Dear Doctor,
I am not particularly concerned with my wife's shifting her priorites every few weeks, to match her percetption of current fads in the thinking of her associates.
My concern is that my wife uses her associates' ideas for the purpose to make me WRONG. So I seek to ask her to refrain from cutting me down, and express contrary ideas as considerately as reasonably possible. The first step is to bring to her mind the justifications of my values.
If my wife stated her opinions in a manner that did not purposefully contradict my ideas, then I might have a chance of not being offended. My problem is not that my wife has views that diverge from mine, but rather that she states her changing views in a manner to deliberately contradict my values.
I enjoy making others appear wrong. But I recognize that making others appear wrong, is insulting to the targeted individuals, and I tone down, or otherwise manage, my make-wrong instincts.
My wife has limited self-awareness, and limited self-confidence that would allow her to acknowldge her strengths and weaknesses. I am working wth Gary Smalley conepts of Beavers(Tireless Detail Workers), Otters (Creative, but not neat), Golden Retrievers(Calm and friendly, unless really pushed), and Lions(Like to be in charge, and in your face). Some progress. I have the
Hidden Keys to Successful Parenting tapes.
In Scientology, one of the evaluation categories has three types of people. Suppressive, Balanced and Potential Trouble Source, PTS. Suppressive people are pushy, and try to get their way with bullying tactics. Balanced people can withstand the ordinary tactics of bullying, suppressive people.
Suppressive people are effective in dominating Potential Trouble Source people, who are overly adaptable. PTS people have low skills in fending off bullying tactics. PTS people sometimes have a tendency to seek to be dominated by others, and escape the responsibility of Feedom by turning over control to others.
I judge my wife to be somewhat PTS. PTS people are difficult to deal with, because they don't have their own values. PTS people change their mindset based upon the perception of force from others. So PTS people will take on values, if they Percieve a reasoned structure of authority, even if the source of the ideas is not suppresive, oppressive, bullying, or unfarily pushy.
Perhaps there are some terms for PTS people in Psychiatry. Maybe ADHD Traits, Sociopath, or Borderline Personality, or Bipolar.
The Scientology Cognitive Therapy for a PTS person is to assist the PTS person to gain skills and practice in fending off bullying tactics by others. Somtimes a relationship needs to be altered or suspended by the PTS person to achieve Balance.
My questions are designed to restore at least a partial balance for my wife, so that she can remind herself that my opinions have validity, and are worthy of avoiding put-downs. My opinions are largely based on logic, and I am willing to discuss the underlying logic at most reasonable times.
I do not seek to dominate my wife to take on my beliefs. I am primarily interested in ordinary consideration and politeness when my wife is presenting alternative views, that my beliefs should not be deliberately conradicted, disrespected, or made wrong.
My current approach is to think up some balancing questions.
My wife and I are both somewhat ADHD, and have an ADHD son, 30 years old, close to finishing College. One of the occasionally co-existing traits of ADHD is ODD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder. The MMPI test has a Rebelliousness Evaluation Category. The DSM for ODD was revised in Dec 2006, as I recall. The revision took into account that ODD transcends into adulthood. The earlier 313.81 stated that ODD evaporated at age 18, similar to prior definitions of ADHD.New Text:
http://www.psychnet-uk.com/dsm_iv/oppos ... sorder.htm
I have felt that the ODD part of ADHD is a major factor in what causes a higher representation of ADHD individuals in prison populations. My term Make Wrong is an outgrowth of my study of the ODD component of the ADHD in my son. What Parents should Know About ODD by Dr. James Sutton, docspeak.com Link:
http://www.docspeak.com/
So it is difficult for readers to know if I am really a victim of a make-wrong artist, or if I am simply an over-bearing person, who percieves my wife as being overly non-compliant.
I am applying the philosophy that if something in the marriage or household bothers me, then I should be the one to take a lead in taking steps to alleviate or resolve the problem. I am defining the problem as that my wife forgets the logical basis for my beliefs. One possible solution is for me to devise a list of questions, that reminds my wife of the logical underpinning of my values. Just as basic, that if the bathroom sink has soap build up, that bothers me, then I can be the one to get out the cleanser and a sponge, then apply elbow grease.
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