process this trauma. Any and all help/information is greatly appreciated.

Thank you.

[Scott Haltzman]

Everything you've been feeling is normal. It's a terrible betrayal of trust, and put a crushing wedge between your marriage.
There are typical stages in an affair, including attempts to minimize on the perpetrators part, the hiding of facts, and the finger pointing.
You're also going through the phases of , feeling rage and insecurity. wanting to rekindle the marriage but feeling like Charlie Brown and Lucy, worried that she'll pull out the football from underneath him as he goes to kick it.
It's hard to compete against an "ideal" person whom your mate is having an affair with, because his warts don't get exposed, and you don't share the same baggage. She and he don't fight over how to load the dishwasher, or over whose home to spend Thanksgiving at!
Bottom line is that there are specific things that you can and should do to help yourself.
Check out "Beyond Affairs Network," (tell them I sent you) and get on line there--there will be many people that can help you walk through the steps to get back to a great marriage.http://www.beyondaffairs.com/BAN_support_groups.htm
Keep us posted.
Scott

The opinions offered by Dr. Haltzman do not represent advice or medical information. Rather they are offered as ideas in order to prompt discussion on this message board

[feniksi]

What you felt normal. I lost 10 pounds in a week and coincidentally when you posted that first post last year. Focus on yourself and I hope you are doing better know, married or not.