elizacol wrote:Emotional intimacy, most likely, yes. Physical intimacy, not necessarily, but perhaps.
I was not the greatest communicator, nor very demonstrative with my love. (Quite the opposite of many marriages, where the male fits that stereotype).
My husband NEEDS communication and affection, as he did not get either as a child. I generally don't. (Again, the opposite of the norm of male/female beings).
This led to problems, of which we are now working together on.
Is this something you are dealing with? I've been down that road if you'd
like to talk.
elizacol wrote:blondegirly,
Wow! This is definitely a moment/sign of growth for me. Even a month ago, the fact that you were (are) the MW in an emotional affair with a MM would have made me detest you and judge you instantly.
You see, I was the unsuspecting wife whose husband got emotionally involved with an unhappy MW.
Instead, I find myself able to 'talk' to you without any feeling whatsoever, except a desire to help and offer whatever I can to you.
Understand, I am seeing it from the wife's pov, and that which I have gleamed from my husband through our talks. So, I don't know how much I can be of help.
As for your confusion about how he can love his wife and yet be deeply involved with you. It is entirely possible.
You are filling some void in his life. I can't tell you what void that is, but you are most definitely filling a void. I will throw a few out here, but it may or may not be one of the following:
1) a need to feel desired/attractive/wanted/appreciated (a 'getting older' thing)
2) need for excitement (married life can get dull if it is not stoked frequently)
3) need for someone to 'understand' him (lack of communication w/his wife)
The above really have nothing to do with 'love' per se.
Let me ask you something.
How much of the REAL you does he see? How much of the REAL you do you allow him to see of you?
By the same token, how much of the REAL him do you think you see? How much of the REAL him do you think he allows you to see?
How much of your affair is built on fantasy and not on reality?
At the end of the day, it is the spouses who see the REAL deal. The yelling, the pouting, the laziness, the lack of affection, the poor parenting, yada yada yada (I just threw a bunch of things out there as examples).
None of that is usually seen during an affair. Hence the fantasy, not reality.
Anyway, I digress.
Personally, I do think the wife needs to know and no, I don't think he has told her. Trust me, he is doing everything in his power to NOT hurt his wife. Telling her about his affair would hurt her, and he isn't going to do that unless he is cornered and has no choice.
You may ask, well, isn't having an affair hurting her? Yes, but not as long as she doesn't know. In his eyes, if she doesn't know, it isn't hurting her.
Her knowing would hurt her.
Understand, by bringing it out into the open, your MM WILL have to make a choice. His wife isn't going to allow him not to (unless she's an idiot).
What Thunderhorse said is correct, one way to bring about an end to an affair is to bring it out into the open. Affairs thrive on secrecy. Without secrecy, they fizzle. Part of the excitement is the secrecy.
One last thing.
Whatever flaws that exist in you that resulted in your having an affair are still going to be there even if you do end up with your MM.
Same goes for him.
Whatever flaws he has within him that has resulted in his having an affair with you are still going to exist if he decides to leave his wife and be with you.
Personally, I would work on YOUR flaws, whatever they may be. I would encourage him to do so as well.
The core issue isn't the affair. It's the lack of 'whatever' within each of you that is the issue and needs to be dealt with so that you both become 'whole'. Whether 'whole' together, or 'whole' apart.
By the way, my husband and I are working together much better now that we ever did before. His 'need' for her began in August of last year, dissipated gradually from May-Sept. By October, we were on the road to healing because all contact and desire for contact with her stopped.
I can honestly say, had he not done what he did, we would not be where we are today. So much growth has taken place within each of us as individuals, which in turn has resulted in growth as a couple. I am such a better person and wife and mother now that I was before we went through this.
Let me know if you need anything else. I do tend to be wordy. Sorry!
ThunderHorse wrote:Dear Blonde Girl,
You are to be congratulated in a number of respects. First that you are willing to enter therapy, and are following through.
That you did not actaully go over the line from an Emotional to a real affair, is commendable.
It sounds like you are out of the FOG that affairs sometimes take on, which clouds the faults of the Other Man or Other Person. It sounds like you are working to gain an accurate picture of his strengths and weaknesses. Good luck on No Contact. Maybe just a wave, and "HI" to avoid looking overly unfriendly.
You may not wish to disclose if you have children. But one reason I asked is because taking parenting courses has brought my wife and I closer, each of hte three times we took parenting courses. If nothing else, we were discussing issues in the same terms. I recently shopped on E-bay and bought some tapes and videos that were helpful. My wife is resistant to admitting that any ideas except form her freinds and relatives, might have any merit, at this point in our relationship.
Even if your children are no problem, enjoying your children more together can enhance your marriage. Here are some Links for references on parenting couses, in case you or other readers want to check out the possibilities:
PARENTING COURSES
Nurturing Parenting by Stephen J. Bavolk, Ph. D. Nurturing Parenting Courses and Materials
1-800-688-5822
Web Link:
http://www.nurturingparenting.com/
Parenting Books, Courses and Videos
AP, Active Parenting by Michael H. Popkin. Ph. D.
Active Parenting Web Site
Tough Love Parents Manual by Phyllis and David Yourk
Aware Parenting Institute:
Web Link:
http://www.awareparenting.com/instruct.htm
Instructors for awareparenting .com Phone: 805-968-1868, California, or E Mail [email protected]
for Parent Effectiveness Training instructors in your area, Phone, 800-628-1197, or 858-481-8121, or E-Mail to [email][email protected].[/email] Gordon Training, Parent Effectiveness Training
Gordon, Parent Effectiveness Training, PET
Web Link:
http://www.gordontraining.com/
This is a Link to parenting instructors: Instructors trained in awareparenting.com
805-968-1868, California,
Web Link:
http://www.awareparenting.com/instruct.htm
E Mail, [email protected]
Boundaries With Kids, Raising Great Kids
by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, Zondervan, Grand Rapids, Michigan 49530.
Boundaries, Face to Face (2003) by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
cloudtownsend.com Link:http://www.cloudtownsend.com/
www.drhenrycloud.com
www.newlife.com
ODD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder
WHAT PARENTS NEED TO KNOW ABOUT ODD, by Dr. James D. Sutton, Ed.D. docspeak.com, docspeak.com, James Sutton, Parenting and Oppositional Defiant Disorder
Internet Search for "Step Parenting"
stepparenting.com
StepParenting.com
step-parenting.com
Step-Parenting.com
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