Husband lied about female friend

[CNYwoman]

My husband had an on-going "friendship" with another woman for over a year before I found out. He did, about 3 times, during that year say he spoke with her but made it sound innocent. When I checked his phone records I noticed that they were talking almost every day and texting just as much. When I asked him about this he said that she was just someone to talk to to make the day go by. When I asked if he met with her he said NO. He told me that the "friendship" was important to him and I told him that I didn't like him having that much contact with her and to stop calling her and not to return any of her calls either. I should mention that when researching all these calls and text messages, they were only when he was at work..never at night or on the weekends when there was a chance that I would be with him. After much detective work on my half I found out that they did actually make plans and meet out. My husband finally admitted that he lied to me and told me that he was going to the store when he was actually meeting with her. I can't tell you how angry, hurt, disappointed and disgusted I am with him. He told me that he spoke with her and said that I was upset and broke off the "friendship". He has sworn up and down that this type of thing will never, ever happen again, but here I am left with knowing that my husband LIED to me about another woman who occupied so much of his time. I really don't think that he had a physical affair. I believe it was an emotional affair, but honestly, this hurts just as much. I still love my husband but not with the same passion that once was. I want to get over this, but I don't seem to know how. Seeing a marriage counselor is out of the question because of our financial situation. What should I do?

[farrahchace]

I am sorry that you husband lied to you. I hope that you get over this and you both are happy. If I was you, I know that you are hurting and are pissed but if you want to get over this you are going to have to forgive and forget. I know that it is hard to forget but if you don't will hold it againts him and you will not be able to over come this.

First thing you need to do is trust him and let him hang out with a female that is just friend nothing more. If you keep him locked up he is only going to do more things that hurt. I know it is hard to do just let the one you love hang out with another girl but it is for the best. He will see that you are okay with his friendship and he will call his friend when you are around and you will see if it is just a friendship.

Also if you are okay with his friendship he has. Then he should be okay with you hanging out with this friend to. If he doesn't let you go with him to hang out with this female friend so you can check it out, then were is something more going on than just friends.

I know that this is very hard to do but they say if he loves you he will not cheat on you and he will go back to you and not his felmale friend. Once you let him hang out with her, you will see who he love becuase he will want to be with that person more. Which could hurt you more but it is better to know than not to know.

In my psychology class I learned about social influence which is how a behavior is influence by the social environment and the presence of other people.You said that your hasband only does it at work. Your husband could have a buddy that have a female friend that helps him let out his stressors in life. Your husband maybe trying to do the samething.

I hope this helps you and good lucky, I hope in the end that you are happy.

[ThunderHorse]

You may think about boosting your husband's ego.

Certainly this is difficult when he has let you down.

But the other woman may have been finding ways to boost your husband's ego, which you were over-looking.

A no contact letter can help give you confidence that your husband is not seeing the other woman.

Women are often not in tune with helping boost the egos of their husbands.

Asking for Wife's Praise thread under Taking Care of Yourself section has some ideas of praise men may find enjoyable. Ther are aslo some commments in the thread by women who disagree wtih the idea of boosting their husband's ego.

http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpBB3/viewtopic.php?f=8&t=307

Have you read the Wive's secrets book?

THE SECRETS OF HAPPILY MARRIED WOMEN, HOW TO GET MORE OUT OF YOUR RELATIONSIP BY DOING LESS, 2008, BY Haltzman and DiGeronimo
Table of Contents:
1. Know Your Husband
2. Nurture His Needs - and Yours
3. Fight Better
4. Talk Less
5. Have Lots of Sex
6. Take Charge of Your Own Happiness
7. Heal Thyself





//

[rvware]

So your husband was having regular contact with another women and it is making you unhappy and uncomfortable. He has lied to you about having contact with her and also about meeting up with her, but nothing physical, if I understand correctly. He now claims that he broke contact with her and has promised you that this will not happen again. While there is nothing wrong with your husband having friends that he meets with outside of your relationship, the fact that he lied about it and it made you uncomfortable made the relationship inappropriate.

Dr. Misiurski says, “ It is okay to have friends outside of a relationship, even if those friends are of the opposite sex, but those friends must be friends of your relationship. And if one spouse is not comfortable with a relationship that the other should break it off immediately, with out question.” In your situation regaining trust is the most important thing to regain your marriage. Dr. Misiurski also says “ sustained satisfaction in close relationships depends on the time and effort people put into them. “

According to my notes on Robert Sternbergs 3 components of love to maintain a close relationship you need equity, meaning what you get is what you put it, full self-disclosure, meaning reviling intimate aspects of oneself to others and you also need attachment, meaning trust and intimacy.

If you wish to truly regain your marriage you need to reopen the lines of communication and trust. And also re-discover what once made you happy in your marriage. If your husband re-assures you that he has cut off the relationship with his friend you need to trust that he has done so, and find a way to move forward in your marriage.

i hope that together you both can find the happiness that you once had.

[tuloquito]

Your husband seems to be having regular contact with another woman for over a year now. According to you it was supposedly an ongoing “Friendship”. He admitted to having spoken with this women but he made it sound like it was just all friendly talk. You decided to check his phone records and to your surprise you found out that they had been talking almost every day and had been texting each other as well. You confronted your husband about this and he made it sound like it was no big deal, he said that this woman is just someone to talk to make the day pass by faster. You asked him if he had ever met with her to which he replied no. He told you that this “friendship” with this women was important for him, so you told him that this is making you feel uncomfortable and that he needs to cut off all contact with this women. Also he would only receive these messages when he was at work or complete alone (not anywhere near you). After investigating a little more you found out that your husband has actually been meeting with this woman without your knowing. After finally admitting the truth to you he swore that this would never happen again. Even though he said that it would not happen again you still worry that this will occur again.

Dr. Haltzman says, “EMOTIONAL AFFAIRS: Not every intimacy becomes an emotional affair, but every emotional affair begins with intimacy. Emotional infidelity is defined as the growth of a strong psychological bond between two individuals that are not in a committed relationship when one of the two is already in a committed relationship. “
Your husband shares a relationship with this particular woman. They have known each other for a while now. They text each other everyday day and have even met a couple of times. Your husband just can’t find a way to get this woman out of his mind. This friendship that he has built with this woman is far more than a mere little friendship. If he continues with this friendship, his feelings for her will become even stronger then what he claims.

Dr. Haltzman says, “If neither of these individuals were hitched, they might just be considered to share really strong friendship. But when at least one is involved with outside relationships, this is much, much more than a friendship. An emotional affair includes the elements of sharing intimate secrets, seeking to spend time alone with each other, and withholding information about the relationship with one’s spouse.”

I believe that what you need to do is just tell him exactly how you feel. I know he is your husband and all but don’t try to soften down on him. He had been doing this behind your back for over a year now and every time you confronted him he would say it’s just a “friendship”. You also have to understand once a man cheats on his wife he’ll be more vulnerable to do it. You can’t go easy on him and forgive him all the time. The reason why so many women these days are crying over a man is because they choose to keep giving them chances believing that they will change. You have to let him know that if this ever happens again it’s over. Many men think that they can take their wives for granted, but you shouldn’t let this happen to you. You have to stay strong. Marriage counseling is also a very good idea. If you don’t have enough for marriage counseling try asking a friend to help you come up with the money and you can pay back when you can. If you truly love this guy then I think you should try counseling but if you just feel like you don’t love him then you know what you must do.

[yulanda]

I am so sorry to hear that your husband lied to you about his female friend, as you stated there was no physcial contact between them. Maybe you should beleive him and try to forgive him, or ask him to intoduce you to her. There are somethings that he could talk to her about without been judged since they are not in a physcial realtionship. As you noted they only speak or text when he is out of the home, that shows he is respectful to your feelings. Do you trust your husband?, if you do why would you read his texts and go throught his phone?
In my realtionship with a male friend, that has been going on for over twenty years, we both tell each other things that we would not tell our pathers, we go places without them, yet we are not having an affair. At one time I had stopped going out with my friend because my boyfriend was getting upset, so I did stop talking and doing things with my friend, only be be abused emotionallyat home. I had to turn to my friend to help me out of that realationship. On the other hand I do undertand your feelings.
In my psychology class Dr. Misiurski said " to get rid of his negative behavior it must be replaced by positive reinforcement if not it may produce undesirable result such as fear, anxiety or hostility."
According to Dr. Scott "Not every intimacy becomes a emotional affair, but every emotional affair begins with intimacy", please try and have an emotional affair with your husband.

[alicestone]

That’s tough, when someone you’re supposed to trust lies to you about something so serious. Correct me if I’m wrong, but he was having regular contact with this woman without your knowledge. He flat out said that they NEVER met up, and that she was just a “friend.” However, you found out later with some detective skills and questioning of your husband that he had been lying for quite some time. Now you don’t know what to do or how to fix it, and you don’t have the financial means to get professional help.

According to Dr. Haltzman himself, “divorce doesn't have to be in the cards for every relationship who has experienced an affair. These marriages can be saved, and on a personal level, that can turn a family from disaster to stability. Moreover, saving marriages reduces the costs to the community by reducing poverty, improving health, and leading to longer and happier lives of married individuals.”

For you, you need to figure out a way to forgive and forget. This may be difficult and time consuming, but it can be done. Dr. Scott said that, “These marriages can be saved, and on a personal level, that can turn a family from disaster to stability.” If you take advice from friends and family, or even call a psychologists office to ask questions this can help you learn how to move on from this situation and make your family whole again.

I think what will help you out greatly is to make sure he doesn’t stay in contact with this specific woman. Tell him that you want to know the females he is talking to and that would make you more comfortable. If he won’t budge and wants this woman to still be in his life than you must sit down and have a nice woman to woman chat with her. Explain to her that you love your husband very much and that you are not making it so they cannot be in contact, but so that she knows it needs to strictly be a friendship and nothing more. I really hope I helped and that you can move on and work on this with your husband. I hope you both can rekindle your passionate love for each other.

[scl93]

So your husband had an ongoing “friendship” with another woman for over a year before you found out? He then acted like it was no big deal, and said it was just someone that he talked to to make the day go by? He also said that the “friendship” was important yet he only talked to her when there was no chance that you and your husband would be together? Your husband lied to you about meeting up with her as well?

Dr. Misiurski says that it is okay to have a friend of the opposite sex as long as they are a part of the relationship. However, if the friendship makes the other person in the relationship feel uncomfortable, the friendship should be ended immediately. This can be done by no longer answering calls, texts, emails, etc. and stop trying to contact the other person.

In your case, the problem is that the other woman was not a friend of the relationship, and your husband was hiding the “friendship” from you. Since this woman was so important to your husband, he should have introduced her to you in order to make her a friend of both of you. That way, it would be easier to trust them together.

In my opinion, what your husband did was completely wrong. However, there are ways to get around this. Although it is easier said than done, you need to learn to trust your husband again. If he really has cut off all contact with her since he told the other woman that you were upset over the situation, it seems like he is willing to work on things as well.

[robinhood]

So your husband has been hiding this relationship with another woman for over a year now, and you have just found out if I understand correctly. When you confronted him about it he made everything seem all innocent and said how he had only talked to her a few time, but when you went back into his phone records you noticed that they were talking every day. These phone calls and text were only on the days that he was at work, in which he stated ' it makes the day go by faster', and when you asked if they had met he told you no, which then you found out they did have plans to meet up.
As my professor Dr. Misiurski says, “ It is okay to have friends outside of a relationship, even if those friends are of the opposite sex, but those friends must be friends of your relationship. And if one spouse is not comfortable with a relationship that the other should break it off immediately, with out question.”
As I can see from what you are saying you are very uncomfortable with your husband talking to this woman. You must confront your husband on how this makes you feel and explain to him what your feeling. There is no way that you should have to go through it alone, so letting him know where you stand would possibly make him understand more. Also, knowing your husband has lied to you is something your going to have to work through together. He needs to understand that he can't just have your trust back the next day and that he needs to put effort into showing you how much he cares and wants to gain the trust back.
A possibility if your husband would like to keep this friendship with her would be allowing you to meet her, if you would be comfortable with that solution. Or even if she has a husband, you guys could all relate in one way and become friends as a group so you know there is nothing that your husband would be hiding, although they still shouldn't text throughout the day. I feel as though your husband took a big step in telling his 'friend' that it upset you by him communicating with her and broke it off. The most you can do is put your trust in him.

[kl92]

I am truly saddened by your story. I know how hard this must be for you and at this point you’re probably thinking this is not fair. And this is not fair but you can’t pity yourself forever; you both must move on and accept the fact that what he did was wrong and there’s no erasing time. Of course you can’t just drop everything he did and forgot, it takes time and effort. If you both truly love one another and want to save your marriage you will work together to overcome this struggle currently controlling in your life.

I am currently taking a psychology class and am learning about issues dealing with this similar topic. We have discussed and talked about social influences, which is how behaviour is influenced by the social environment and the presence of other people. What you are experiencing with your husband would be considered emotional infidelity. “Emotional infidelity is defined as a psychological bond between two individuals that are not in a committed relationship when one of the two is already in a committed relationship.” I got this quote from Dr. Haltzman who is a marriage counselor. You can find him on Facebook, he is an awesome counselor and gives great advice to couples everywhere. He also subscribes books and other information to those who cannot afford marriage counseling. I would encourage you to take a look at this because this would be a great help. He believes that many marriages do not have to end.

My psychology professor, Dr. Misiurski, explained to my class that “there is nothing wrong with your spouse having a relationship with the opposite sex but those friends must be friends of your relationship.” She is basically stating that every marriage has the right to know their spouse’s friend of the opposite sex. We also learned Robert Sternbergs 3 components of love to maintain a close relationship which is equality, full self-disclosure, and lastly attachment. Equality meaning: the effort you put into your relationship is the same effort you should receive. Full-disclosure meaning: telling your spouse everything and not holding anything back. Lastly, attachment, meaning: loyalty and your intimate life with one another.

If you want a healthy, happy relationship you both must work together. There must be no secrets in your relationship because you both are a team. I encourage you to follow Robert Sternbergs 3 components of love and to look up Dr. Haltzman these both should help. I understand it is not easy to forgive and forget but you both will eventually get other this bridge with time. Once you regain his trust, everything will become much easier.

[Dcr2394]

I understand your situation very well. Your husband had a different sex friend in your marriage that you had no idea about. When going through his phone, did you see anything hinting towards an affair or any sexual behavior? Where there any signs that he might be attracted or flirtatious with this women? If so then I think that you should be worried, if not then there shouldn't be a problem. In a current relationship lasting 4 years I had a partner that was also in the same predicament that your husband is in. My partner at the time had many "friends" that were boys, as a man you don't feel comfortable with your mate or women being around other men. You hate every second of it. All you do is think of the negative when you think of them hanging out or texting and calling one and other. I know the pain and discomfort you are feeling.

During the course of this year I have been taking a Psychology class, and we have gone over similar situation. My professor and Dr. Scott as well have suggested that in order to have a full trusting relationship you must have friends within your marriage. Your husband should introduce you to her or you should already no her. Having people outside of the "Trust Circle" in a marriage will always cause problems. Dr. Robert Steinberg says “Love comes in three parts Passion, Intimacy, and Commitment." Without these three things love is nothing there is no love. The last one is the most important Commitment, this mean no lying, and holding anything back. Your husband should be able to tell you anything. Maybe you are not making him feel as though he can.

In a marriage you should have total trust in your spouse. There is nothing that should hold either of you back from being able to share your deepest darkest secrets with each other. If there is something that is blocking that, then fix it. Without commitment what do you have? Nothing, it is the glue to the entire relationship. You are going to have to break the barrier down between you two and start fresh. I understand lying was the worst thing he could have done, but in reality if he told you he was meeting with another women, would you be thrilled. Ask yourself these questions and try and relate. He is in no way right about this but try to be understanding.

In order to fix this issue you have with your husband, I think him cutting her off is a start. Also you must be able to feel comfortable with each other. Try sharing small things with each other, maybe some things you never said before that you would like to get off your chest. Don't go right at each other’s throats, just try and talk. The best thing to be able to do in any relationship is to communicate. If you don't communicate then how do you know how each other feel? Send him texts at work showing your thinking of him. Guys just as much as girls love attention. You and your husband have just hit a small pot hole in your marriage all you have to do is just keep driving take it one day at a time enjoy each other in every way possible. Live your life with them experience things together even each other.

[p$yCh101]

So your husband neglected to tell you about a “friendship” he had with another women for over a year? He also told you that the two of them never made plans to meet up, which you found out, was a complete lie. It’s always hard when someone you love lies straight to your face. I know of a similar experience where someone their significant other lied about having an affair. It was really tough on the other person because they looked them in the eyes and swore that it never happened. Trust is something that is earned but is hard to replace once is broken.

Dr. Haltzman believes, “it is okay to have friends outside of a relationship, even if those friends are of the opposite sex, but those friends must be friends of your relationship. And if one spouse is not comfortable with a relationship that the other should break it off immediately, without question.” Basically he is saying that you’re allowed to have opposite sex friends but they need to respect the relationship between you and your partner. In my psychology class we learned about emotional affairs. An emotional affair is one that excludes physical intimacy but begins with a friendship but then turns into infatuation which leads to the person spending more time with the “friend” than with their partner.

From what Dr. Haltzman said it appears that this other woman isn't a friend of the relationship. Since the friendship started as a secret, it made it look like something else was going on, which is why your husband should have ended it as soon as you found out. Since clearly you were not okay with the situation is which is normal for you to think. It’s likely that your husband was experiencing an emotional affair because he said that he talked to her “to make the day go by.” If he needed to talk to someone he should have confided in you since you are his wife. Also they would talk and text each other every day which was becoming a little obsessive.

The only way to fix the trust between you and your husband is that he has to reassure you that he cut off all connection with this other woman. You also have to trust him that he actually went through with it because if you keep accusing him you could drive him further away. You may also want to try and ask your husband how his day at work was, just show him a little attention. This is going to take some time but if you both put in effort I’m sure that you guys can take some steps to make things how they used to be.

[PyschStudent401]

Your husband is having what seems to be regular contact with another women for about a year now, and this is making you uncomfortable and unhappy. He has lied about having any contact whatsoever to this women about the “friendship” that they share, and also meeting up with her. With what I gather he hasn't had any physical contact with her, if I understand correctly. He makes it sound that it is just a friendly thing that they may have. Even though you have caught him lying about the talking and texting on the phone more then he has said, there really is nothing wrong with having friends of the opposite sex. But it is the fact that he has lied to you time and time again is what makes this inappropriate for your relationship as a married couple.

In my psychology class my professor has taught us that “it is okay to have friends outside of your relationship as long as those friends are friends of your relationship.” If one of the spouses is not comfortable with it then you shouldn't be friends with that person, and you should break off the friendship immediately. In this situation regaining the trust and form of passion you once had for your husband is the most important thing to regain in your marriage. You need to be able to communicate more, do more things together that you once did, in all reality you need to light the flame again that got you to be where you were before any of this happened.

Dr. Haltzman says, “If neither of these individuals were hitched, they might just be considered to share a really strong friendship. But when at least one is involved with outside relationships, this is much, much more than a friendship. An emotional affair includes the elements of sharing intimate secrets, seeking to spend time alone with each other, and withholding information about the relationship with one's spouse. Since this has started as a secret it really did make it look like something else that it shouldn't of been. Once you confronted your husband about what was going on he should have blocked her number from his phone and stopped talking to her. It's normal for someone to think something is going on in a situation like this. It's likely that your husband was experiencing an emotional affair because he just needed somebody to “talk” to, when he should have talked to you.

There really is only one way to regain trust in your husband and that is to make sure that he has cut off all communication with this women, and trust that he has or its going to hurt you. Give him the attention that he wants, when he comes home from work ask how his day was, text him through out the day even if it's an “I miss You”. Leave him notes in his lunch bag. Just do little things to let him know that you are still there and you aren't going anywhere even if it was just a mistake.

I hope this helps and goodluck!

[redrocker]

Well there are lot of reason for, both positive and negative. But I strongly feel that none of these reasons are better than what feels from your heart. If you do feel there is no need for any post-mortem then don’t do it. Trust your partner.

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Redrocker

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