New to this site, but am finding it quite helpful.

[jeannie1061]

My husband and I had yet another fight about chores. I just don't know how to handle my requests. Maybe you could help me with approaching him so he doesn't feel as if I am picking on him.

Here's a little history, we've been married a little over 4 years, dating for 2 prior to that. He has two daughters and I have a son. Stepfamilies are one of the most difficult environments to live in, but that's not what my post is about.

I cannot begin to tell you how insignificant my husband makes me feel. I will ask him to do X, I will not say anything, I will wait and wait and then we usually end up in an argument because he feels as if I am treating him like a child. I have been disappointed many times and he has just started coming around to doing what he said he would.

Here are a few examples: at Christmas I asked him to help with putting the light up reindeer outside, he said yeah, sure no problem. A week goes by and nothing, another week goes by and nothing. Now we are in the middle of an argument and I mention it and he stomps off and it does it at that moment just like a child. Just this week I explained to him that one of the bills is charging us extra for something we don't want. He says, let me get off the phone and call them. I ask him two days later if he did it and he says no. I wanted a fan installed in the kitchen, he said go buy and it and I will install it, he did. I appreciated him and thanked him. The fan was really his idea. The argument today was that I cooked dinner last night (totally exhausted from doctor's appt., locked my keys in my car door and worked) not in the mood to cook dinner at all, but did because my husband was hungry and he's important to me, my son did the dishes and husband said, well I guess I better take out the garbage. He didn't do it last night and I was concerned he wasn't going to do it today (garbage pick up today) and if wasn't done today and I said something after, we still would have had an argument - past experience or that yet again, I would have to do it myself.

He does laundry or cooks dinner or dishes on ocassion and it feels as if I must bow to him for helping out. I am the primary bread winner since much of his income goes towards child support and bills he brought to the marriage and I helped him with paying many of them off from an inheritance my father left me. I work full-time, I am mostly responsible for the chores around the house and my son helps also, but I have been told not to expect applause for cleaning the house.

I have no desire to be intimate with my husband, he doesn't make me feel important and that I am just a b*tch for saying something about something not being done.

Any suggestions would be helpful because I am tired of this circle.

[Patriarch Verlch]

My husband and I had yet another fight about chores. I just don't know how to handle my requests. Maybe you could help me with approaching him so he doesn't feel as if I am picking on him.

Here's a little history, we've been married a little over 4 years, dating for 2 prior to that. He has two daughters and I have a son. Stepfamilies are one of the most difficult environments to live in, but that's not what my post is about.

I cannot begin to tell you how insignificant my husband makes me feel. I will ask him to do X, I will not say anything, I will wait and wait and then we usually end up in an argument because he feels as if I am treating him like a child. I have been disappointed many times and he has just started coming around to doing what he said he would.

Here are a few examples: at Christmas I asked him to help with putting the light up reindeer outside, he said yeah, sure no problem. A week goes by and nothing, another week goes by and nothing. Now we are in the middle of an argument and I mention it and he stomps off and it does it at that moment just like a child. Just this week I explained to him that one of the bills is charging us extra for something we don't want. He says, let me get off the phone and call them. I ask him two days later if he did it and he says no. I wanted a fan installed in the kitchen, he said go buy and it and I will install it, he did. I appreciated him and thanked him. The fan was really his idea. The argument today was that I cooked dinner last night (totally exhausted from doctor's appt., locked my keys in my car door and worked) not in the mood to cook dinner at all, but did because my husband was hungry and he's important to me, my son did the dishes and husband said, well I guess I better take out the garbage. He didn't do it last night and I was concerned he wasn't going to do it today (garbage pick up today) and if wasn't done today and I said something after, we still would have had an argument - past experience or that yet again, I would have to do it myself.

He does laundry or cooks dinner or dishes on ocassion and it feels as if I must bow to him for helping out. I am the primary bread winner since much of his income goes towards child support and bills he brought to the marriage and I helped him with paying many of them off from an inheritance my father left me. I work full-time, I am mostly responsible for the chores around the house and my son helps also, but I have been told not to expect applause for cleaning the house.

I have no desire to be intimate with my husband, he doesn't make me feel important and that I am just a b*tch for saying something about something not being done.

Any suggestions would be helpful because I am tired of this circle.

Well, personally I think that us men have an unfair disadvantage. If women think they are equal to, and can do anything a man can do, why do they need child support and alimony?

Women were designed, I believe to be dependant on men. We were suppose to shoulder that responsibility and we did just that for thousands of years.

For some reason women wanted to leave the confines of their homes and work for and pay taxes to, the government. Rather than working on personal bonds and social networks that would benefit, not only her, but her hard working husband, in exchange for a life of servitude for a job chasing paper money.

I would suggest hiring out the cooking and cleaning if you don't want to do it.

All a man wants to do is have a helpless wife and to help her do things and then get his back rubbed in adoration. Try it some time.

Stage it, and just see how good he feels.

"Honey I can't get all that stuff high up off the shelf."

"I need my big strong husband."

Watch him do it, and then promise him all the sex he can handle later.

You have the keys to a happy marriage.

The problem is that women have been needling men for all the wrong things that women perceive all of men to do wrong. We are slobs, or don't listen to them, or blah blah.

We don't listen, because we are thinking about our next move in conquering the known world. Forming an army,aking all the gold and establishing ourselves as the next King of wherever kingdom. Not only that we tend to think 6 months into the future and worry about those days. Women tend to think about what is in front of them. Car seats, baths, showers and clean sheets. Which is exactly what we need.

I tell my wife, "I will take care of the big things, you take care of the little things."

In other words I will change the oil, spark plugs and a broken down car. You organize things so we don't like in a pile of dirt. ie vacuuming and sterilizing things.

I take out the garbage after she gathers all the little trash bins into one big garbage bag she can't lift. Then I step in and take charge.

Deep down a woman wants a man that she can't push around. Women needle us to ensure that we can protect them and to try and make us stronger. Perhaps we will work out more, or lift weights, so we can handle seven crack smokers that just invaded our home and are threatening to kill us with their imaginary weapons.

Women in America spend to much time thinking about their own happiness and forget their husbands have feelings, or that they even exist.

I'm sure there are some things you like about him. Point those out, and if you want something done that bad, do it yourself. Stop bossing around the very man you married. Pleased don't be one of these women that will let a man knock you up three times and then leave him because he isn't a good house wife.

Remember that single mother households produce 85% of the worlds criminals.

[ThunderHorse]

Dear Jeanie,

The cycle may have a few more steps than you describe.

If husband does something for you, you can express gratitude.

The Questions you ask are important.

How can you start out to express more gratitude for some little things he does? Women have such a wealth of sensual power over us men, that we will melt into a slave, when asked and rewarded sensually.

Apparently you are asking for more chores than your husband is willing to do, at this time.

How can you change, to show more sensual gratitude for the chores your husband already does, sooner and more sensually, so that your husband will desire to do more chores, and get more sensual contact from you? Can you look forward to tapering off the rewarding process, as your husband's habits of chores gets stronger?

Do you have sufficient privacy in the home to give maximally sensual recognition, honor and reward, without delay, to your husband? Do you have a code word for when the kids are in the house, to go to the bedroom, and lock the door for a few minutes? Maybe, "Oh dear, there are some bills I for got to show you, can you come to our room, so we can discuss the bills privately?" Do you have in mind a range of activites that your husband might enjoy for 5 or 10 minuites, and then go back to the family? I enjoy my wife just pulling down her top, or unbuttoning her blouse. Seems simple enough, but she rarely does it. I tell my wife that I would like her to be my topless waiteress, at least occasionally.

You might ask for chores that are easy for him to do, but difficult for you to do?

How can you make chores easier?

My wife makes chores difficult, by being thrifty in respects that make chores more difficult.

My wife fills up the refrigerator with bargains, and then there is no room for my favorite TV Dinners, so when she does not cook, cooking was difficult for me. I recently commnadeered a shelf in the freezer for my TV dinners.

My wife buys cheap trash bags, that too often fall apart when I am taking out the trash. Then I have to pick up the trash from the floor, and clean up the spilled food. The trash bags my wife buys don't fit our kitchen trash can, and the inside of the trash can gets dirty. My wife also runs out of trash bags, paper towels, soap, and other items needed for chores, because she only buys on sale, and has notframe of mind to buy a few items to tide over the supply until the next sale.

My wife also likes to keep items in haphazard locations. Where things were kept last week has changed this week. My wife likes to stuff the cupboards, so I can't see what is behind the front row in the cabinet, so I have to pull the contents out of several cupboards to try to find supplies needed to do chores.

My wife sometimes washes the dishes, and puts them in the dishwasher racks to dry. Sometimes, my wife intends to run the dishwasher, and just rinses the dishes superfically, leaving small food particles or smears on the dishes, that will probably come off with a full cycle in the dishwasher. But I have no way of knowing whether the dishes in the dishwasher or clean, or half-clean. So I usually re-wash the dishes that are in the dishwasher rack, when I am looking for a dish or silverware.

Another questions is, is there some way to better organize the materials needed for chores?

Another question is, is there a space in the house that you designate and honor for your husband's tools and hardware supplies? My wife likes to re-arrange my stuff, and throw some of my manuals and magazines away.

How much does your son contribute to the mess in the house? My son was a pig, and my wife refused to support my correcting him. My son moved out last week, and the kitchen is noticeably better, but he still comes home for meals, just less often. How old is your son? Does your husband feel your son is doing a fair share of the chores, or does your husband feel you are being over-protective of your son? Does your husband feel your son is doing a good share of the chores, or does he resent your being overly protective?

Breaking a cycle usually means one person has to take the lead. Try asking for things with honor, and treating yhour husband with kindness. Make him feel like a king for 10 minutes, and see if the rest of the evening he will do simple easy things you ask like a little bird eating bread from your hand.

Phrases are important. I have been talking to my wife about her beauty, radiance and enchantment. How can you use lauditory terms with your husband? How do you encourage your son to express respect to you husband?

What kind of atmosphere do you have in your household? How can you make more times loving fun? Families should be primarily about having some fun times. What do you do with your husband to create fun times? Are there unresolved blocks to fun times with the family? What are those issues of unresolved resentment? How can ammends and forgiveness be promoted?

end

[jeannie1061]

I will try some of the suggestions. But, my original concern was not addressed. I will ask my husband to do X and he will say sure, no problem. The initial item that I have asked for help on has not been completed in a week or two weeks, but he will play his PSP, watch movies or be on the computer all day long on his days off. I would like to be able to do the same. Instead of having all the chores, errands, bill paying on my days off and wondering why my husband hasn't yet fulfilled my request and build resentment. I do not want to ask him again as I don't want to appear as if I am a nag and the task is usually only completed in the midst of an argument. He will stomp off like a child and then do it. I don't understand why he can't do whatever it is in a more timely manner without getting to the point of an argument.

When my husband calls me at work (I have to work as I help him pay his Child Support, student loans and income taxes that he didn't pay for four years that he brought to the marriage), I will do whatever it is immediately, I never make him wait for any request. Why is this okay in man world? Why are women's requests disregarded?

Also, why is it that men say that they work to help support the family, but if a woman works also, it doesn't mean anything. I work full-time, clean, grocery shop, run errrands, laundry, painted the interior of the house, cook, pay bills. But whenever there is an argument, his debate is, well, I work. Um, so do I.

I have found a bit of a solution. I am going to pay my son to clean the house weekly. Also, when my husband says what would you like me to do. I have begun to ask when his next day off will be and I usually say, I would like X to be done on that day.

[happy in PA]

Let's see. You picked a guy who already has failed at one marriage, fails to pay child support, student loans and income taxes. Why are you now surprised at his behavior? It is just a continuing pattern of failing to meet his basic responsibility.

[ThunderHorse]

Dear Jeannie,

Sounds like you are developing some strategies.

I admit that I kind of went off on a rant in my last post about my wife's making family chores more difficult and less pleasant. Sounds like your son is already doing his share of the chores.

I am a mojor procrastinator, myself.

Perhaps you could add a target date to your request. "Do you think you could put away the Christmas Lights by the weekend after next?"

If an agreed timetable is missed, then have an alternative plan in mind. Such as paying your son to do the task, a neighbor, or handyman service. "If you are running short of time or energy on the Christmas Lights, I can have my son do it for $X or A Handyman Serivce do it for $Y. Did you want me to take care of getting it done, or did you want to create a new target date?"

So it is not exactly nagging, it is offering to taker over a project that he could have done for you, but which you could find a way to get it done, spending money.

One goal about chores is avoiding arguments. The goal is to find approaches that state reasonable expectations in a respectful, yet releasing of responsibility manner. The responsibility for the task should be clear at the end of the conversation. Tough discussions should be timed for avoiding interruptions. But discussions of neglected chores should not be put off for too long.

My wife has voice mail on her cell phone. I leave her messages if I can't reach her personally.

Is there a way to leave your husband a message? I carry a beeper, so my family can reach me at work, without interrupting me in a meeting. Has your husband refused to work out optional communication strategies?

If you feel that your husband could pick up on more of the chores, then select one task that you can live without. Let him know that you are asking for his help on ironing his white shirts, whatever. When it is time for your husband to go to work, and there are no clean, ironed white shirts, the consequense of his procrastination should not affect you.

.