"I love you but I'm not in love with you"

[first year]

After being married for 4 months, that's what my wife told me. Is that a valid reason for giving up on the marriage?

[first year]

I'm suppose to talk to her tonight to tell her to stick it out. What should i say? I can't believe how lightly she takes marriage. I never saw any signs of this while we were engaged. What do I tell her?

[ThunderHorse]

Love is a decision, not a feeling.

How good at you at telling her how wonderful she is? Why is she wonderful?

Here are some compatability tests: How do you rate your wife?
http://www.LoveTest.Com


Meyers Briggs Personality Concepts, Jung Types
http://www.personalitypage.com/portraits.html

Enneagram Institute
http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/compatibility.asp

Which of these emotional needs are you fufilling for your wife? Are the ones you are neglecting unimportant? Are you doing a good job on two or three of her needs?
Affection
Sexual Fulfillment
Conversation
Recreational Companionship
Honesty and Openness
Physical Attractiveness
Financial Support
Domestic Support
Family Commitment
Admiration

Here is a link to Marriage Builders Emotional Needs Questionaire. Print it out and go over it with your wife. What can you plan to do better?

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic ... 1_enq.html


What is so good about the wife you have?

What do you know about Astrology and comparison charts?

What have you shown your wife in these four months?

What were you expecting to accomplish, that has not panned out?
What expectations did your wife have for your marriage? What has not materialized yet?

Your post does not list any hints of dissatisfaction that she has given you in the past. How good are your listening skills? What are your strenghts? Why should your wife believe that your strengths outweigh your weaknesses? If you can articulate your weaknesses and your strengths, you will probably be more persuasive.

What are your visions of how your relationship will grow? Do you live in a home that will accomodate babies and children?

[Scott Haltzman]

After being married for 4 months, that's what my wife told me. Is that a valid reason for giving up on the marriage?

Unfortunately, for many people, "not being in love" is a reason to scratch the marriage contract and move on. People wish to maintain that "high" that they had when they are dating. I think it's a mistake to believe that the passionate kind of "in love" should be the basis on which marriages should be maintained.

I agree with Thunderhouse, love is a decision, not something that just is or isn't. I hope your wife is open to hearing the real truth, not the Hollywood version of the truth.

S.H.

[ThunderHorse]

Did your wife agree to move to your new job? Does she still agree? How hard would it be to move back?

Can you spend less time with your family and more time going with her friends to single bars?

What does your wife enjoy doing in the evenigs? Can she help out with some volunteer work during the day? I see a neglected need in familyplanning clinics fo the poor of the world.

The Populatin Instituted
http://www.populationinstitute.org



Ocean Conservancy

http://www.oceanconservancy.org/site...issues_mercury


Guttmacher Institute Link
http://www.guttmacher.org/

Harvard Global Reproductive Health Forum

http://www.hsph.harvard.edu/organizations/healthnet/

http://www.ippf.org


United Nations Population Fund, Projections
http://www.unfpa.org/

Population Action International
http://www.populationaction.org/

Drinking Water Shortage Report:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/sta...is/default.stm


FamilyPlanning Supply Initiatives
http://www.rhsupplies.org/


Pro-Choice Lobbyist, Secular
http://www.secular.org/

Pro-Choice Youth website:
http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/pub...heet/fsest.htm

Health Info from Planned Parenthood
http://www.plannedparenthood.org/pp2...114-rights.xml

Abortion Rates in Selkected Countries:
http://www.infoplease.com/ipa/A0922117.html

Abortion trends in US and States
http://raymondpward.typepad.com/rain...es/Stassen.htm

[ThunderHorse]

Dear First Year,

I am currently trying to spend more time in first gear of seduction. My wife has been somewhat inconsiderate and oppositional lately. I am just trying to spend more time in first gear, as soon as I recover from Fifth Gear, I start right back into first gear.

Maybe a common mistake of newly wed men is to quickly zip through gears 1 through 4, get into fifth gear, finish, and its over. Then they wonder why their woman is feeling unloved, and is not feeling that the affection she gives, is not being returned. Double Negative for emphasis.

Are you waiting until it almost time to get into fifth gear, before starting out in first gear?

On my way home, I am envisioning the various ways that I might enjoy first gear interactions. I start in as soon as I come through the door. But not with the idea af rushing into Fifth gear. Just making the home a pattern of loving interaction energy tracings.

[ThunderHorse]

Listening vs. Taking Quick Easy Steps

The power of action is a turn-on.

The Secrets book discusses listening, which is important. The reason Listening is important is because Taking steps in direction desired by your woman, is a display of power, and a turn on. Listening tells you how to build Love.

I used to think it was giving in. My wife would ask for a glass of water, and I would tell her it was her job to get me a glass of water, not my job to serve her. But I was missing a chance to dispaly the power of ACTING on her DESIRES.

You can hurt a woman, but never slight her. That means that if she wants you to do something simple and easy, do it right away. DISPLAY that you have heard her wishes. If there is something complex she wants done, do some of the first steps sooner than later.

Make a list of everything you know she wants you to do, and everything you have not done. What can you start doing now to fulfill your wife's wishes? What are the easy ones you have overlooked?

Have you explained the diffidculties with the more challenging requests and wishes? If your wife thinks you are refusing to do something that is easy, but it is actaully difficult, you should be sure she understands your blocks, and that she does not see you as oppositional.

Also, about the timing of shifting gears in foreplay. You want to take enough time before shifting to the next gear, to avoid a serious objection to making love. But more than avoiding objections, you want to take time in each gear, to build up your woman's adoration of you. Create Enthrallment and attachment to your aproaches.

[first year]

Thanks for the replies.

What do you mean love is a decision and not a feeling? How is that possible? My wife is wonderful and I definitely “feelâ€

[first year]

What is this talk about gears? What are the five gears?

One thing that you talk about in which I'm really interested in is the idea of 'power' and decision making. My wife has told me recently that she wants me to be more decisive, take the 'initiative'. Is this what women are attracted to?

We've both always wanted to move to NY and now where here. She just started her new job so hopefully she'll enjoy it or at least like it. However after only 2 days, she dreads waking up and going there. The fact is though, she dreaded and hated going to her old job and she dreaded it because it was everything that her new job was not. So basically she has her ideal job, but now wants her old job (ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?!?!, was my first reaction). I don't want to move back either, not for a while. I had some posts back in early dec when things were down in the dumps. We spent 3 weeks together just us, and it was fantastic. It couldn't have been better. Everything was clicking. Then we went home to her parents house and things got bad. She realized how much she misses home and wants to go back. And since then, things have been back to bad. I don't know what to do.

[ThunderHorse]

The five gears are explained in the Secrets book. I outlined the gears in an earlier post to one of your earlier theads:

http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... light=gear

Search the word, "gear"

One problem with being nice is you sometimes earn disrespect. You can balance Demands with Kindness. Commanding Respect and earning love is a delicate balance.

If you are feeling unappreciated, what can you withdraw that you are doing extra? When asked, "Why did you stop?" you can answer I was feeling unappreciated.

I have some books and VHS Tapes by Gary Smalley. Here is a Link to Amazon.com for his book: Love is a Descion:

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_gw/10 ... =9&Go.y=12

[Patriarch Verlch]

You are lucky she is telling this to you now.

Mine waited until I knocked her up. She made me feel like King Charles on Ecstasy. Then after the baby kicked in she turned into a contentious witch!

I respect the women that are upfront about their feelings, rather than waiting until it is to late for you!

Mostly I personally do not think that the majority of American women care only about themselves and that is it.

[first year]

Patriarch - So what happenned now? How long have you been married? I'm really at a loss of what to do, I either 1) Try to work it out, keep encouraging her and wait till she finally wakes up and realizes how good she has it (which is what I want to do, i made a life long committment and i want to follow through 'for better or worse') or 2) forget about it and move by finding someone new.

I'm hoping for #1, but I see myself moving towards #2. I've been colder to her lately and haven't been really trying. I just don't understand. I think it's jsut that she's so immature she doesn't know what she wants. She has her 'dream job' right now, the job she wanted when she was at her old job, and now she longs for her old job (which she stated she hated many times when she was there). When we were living in our old city, she couldn't wait to get out and move to tne new city. Now that we're here, she can't wait to move back. And she's always back and forth with me. In the month of december, she went from basically 1) I don't want to be married anymore, to 2) I love you so much, i'm so lucky, to 3) I don't want to be married anymore, who knows what it'll be next week.

What should i do?

[elizacol]

There is a good website and book for those
whose spouses decide they no longer want
to be married or are no longer 'in love'.

I believe it is divorcebusting.com or
divorcebusters.com

Great advice on how to proceed with
your wife!

[first year]

elizacol

i went to that divorce busting web site and it looks really cool. A lot of the stuff that my wife's been telling me and the situation i'm in is addressed almost to the point in what i've been reading so far. My question is, how reliable do you think this is? Do you know anybody who's done it? The cost is $390 for a coach, do you have any success stories?

[ThunderHorse]

Dear First Year,

Have you bought the book? Have you been practicing the Love Diet?


The Love Diet

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin ... 377#000006





I don't know if the counseling is worth the price.

Here are a couple of Marriage Builder Threads on 108 Degree Divorce Busters:


Too Much Coffee Man Thread on 180 Degree Divorce Busters:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin ... 000476;p=0



From another thread
http://rrr.kmcm.dk


Here are some additional resources, for comparison:



1. Marriage Seminars
2. MB Reference Threads

General Self Improvement:

Silva comes to mind. $350.00 for a weekend
http://www.silvamethod.com


MARRIAGE SEMINARS:

Vow Saver's 8 Week Class Locataions



Two education programs mentioned in a newspaper were:

Practical Application of Inimate Relationship Skills

Course offered in AnnArbor Michigan, Practical Application of Intimate Relationship Skills

Council of Relationships:
Council of Relationships, Practical Application of Inimate Relationship Skills

Pairs.com
Pairs.com, Practical Application of Inimate Relationship Skills





Relationship Enhancement Program

National Institute of Relationship Enhancement


Somewhere, there was AND PREVENTION





Smartmarriages.
Diane Sollee


smartmarriages.com Clearing House for Marital Education programs



Retrouvaille, Catholic
Retrouvaille Married Couple Retreats



Researcher, Dr. Susan M Johnson, Professor of Psychology
University of Ottawa
Ottawa Couple and Family Institute