Bringing this up here

[frustratedasalways]

I seem to be the rare bird who has the sex drive and it is my husband who thinks sex is a chore. I can't tell you the source of hurt this has been for me and I look at these women here who basically want 'bribes' to hand over their affections and think they are selfish and nuts. Why isn't sexual intimacy in and of itself a token of your husband's affection for you? I know it is for me. I don't need to be bribed with little gifts or whispers in my ear to want to share that part of myself with my husband. I believe women like this just don't know what it's like to be without it. If you think not getting your little gifts makes you feel sad, try being rejected sexually then get back to me about the petty little gifts of affection.

For the doctor, why are some men like this? When a man disconnects sexually it means it's over doesn't it? I've suspected this, but I look at my 3 children and cry over it. He is the type that doesn't like to rock the boat, but when I said I was leaving, he didn't challenge me. I don't think he loves me or finds me desirable, but doesn't want to be the 'bad guy'. For the women who are still receiving the beautiful gift of their husband's desire, be thankful--it is a gift in and of itself, forget about the token gifts. I am set to divorce over this it has so eroded my own feelings now. I used to think badly of myself but during a time we were seperated I had no problem finding men who found me attractive and desirable and would court me. Oh and he won't go to counseling since he says and I quote "I am not the one unhappy in the marriage. I don't see what the problem is"
Sometimes I feel like I can relate to the men having to deal with their wives who are so selfish to say the same types of things. very sad indeed and yes, I'm very angry...I'm sure that tone comes through, but given the usual opposite issues in a male/female relationship I feel very alone an dlike the biggest loser on the planet that I don't have a husband who initiates sex or when I do will try to get out of it.

[ThunderHorse]

I hit the wrong button, hope it went through. I did not proof read my post so good luck understanding what I said. Best wishes for your situation. Post back if you want to work throught the situation.

[ThunderHorse]

Dr. Haltzman has has an excellent section in the SECRETS book on a stimulating atmosphere in the marital bedroom. You don't seem to mention how the atmosphere in the marital bedroom compares with Dr. Haltzman's suggestions. Have you ever asked your husband how the marital bedroom could be re-arranged to make him feel more comfortable with marital relations?

You also do not mention privacy and noise screening. I have gotten shushed by my wife when the kids were living with us. Really put a damper on my enjoyment.

Respect from you and the youngsters, as a team, is important for setting the atmosphere of respect in a marriage. Kids find ways to deliver digs to Dad. List some examples. How did you handle the kid's disrespect to DAD? Have you been careful to make any suggestions bordering on disrespect to Dad, to Dad privately? My wife is very careless about making insulting suggestions to me in front of the kids.

You do not mention the time limitations you place on advances. Often women expect advances at certain times, and forget that their man has made advances but has been rejected, or not received go-ahead signals, so he does not try at the times he wants it, any more.

You said you give your husband a test by asking him to move out. You were disappointed when he said OK. If you want more Love, get on the Energizing cycle. Telling your husband to move out is on the De-Energizing or Crazy Cycle. Undercutting your husband's self esteem is not the way to build love. Search loveandrespect.

If you want an improved relationship with your man, I suggest you start with breakfast. Most women desire a relationship in the evening. Accommodations by a woman at breakfast are important to many men. What time does your man like to eat breakfast? How can you arrange to meet him for breakfast? If you are in competition with other women, then you can probably win easily by improving the accommodations you provide at breakfast time.

You seem to be expecting your woman's intuition to guide you in a relationship with your man. There is a nice song, "I did it my way." This implies that your intuition will give you good guidance. One of the basic principles of loveandresepct is that women and men really don't understand each other, and most women have very little idea of how to do simple things to make a relationship with a man work much better.

If you want a better relationship with your man, work on the Energizing cycle by finding ways to give him more Respect..

Respect is CHAIRS

Conquest, (Work and Hobbies, Interests) How have you expressed admiration for you man's work? His favorite sports team? His other hobbies

Hierarchy (His grading of who is more important) How have you expressed
appreciation for his judgement about who in his opinion is more or less important? Have you tried to give more respect to the people he feels deserve more respect.

Authority (Control over certain issues) Are you more concerned with having a father for your child, or with letting your man decide those issues of concern to him? What to have for dinner? What to watch on TV? What time to turn the lights out? What brand of toothpaste to buy? Wha ttiem to put the children to bed?

Intuition (His ability to give political and religious opinions) When did you ask his opinion on an election or public policy? When did you tell him you respect his values on Religion?

Relationship (Your going with him where he wants to go) When did you offer to go with him when he was going someplace you did not want to go, just to be with him, not saying or doing anything, just supporting him as his woman?

Sexuality. Have you asked your man how he might like some creative accommodations? Have you researched the options together?

Are you asking for the Love to which you are entitled? Do you know what Real Love is? The Love you deserve and probably desire is outlined in loveandrespect as COUPLE

Closeness

Openess

Understanding

Peacemaking

Loyalty

Esteem

Have you recognized and appreciated the many aspects of Love that your description leads me to believe is there from your husband?

Please tell me where I am wrong. What am I missing?

I lost my original post, but this is close to what I said.

Your decision to become a single mother is not really a great idea statistically. Your children are much more likely to end up in trouble. How do you expect your children to respect authority, avoid alcohol, drugs, violence, cigarettes, and other bad influences, when you seem to worship your impulses? If you are having trouble controlling your impulses, you might check out some ADHD sites.

If you want to join your husband in some meaningful self-improvement, there are many parenting courses and tapes on parenting. This seems to all be about You, rather than the challenge you face of raising responsible children.

[Coder]

I'm a big believer in ritualistic sex. Ok, that sounds wrong.. What I mean is, there is a ritual, or schedule so that one partner doesn't feel constant rejection.

I bet it's pretty rare that people have exactly, or very close to the same sex drive, but yet, it's such and important part of the relationship that there should be some way to comprimise with it.

I'm not saying the person who wants it once a day, should get it once a day unless their partner is a once a day person. However, find that limit at which its starts affecting your happiness, and plan a schedule around that. That way, both people know (and hopefully look forward to) the big event.

I've never been on the other side of the coin, but my personality is such that I want to do all I can to please my partner. Everyone should have boundaries about sex, what, when, how, etc... but without comprimise on it, I don't know how people have happy marriages.

My friend, who's a female, just got divorce from her husband, who was a nice guy, but only wanted sex 1-2 times a year. For her, it was constant rejection. Honestly, I don't know how she handled it for that many years.

Luckily, they had no kids. How is your husband beyond not being physically intimate? Is he a good father, good partner, etc?

I wish you luck... I hope you can talk with your husband about this, and see if there is a ritual, schedule, common ground on frequency that you both know when it's going to happen. If so, rejection dissapears (maybe a day or two slippage sometimes of course).

Good luck!

[lexiemae1980]

My husband won't touch me either and if he does it is just a chore for him. I have to ask for it all the time. There is no intimacy even if we do. He just puts it in... I am a very attractive female and have never had a problem geting men. I am 5'7 120 lbs and have been approached numerous times to model. I think he might be gay. Either that or he is cheating and if I find out he is cheating I am leaving him. I will take my kids and I won't even think twice about it. I am so tired of feeling rejected now I am to the point that I hate him. We have only been married 5 years and this started the day we got married. I was pregnant at the time and we had dated for 2 years. During the 2 years of dating we had sex three times a day. We get married and it stops almost completely. He always makes stupid exuses for not wanted it too. One was.."My wrist hurts" I am not making this up. I should not feel like this I am too good for that and you are too. Woman need to feel wanted and touched by the man they marry...if not what is the point.
Lexie 1980

[karenann]

Maybe sex for your husband IS about intimacy and he wants sex with you to be an intimate, emotional time to connect. It sounds like sex for you may be just sex. There's no desire to be "with" the other person. His kind gifts and actions are his way of trying to connect with you and you may be disregarding them as trivial. If you can't connect to him with these acts of kindness how can you connect in the bedroom. You need to push start his buttons. Totally go overboard outside the bedroom when he does something nice. Talk to him about personal issues. Make him feel wanted "outside "the bedroom and he might be more inclined to drop his defenses and start to enjoy time with you in bed. He also has to just "do it" He needs to step outside his comfort zone and get a little crazy too. That way he can push your buttons too and hopefully you'll both end up really connecting and enjoying your time in the bedroom and eventually in all aspects of life. Hope this helps.