Why all the "Info" about how to get your wife to have sex?

Why all the "Info" about how to get your wife to have sex?

Postby Patrick717 » Tue Mar 13, 2012 10:53 am

So once again this morning I see another story about getting wives to have sex. (http://www.aol.com/video/youve-got-jenna-mccarthy/517300979/?icid=maing-grid7|maing11|video-module|sec1_lnk1|142879 last part of the video). I've got a question - what if having sex with your wife isn't even interesting?

A little history - she hit menopause about 10 years ago at 35. My testosterone levels crashed a couple of years ago when I started taking blood pressure medication that included a diuretic(sp?). We have both been on some form of hormone replacement for the past year or so. The HRT helped for a bit but now seems like a waste of time and money. For years now sex has been missing a lot. I don't think I have had an orgasm in a couple of years. At minimum for many months. Lately I've had trouble maintaining an erection during intercourse because it isn't exciting and quickly just gets frustrating. Viagra doesn't help at all if I'm not interested. I am still VERY attracted to women and have quite a few attractive women friends. I have actually thought about having sex with someone else but decided I would have trouble staying married if that sex turned out to be the least bit satisfying.

So what is the BS that seems to be pushed everywhere about women are always great at sex? Is it some left over from when women were young and had the figure that said they like sex and still enjoy it? From what I'm experiencing now this seems to be a sick joke. Listening to several recent conversations among several women friends I noticed that a frequent underlying opinion was that these women felt like sex with them was so great that their partners (men and women) would be motivated to do anything for them. Examples - "I like my boobs, they get me things." "Of course she cheated, her husband wasn't keeping her satisfied." "I want to find a man to help me have a baby and pay for raising it" said by a lesbian. "My ob/gyn said if I wanted a baby I need to be on the hunt for a man so I joined Match.com." Most of these were made during conversation that included me and my wife.

Since there have been some posts requesting what question the post was asking -
1) Are all women 'great at sex' as seems to be pushed by the media?
2) Is my current experience "normal"? Said another way, is this what we can all expect as we age?
3) How does Dr Scott's recommendation to continue to have sex during marital issues work here?
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Re: Why all the "Info" about how to get your wife to have se

Postby Scott Haltzman » Tue Mar 13, 2012 8:45 pm

Patrick, I didn't get a chance to see the video yet.
Good questions.
I'll take a stab at your second and third questions.
Studies show that at younger age, men tend to have sex automatically, that is to say, the moment there's a naked body in the room, they can get aroused. As an extension of this, I can imagine that many women may be left to feel a kind of "power' over men, and I think a lot of men wouldn't disagree. As I point out in the Happily Married Men book, the person with the lower sex drive in a relationship has much of the power.
You raise good questions about women's perceptions of their sexual prowess, but I think the reality is that often sex among long-married couples isn't that tantric orgasm-mania that they might expect. Couples have to work harder at making it exciting (sometimes) by using props, watching porn (together), or using fantasy games. But theres still room for comfortable sex (like good meatloaf) every now and then. That's the key to the issue, that the level of comfort that couples feel when they are with each other sexually is best when you're married and going to stay married.
I'd be a fool to argue that sex with a complete stranger might not be incredibly exciting. But high-pitched arousal is only one aspect of sex, intimacy is another. Because you choose to marry, you choose to give up the right to sex with that stranger. I would argue that you get a lot in return (much of which you take for granted.)
Scott Haltzman
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Re: Why all the "Info" about how to get your wife to have se

Postby Patrick717 » Thu Mar 15, 2012 3:39 pm

Thanks for the reply. I am definitely searching for a path at the moment and any info is useful. I don't think I am taking her for granted but I definitely feel taken for granted. I also want to point out that I THOUGHT about an affair and decided against it.

I am well aware of the changes in me (and probably most men) between younger days and my current age. I would suspect that mine is not all that unusual. And while I might wish for that "that tantric orgasm-mania" sex, I don't expect it. But I would like some feeling of closeness and intimacy that seems to be dead and gone. You can read some of my other posts where I have touched on them. I think what really got to me and caused me to post such a rant is this constant bombardment that all sex is good and sex with any woman at any time is good. Maybe when you are a teenager it is, but those days are long behind me.

These days I would be happy with feeling loved and desired. Instead I'm feeling that sex is all about trying to control me. I can completely understand if she says she doesn't want to because she is tired, upset, headache, etc. I can understand when she says she doesn't want to without giving a reason - she just isn't in the mood right now. I can even accept / appreciate when she wants to use sex as a reward. But once I started getting the feeling that she only want to have sex against me (as means of control over me) - I wasn't interested in sex anymore. I got very little positive out of it. When that went on months / years, I started questioning what our relationship had become. Now she thinks she is the 'sex starved spouse' ( I got the book and we both read it). I guess I should have expected this to happen. Her mother yell across a room full of guests "husband, take out the trash". Then if he doesn't respond fast enough "husband, do you like sex?" It is all I can do to not answer for him "he is to nice to say anything, but if I were him I would say 'not under these conditions'".

I still have a lot of thinking and sorting out to do. I haven't found a therapist that I think is worth seeing. I will spend some time on that next week.
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Re: Why all the "Info" about how to get your wife to have se

Postby Patrick717 » Thu Mar 29, 2012 4:21 pm

So I ordered a bunch of books off of Amazon about 'what do women want', 'the female orgasm', 'sexual healing', 'rebuilding sexual relationships', etc. When they arrived I piled them next to my side of the bed and started reading them. She noticed and is also reading some of them. She commented that were a lot of books on making people come. I said "not people - you. Its like I don't even know you anymore. What you used to like you don't seem to anymore and at some point when were are trying to have sex you act like you just don't enjoy sex with me anymore." This started the discussion as to what is going on with our relationship. I summarized a lot of the issues I have posted here - and more. She got mad that 'I could even think that she was thinking such things'. I recalled some of the specific conversations and actions that led me to arrive at those conclusions. She said she understood how I could arrive there but that I was clearly wrong in thinking that way. :roll:

She did tell me that there were specific things she enjoyed and how I could make her happier when we were having sex. So we tried some of them that night. She seemed happier. Now I am waiting to see if her new found happiness does anything for our relationship. And I will keep trying them.

In the mean time I have met with one therapist. Somehow I don't think the gay guy is going to help me understand the female psyche as much as I hoped. I meet with a woman therapist tomorrow. I'm hopeful on several fronts.
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Re: Why all the "Info" about how to get your wife to have se

Postby JMT » Thu Jun 07, 2012 3:25 pm

"So once again this morning I see another story about getting wives to have sex. I've got a question - what if having sex with your wife isn't even interesting?"

:D having sex with your wife or significant other should always be interesting no matter what age 8) Ive been married 19 years im over 35 have 2 kids and still very interested each time im with my husband. but i can say one thing men dont realise that sex for us could also be boring someone needs to take the initiative to spice things a little! :D
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