Husband does not require much sex

[songsparrow]

Most discussions everywhere are about how women are being pawed at by their husbands for sex, and they want to know how to deal with that. Or, guys are complaining that their wives are not receptive to being sexual. I cannot relate. I have been married for 13 years, and my husband has never seemed to "require" sex. It has nothing to do with physical function or our appearances. We are both healthy and within normal weight range. If I pursue my husband for sex, he is most often ready and willing, but he does not pursue me. We typically have sex about once per month or once every other month, usually initiated by me. I don't really want to chase my husband down if he would prefer to be doing something else with his time (such as yardwork or his flashlight modifcation hobby). This has been going on since we first got married. I am wondering if it is because prior to marrying me, my husband's only sexual relations with women were "indoor sports", outside the realm of a relationship and making love, and I married him when his physical/hormonal drive was lowering (I was 29 and he was 32 when we got married)? He is certainly not indifferent towards me; he will graze his hand across my back whenever he walks by me, and he will on occasion bring me flowers "just because". Our son is now 9 years old, and we live in a small house, which means we have even less opportunities for sex, since our privacy is limited. Me being the primary one to initiate hugs, kisses and handholding is pretty annoying. We seemed to be closer when we did more things together (holding hands while walking through Home Depot or the grocery store), but my husband prefers that I take care of all the errands. On so many forums, I read comments about how the more we do for our spouse, the more they will become naturally inclined to reciprocate. Well, that is not the case here. It seems in my home, the more I do for my spouse, the more selfish he becomes (because I have freed up more "me time" for him), my needs aren't met, and the more drained I am. I even prepare his breakfast, lunch, and snacks to take to work. I also leave a "love note" out for him each day. He says he appreciates what I do, but if I should for some reason not be able to do those things, he gets pissed off, because he has come to expect it. We do like our simple, traditional lifestyle of him working outside our home, while I maintain the home, our finances, and home educating our son. I want to know how to spruce up our intimacy and help us to be genuinely more connected. I feel like it's usually me doing the "trying to make things better" thing, but then, if nothing is bothering him, then why would he be seeking assistance?

I would love to hear some suggestions out there from the guys. Thank you!

[socialdistortion]

Dear Songsparrow,

I have read extensively on the issue of low sex drive in males. I have come to the conclusion that there is absolutely no helpful advice ever published. I am not sure what the clinical term is for men with low sex drives but for the sake of conversation I will call it ‘Girly Syndrome’. Men with Girly Syndrome do not initiate or take an active role in pursuing sex with their partner. They act like insecure women who don’t want to participate in extracurricular activities. Girly Syndrome can significantly affect a marriage and the overall happiness of the women married to such men. The long term psychological damage and impact on partners of men with Girly Syndrome is grossly underestimated.

The marriage experts, marriage professionals and marriage specialists have written numerous articles and books on this topic, all of which are pretty much worthless. Women married to men like these are advised to romance their husband all day long hoping for a response. Bad advice. Who the hell has time to romance anyone? Women are also told to stop ‘bitching’ all day long and perhaps their man will be more responsive. Again, bad advice. Only a bitch would even suggest that (as if bitchiness in women and testosterone in men are remotely correlated). My suggestions to anyone married to a man with Girly Syndrome immediately give up hoping for a cure short of medication or masturbation.

If anyone has a vaguely helpful suggestion on this topic, please post it.

Best,

Social Distortion

[songsparrow]

Thank you, socialdistortion, for validating my position, and not assuming I am a "bitch" who has caused my husband's sexual inattentiveness. I like how you stated that bitchiness and testosterone are unrelated. You are correct; most "experts" recommend that a woman quit bitching in order to get her man to be more sexually responsive. After reading your sentence about that, I realized that you are correct, that is a ridiculous notion, since I have known of guys who still want to be intimate with their bitchy wives! Even right after having an argument! LOL Romantic gestures have proven in the past to be a waste on my husband, to the point of me hating my birthdays and holidays, since my efforts aren't reciprocated. I can distinctly remember me handmaking a heartfelt card for him, included with his favorite chocolates. He stood over the trash can, pulled the pretty ribbon that was attaching the card to the chocolates bag, dropped the ribbon and card into the trash can, and ate the chocolate. Nice, huh? You are correct, women don't necessarily want (nor have the time) to romance a man all day! My love language is acts of service, so it is in my nature to be kind and thoughtful towards others, but I have had to tone it down with my husband, since his lack of reciprocation drains me. My efforts do not necessarily lead to more closeness (I am not talking just about sex). They usually just permit my husband to continue being inattentive, while enjoying a nice life.

As I said in my initial post, my husband will "rise to the ocassion" if I pursue him, but if I leave him alone, he will be content to engross himself in his hobbies. Fortunately, I am an independent person, and can always find a myriad of other things to do with my time. I am disappointed, however, that I am not a sexually active married woman. I thought this aspect of my life would be different in a committed relationship. I often joke with the gyn at my annual appointment when asked what I am using for birth control. I say, "abstinence!" LOL

[Patrick717]

Being a man in what may be a similar situation - I'm finding this thread interesting. You might want to read the thread at http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpBB3/viewtopic.php?f=2&t=772 If that link doesn't work, it is the thread about 'wife avoids sex'.

[Cindy47]

RE: Husband does not require much sex:

I am completely sympathetic to your needs. My husband and I are both "big" people; so that, often, has been his excuse. I'm not even that into sex, but knowing that he doesn't want me, makes me wonder what's wrong with me. My needs are not met. This led to an affair, and I am not proud of that. But we chose to stay together and now, we face the daunting task of figuring out what went wrong.

My problem is that my needs aren't being met. And my husband isn't exactly the conversational type. He dreads the conversations, refuses the advances, and hardly kisses and hugs me, but I'm suposed to feel like expressing my love for him by cooking meals, fixing lunches for the next day, and taking care of him. (He also enjoys acts of kindness).

I am a very aggressive problem solver. I talk, read, research, and obsess until I figure it out; but for the life of me, I can't figure out what he thinks he's doing that would make me want to keep giving and giving and getting nothing in return. Again, like you, this isn't just sex. There's not intimate conversations, no touches or expressions of need for me. He's fine if I'm there, Fine if I'm not. It's like putting money in the bank every day and knowing that you still have no savings; no safety net. I am so incredibly lonely, you wouldn't believe it.

This began when he lost his job in '07 and hasn't stopped yet. How do I continue to take care of him and deny myself? When is someone going to take care of me? I don't even know what it is that I need. What do I ask for? I have a desperate need for him (atleast that's how it was in the beginning). I craved his presence, his touch, his companionship. He was so eager to be with me that I had no doubt that I was loved. Now, I can't tell if he'd rather be with me or at work.

I've discussed emotions and feelings so much that he's shut down. He hates to talk, doesn't want to be close, and says it's all due to his low testosterone levels, weight, and stress. Why should I continue to feel unwanted and unpleased, and he get taken care of like a king? What do I do? I've turned the tables on you, a little bit. Please help me.

[songsparrow]

Hi Cindy47. What you described (other than being large...both my husband and I are slender) is very, very similar to what I went through with my husband in 2008. I think he was depressed at the time. Is it possible that your husband is in a state of depression? If he is, you have to understand there is nothing you can do to bring him out of it, and the more you do for him, the more you are going to enable him to remain in his current state. He has to want to make changes for himself (and for you) to feel better. The affair you mentioned having is a symptom of the fact that your needs weren't being met. You expected your husband to pay attention to you in marriage, and for whatever his reason, he wasn't. He was draining your "love tank" instead of filling it. After about a year of putting up with my husband being "checked out" and my "love tank" remaining on empty, I did tell him early in 2009 that if he didn't seek help and/or make a change, then perhaps our son and I were going to need to separate from him. He cried, and promised to get help/get better. I am like you....a leader, who wants to fix things. I am not a gal who "vents" or complains. When the regular family practice doctor diagnosed my husband as ADD and began messing around with meds that I knew should only be prescribed by a psychiatrist, I put a stop to that. The first medication my husband took allowed him to experience "clarity", but then he could not get nor maintain an erection, so what was the point? The second medication made him angry and paranoid, two emotions my husband had never before experienced. He was scary for both my son and I to be around during that time. I think the biggest thing that made a change for the positive was his attitude. I had to back off and do less for him, while still letting him know I cared about him, but he couldn't take advantage of me. We had gotten to the point that he literally would not do anything unless specifically asked. Life with my husband is certainly better now in 2012, especially since he recently quit drinking coffee. This past year, his coffee consumption had gotten so high that he seemed irritable and out of most of the time, while also having bad breathe and body odor. During this time, I pursued him for sex only once every month, or once every other month, around the time I was ovulating and feeling overly sexual. Now that he smells better and is warmer and friendlier, we will see if there will be improvements in the area of intimacy. I hope what I shared might be of some help!

[Theotherhalf]

Dear Songsparrow,

You are dead on with the 'Girly Syndrome'. I am married to one of those. Nice, thoughtful, passive man who doesn't reciprocate sexually. Many times these nice, thoughtful, passive men marry strong women who take care of everything, who do all the hard work in the relathionship to make sure that everything is healthy. My husband doesn't initiate anything in our relationship, emotional, physical, intellectual or otherwise. But he is a nice guy who will go along with whatever I bring to the table.

My theory is that they never learned their constructive power to change their reality. Moms are wonderful things who kiss it and make it feel better. But if we never leave the comforts of our mother's skirts and are shown (possibly by a father) that regardless of the discomforts of our reality, to use ones' constructive power to change ones' reality rather than passively leave it up to someone else, we get Girly Syndrome, Manboys, Passive powerless nice guys. This is the essence or the 'lesson plan' of male initiation in many traditional cultures or what initiation is trying to prevent. These men with Girly Syndrome, Manboys and Passive Powerless Nice Guys may have a hard time expressing themselves. They may turn to alcohol to 'make it feel better' rather than constructively dealing with their discomforts. They may appear manipulative by saying what you want to hear so that you dont get upset and make him uncomfortable, but then never follow through because they fear incompetence. They may selfishly take and take and take because they never learned or are afraid of the power of giving. They may just expect the services of a strong wife to do everything as they expected the same from their mother. Initiation teaches that responsibility leads to power (not the other way around) and responsibility is the ability to respond. A man who can not respond has no power. A powerless man does not feel like a man. A man who does not feel like a man does not initiate sex.

So what do we positively / constructively strong women do when married to a Girly Syndrome man? Nothing. A woman can not make a man, but we can destroy one. He needs to find his power on his own. He may never.

Theotherhalf

[socialdistortion]

MEN WITH GIRLY SYNDROME CRITERIA

Girly Syndrome- A pervasive and fictitious psychological disorder that I completely made up in which happily married men stop initiating sex and/or responding to sexual advances as indicated by five or more of the following:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagine sexual activity.

2. A pattern of unstable or intense lack of sexual interest characterized by extreme fits of acting like a frigid woman.

3. Pattern of obsession with meaningless activities other than their wives well being (e.g., excessive volunteering, extreme exercising, unwarranted gardening or spending long hours baking things that no one even wants to eat).

4. Men with such a disorder are often seen as increasingly annoying by their partners.

5. The man is viewed as less masculine, less protective and ultimately less desirable.

6. While initially tolerated, the wives of such men commonly become cognitively, behaviorally and physically disinterested in them.

7. The lack of sex is not caused by involvement with another woman, substance abuse or caused by other psychological disorders (although they would probably get diagnosed with many other disorders if they would get off their asses and go see a therapist).

Specific Culture, Age, and Gender Features

The pattern of behavior seen in Girly Disorder has been identified in many settings around the world. Typically occurs in men who are in their 40’s.

PrevalenceT

The prevalence of Girly Disorder is far more common than men would like to admit.

Course

There is considerable variability in the course of men with Girly Syndrome. The most common pattern is one of chronic sexual disinterest with episodes of serious dormant (and doormat) sexual desire. Often co-occurs with instability in their relationships and vocational functioning.

Familial Pattern

No one really knows the how common this is in first degree biological relatives because no one really wants to talk about sex with their parents. That would be gross.

Prognosis

If Girly Syndrome lasts more than 5 years it is common for wives to seek sexual activity elsewhere or file for divorce. Divorce is especially prevalent if the man also is suffering from “I Don’t Want To Work Syndrome”.

Disclaimer: The above information is for diagnosis and entertainment purposes only and is intentionally written to piss off men..

[baklazanek]

[quote="socialdistortion"]MEN WITH GIRLY SYNDROME CRITERIA

Girly Syndrome- A pervasive and fictitious psychological disorder that I completely made up in which happily married men stop initiating sex and/or responding to sexual advances as indicated by five or more of the following:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagine sexual activity.

2. A pattern of unstable or intense lack of sexual interest characterized by extreme fits of acting like a frigid woman.

3. Pattern of obsession with meaningless activities other than their wives well being (e.g., excessive volunteering, extreme exercising, unwarranted gardening or spending long hours baking things that no one even wants to eat).

4. Men with such a disorder are often seen as increasingly annoying by their partners.

5. The man is viewed as less masculine, less protective and ultimately less desirable.

6. While initially tolerated, the wives of such men commonly become cognitively, behaviorally and physically disinterested in them.

7. The lack of sex is not caused by involvement with another woman, substance abuse or caused by other psychological disorders (although they would probably get diagnosed with many other disorders if they would get off their asses and go see a therapist).

Specific Culture, Age, and Gender Features

The pattern of behavior seen in Girly Disorder has been identified in many settings around the world. Typically occurs in men who are in their 40’s.

PrevalenceT

The prevalence of Girly Disorder is far more common than men would like to admit.

Course

There is considerable variability in the course of men with Girly Syndrome. The most common pattern is one of chronic sexual disinterest with episodes of serious dormant (and doormat) sexual desire. Often co-occurs with instability in their relationships and vocational functioning.

Familial Pattern

No one really knows the how common this is in first degree biological relatives because no one really wants to talk about sex with their parents. That would be gross.

Prognosis

If Girly Syndrome lasts more than 5 years it is common for wives to seek sexual activity elsewhere or file for divorce. Divorce is especially prevalent if the man also is suffering from “I Don’t Want To Work Syndrome”.

Disclaimer: The above information is for diagnosis and entertainment purposes only and is intentionally written to piss off men..[/quote

Thats true, girly syndrome is very common nowadays.

[girlyman]

So ladies, i am this husband, with the so called girly man syndrome. I am not exactly like some of the descriptions shared. I try very hard to make my wife feel loved and wanted, but I am terrible at it. My biggest issue is my initiation of sex. I suck at it and it is not really ever on my mind. Honestly, I probably could go a month without sex and be fine. But I don't want that and I know my wife does not want that. I do a lot around the house, errands wise, I do most of the grocery shopping and day to day cleaning. Yes I do get lost in some of my hobbies, mainly tech stuff. I was in the Army, I was a Type-A ish personality, a leader who has done everything for myself. Outside of intimacy we have a pretty good relationship. I just don't know how to fix this though. I have tried therapy and that didn't help that much. I need to find a new one however. We haven't even been married for a year and my wife is incredibly resentful and hurt. What do I do? How do I fix this?

[SilkOnFire Girl]

So ladies, i am this husband, with the so called girly man syndrome. I am not exactly like some of the descriptions shared. I try very hard to make my wife feel loved and wanted, but I am terrible at it. My biggest issue is my initiation of sex. I suck at it and it is not really ever on my mind. Honestly, I probably could go a month without sex and be fine. But I don't want that and I know my wife does not want that. I do a lot around the house, errands wise, I do most of the grocery shopping and day to day cleaning. Yes I do get lost in some of my hobbies, mainly tech stuff. I was in the Army, I was a Type-A ish personality, a leader who has done everything for myself. Outside of intimacy we have a pretty good relationship. I just don't know how to fix this though. I have tried therapy and that didn't help that much. I need to find a new one however. We haven't even been married for a year and my wife is incredibly resentful and hurt. What do I do? How do I fix this?

So I am curious....what attracted you initially to your wife? Why did you want to spend the rest of your life with her? What was there about her that you couldn't live without ...I am curious about this subject and am also wondering, was there ever a time that you desired sex with her...and did initiate it?

[ThunderHorse]

So ladies, i am this husband, with the so called girly man syndrome. I am not exactly like some of the descriptions shared. I try very hard to make my wife feel loved and wanted, but I am terrible at it. My biggest issue is my initiation of sex. I suck at it and it is not really ever on my mind. Honestly, I probably could go a month without sex and be fine. But I don't want that and I know my wife does not want that. I do a lot around the house, errands wise, I do most of the grocery shopping and day to day cleaning. Yes I do get lost in some of my hobbies, mainly tech stuff. I was in the Army, I was a Type-A ish personality, a leader who has done everything for myself. Outside of intimacy we have a pretty good relationship. I just don't know how to fix this though. I have tried therapy and that didn't help that much. I need to find a new one however. We haven't even been married for a year and my wife is incredibly resentful and hurt. What do I do? How do I fix this?

If you feel that you are not good at initiating sex, then perhaps you avoid the disappointment of what you expect to be an unsuccessful experience.

Can you visualize love making as occurring in stages? At which stages do you feel unsuccessful?

I view Love Making as Trial and Error. If something is not working for my wife, then I back off to an earlier stage, or give her a break for a few minutes, then re-approach.

How do you fail in Love making? How can you re-approach? How long does your wife need to feel a fresh start? My wife takes about 3 minutes. I have heard some women need a 7 Minute break, for re-starting.

What suggestions did your therapist have, that did not seem to work?

What about family planning?

Women like to feel desired. Approaching for sex, is a way to fulfill her needs to feel desired. So even if your approaches for sex sometimes, or often, are unsuccessful, the attempt still give your wife an ego boost. So, in that sense, there is no failure in an attempt to advance in the stages of making Love, even when experiencing a rejection.

In what ways does your wife not understand your stages of arousal? Many women feel that they should be the sole source of arousal for their husband. My wife often wears clothes to bed. I would prefer she come to bed nude. Some of the rejections I get from my wife is as we are going through our stages of playful and caressing, I get rejected in pulling off her panties, or pulling off her tank top. I re-approach after a break, and usually find success the second or third try.

Many women are more receptive at midnight, than at 10 PM. I like to be asleep at midnight, but I consciously re-arrange my sleep schedule to decrease the number of rejections I get.

I feel that your posting a response to this thread shows a willingness to change, and being willing to change gives your wife hope for the future. Willingness to change is usually a sign of strength

Are you able to get your wife to discuss her ideas on sex? Are you able to encourage your wife to express her random ideas 15 minutes per day?



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[justanotherguy]

First I'd like to focus on social distortions posts. These 2 posts sound like they were written by a person who is suffering from a disorder I like to call "spontaneous ignorant posting disorder." This is when a person finds pleasure in someone else's pain and makes random idiotic comments providing no useful information for the troubled poster and making fun of a man who for whatever reason (possible health issues) isn't fulfilling his wife's needs. Take your crap and shovel it somewhere else please!

To SongSparrow:
People say that it's a husband's job or a husband's duty to take care of his wife's needs...Yes I'm talking sexually...and no I agree in a way...

As a husband myself it is up to me to make sure my wife is well taken care of in that area. Is it my job, yes! Has it become "a job," hell no! This leads me to a few questions and please forgive me for being blunt with them...

1. When you do have sex is your husband able to get an erection?

2. If yes is he able to maintain the erection?

3. Does he get involved? (Go down on you. Try different positions. Try new things)

4. Does he kiss you during sex?

5. Does he talk during sex? (Ask if he's hurting you or "does that feel good?")

Please if you don't feel comfortable answering these questions by all means dont. I'm just trying to understand where he's at when it comes to the bedroom.

Want to help,
Justanotherguy

[ThunderHorse]

So ladies, i am this husband, with the so called girly man syndrome. I am not exactly like some of the descriptions shared. I try very hard to make my wife feel loved and wanted, but I am terrible at it. My biggest issue is my initiation of sex. I suck at it and it is not really ever on my mind. Honestly, I probably could go a month without sex and be fine. But I don't want that and I know my wife does not want that. I do a lot around the house, errands wise, I do most of the grocery shopping and day to day cleaning. Yes I do get lost in some of my hobbies, mainly tech stuff. I was in the Army, I was a Type-A ish personality, a leader who has done everything for myself. Outside of intimacy we have a pretty good relationship. I just don't know how to fix this though. I have tried therapy and that didn't help that much. I need to find a new one however. We haven't even been married for a year and my wife is incredibly resentful and hurt. What do I do? How do I fix this?

You do not give your wife any suggestions for her complaints. Your wife describes her complaint in terms as if you have some sort of character or mental disorder, and that she is perfect in every way.

I myself plan out times, when I am expecting my wife to be available for steps toward intimacy. I personally avoid artificial means of self-arousal, during times when I do not expect my wife to be available for receiving a massage.

In the past, my wife has gotten upset if she finds a Playboy magazine. So, out of consideration for my wife's feelings, I will sneak around between massage sessions, to engage in self-arousal. Now many women want to feel that the man should only want to think about her erotically. Sometimes my wife throws away my Playboy magazines. Has your wife been cordial about supplemental self-arousal, in the Love making process? Without supplemental self-arousal, I am not sure that my timing of approaching my wife, would be much different from yours.

I don't remember reading on this thread, the quotes of studies showing that male prostate health is improved if ejaculation occurs more than 5 times a week. Congratulations on cutting back on coffee. My proctologist got on my case about coffee. Apparently it is hard on the prostate. My doctor was OK with 1/2 a cup of coffee in the morning, and 1/2 cup at noon time.

I would encourage you to change your expressions of frustration, when your wife lets you down in one way or another. You can request improvements, in a polite manner. Marriage should be about avoiding losing your temper.

Happy Memorial Day. Thanks for your service to the Western World.

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