"Closed off" wife

"Closed off" wife

Postby Frenchie8486 » Wed Dec 14, 2011 3:12 pm

I am new to this site, so forgive me if this is a familiar topic. I am a man in my mid forties who finds himself alone in my relationship. I have been married for 20 years, but I find that my wife has become very emotionally detached and closed off. I have really tries to do everything a "good" man does. I am religious and involved in my church, have a good professional life, money is not an issue with us, I try to take her on vacations, stay involved with my children, help out around the house, etc. I am very handy and have done a ton of work inside and outside our home to make it beautiful. Like many couples, the rigors of having to children and both having careers seems to have killed any notion of romance (on her part) and we have sex once a month, but seldom more (although she doesn't believe this). We have tried reconnecting by going on dates, but still can't seem to break the pattern. For quite a few years I have seen her desire for me and any sort of meaningful passion and affection disappear. She has always been a more private person, and is very much "inside her head" much of the time. She is more fixated on what "needs to be done" than on me or my needs. She sometimes acts annoyed because I want to hug or kiss her - she's too busy for that. The fact is she doesn't realize there will always be something that needs doing. I am the passionate one in our relationship. I've tried to tell her how I feel, I've tried to make her understand me, tried doing more, helping more, being more, but it doesn't matter. I grew tired years ago of being turned down in bed so that now I don't feel like trying to initiate anything. I'd almost rather go without, but I can't seem to help myself, I eventually break down and by then she is usually receptive to it. I often see her look at the clock when I initiate sex, because she wants to know if I will be infringing on her sleep. She seems to enjoy sex when we have it, but after some of the reading I've been doing I'm not sure of that anymore. Because of her neglect and my bitterness, I find it hard to feel passionate about her which I am afraid has taken its toll on the quality of the sex as well. Most of the time it's more about getting our rocks off than about the experience, and the love. I don't mean to make her sound cold and unfeeling because she is a great woman.

I know it's not that she doesn't love me, she does, but she seems unhappy with her life much of the time, not because anything is really wrong but just because. She's not clinically depressed (I know what that looks like). I need some help here. I feel starved for affection and tired of waiting for her to come around. I feel like the best years of my life are almost in the rear-view, and I can't hold on much longer.

I'd like some perspective here from the ladies. Have any of you ever been in this place? What was the real root of the problem, and how did you get out?
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