Suspicious & Controlling Wife

Suspicious & Controlling Wife

Postby batterhub » Sat May 05, 2012 11:15 am

My marriage is 13 year old. My wife started her controlling behavior right from the day we got engaged - she wanted me to quit drinking. I promised her I would (which was a mistake - because I was setting a precedent without realizing it). After marriage she would occasionally throw tantrums forcing me to comply to her ridiculous demands (otherwise face consequences like she would go away, she would call my friends and embarrass me(She would make note all phone numbers from my phone address book), visit me at my office and create a scene there etc.) but I was giving in to her demands (which again was a mistake again, I admit). These are her wishes:

1. I'm not supposed to have lasting friendships or working relationships
2. I'm not supposed to be friendly with any woman (not even her sister or my sister, early in marriage she wanted me to forever forget my parents as well)
3. I'm not supposed to drink or have certain types of food (i don't have a drinking problem or am otherwise unhealthy)
4. I'm not supposed to have any woman friends on facebook - whereas she has her old male friends from her school days

We have twin daughters who are 11 year old now. If I fail to satisfy her demands, she will take my kids away - this is a viable threat or so she realized. I can't possibly let her take my daughters away, so I continue to give in to her. She has trampled on my dignity several times as she started involving my daughters into her modus operandi - they are urging me to do as their mother says to avoid unpleasant fights at home - exactly what my wife wants. Kids feel insecure about my relationship with their mother because they loose their sense of security and they loose me (or so they fear) for they love me.

What do I do?
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Re: Suspicious & Controlling Wife

Postby Patrick717 » Mon May 07, 2012 4:14 pm

You are going to have to find your NUTs (Non-negotiable, Unalterable Terms). There is a book by Wayne Levine named "Hold on to Your NUTs". Rather than try to go thru it all here - read the book.

You will have to make a stand. Make sure you know what you are willing to compromise and what you are NOT willing to compromise. Once you have that in mind you can figure out what to do. Until then, she will push you anywhere and everywhere just to see how far she can push you. Good luck.
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Re: Suspicious & Controlling Wife

Postby The Renegade » Wed May 16, 2012 11:28 pm

As it looks, you're in for a rough ride. Here's what you definitely need to do:

- Stay calm and relaxed with whatever you face with her. That does not mean you bow down to her. You're calm from a superior position. Let her throw things around, let her try to embarrass you. Look into her eyes when she does it, but say nothing. She will soon sense that she is making a fool out of herself and that she is coming off as the bitchy wife - not what she likes, I guess.

- Be with your daughters, play with your daughters, spend time with them (also, especially, without her). Zoo, Park, Movies,... Demonstrate to her that it would hurt your daughters more than you if she would take them away from you. Let her know that you give your kids the freedom to decide on their own anytime if they love you or not. They just happen to do, because you're such a great father.

- Have friendships and working relationships, interact with other women, have a drink and any food you like and facebook friends - anyway! And be unaffected by her reactions.

- And demonstrate to her that YOU are the one ready to walk out of the relationship at any time, should that be required. This does not mean you do it, but you are ready to do it anytime. The choice (and the power) is not hers alone.
The Renegade
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Re: Suspicious & Controlling Wife

Postby socialdistortion » Thu May 17, 2012 8:31 pm

Dear TheRenegade,

I just read your advice to Batterhub. One question. Are you a divorce lawyer? Are you serious? (ok, 2 questions).

Social Distortion
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Re: Suspicious & Controlling Wife

Postby socialdistortion » Wed May 23, 2012 1:00 pm

Dear TheRenegade,

I apologize if my response sounded a bit passive-aggressive. While I think your response was well thought out (especially the part on spending time with his daughters), I have an alternate opinion on the solution. If what Batterhub claims about his wife is accurate and not based on his previous indiscretions, one less confrontational solution would be to work on his wife’s overall self esteem issues and try to make her more confident in herself and her relationship.

Passive, but non-aggressively yours,

Social D.
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Re: Suspicious & Controlling Wife

Postby mslearn » Thu Aug 09, 2012 12:31 pm

I am also having the same issue. And yes ignoring them when they behave in non acceptable maner, But keep pour your love on them will chenage them, over a period of time. We have to learn how to handle the emotional black mails.

Best of luck.
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Joined: Thu Aug 09, 2012 12:06 pm

Re: Suspicious & Controlling Wife

Postby MrAngel52715 » Thu Sep 13, 2012 9:13 pm

For everyone out there, please keep in mind that Facebook leads to cheating and the end of relationships everyday. Is there any way Facebook is worth losing your relationship? The answer is NO. It happened to me once and it was one of the biggest losses of my life. I "friended" women and chatted- thought of it mostly as just "playful" flirty chat. However my girlfriend saw some things one day when I left my computer on. Let's just say I was in the wrong but it didn't seem so wrong until SHE found out, and she left me. I didn't realize how crushed I was until she was gone and I tried everything to get her back. She was, beautiful, fun, and best of all she showed how much she loved ME everyday in so many ways. It was real and it was genuine. I thought she would be my wife and I lost a lot. I feel like an idiot because she asked me to defriend girls from my past. I should have. They are in my past for a reason-they were never as good as her. Both of you should defriend anyone who the other one is not comfortable with.(Unless it's family-that's just crazy) Facebook is worthless but lost love is ever lasting it seems. I wish I could go back and remove the temptations that led to the demise of my only true love. Anyone have any advice on how to get her to forgive me? I've tried a lot, but I'll never give up.
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Re: Suspicious & Controlling Wife

Postby smac » Mon Dec 03, 2012 11:59 pm

According to what you have posted your wife is controlling, demanding, and very short tempered. You also say she threatens to take your children away from you if you don’t meet all of her demands. And in fact your wife has shown up to your place of employment and caused a scene because you did not meet her demands and expectations. And if I read this correctly you said this began early on in your engagement but has proceeded to get worse over your 13 years of marriage and now you don’t know how to handle the situation or your wife’s uncontrollable behavior.
In Dr. Scott’s book ‘Secrets of Happily Married Men’ there is a section that describes ways to win your wife’s heart and the second way is to know your wife. “If something works for me, it must work for my wife, right? Wrong. It’s likely that your wife and you see practically everything differently. Here’s where your job skills come in handy. To understand the way to your wife’s heart, you must first learn what makes her tick. A bouquet of flowers may not mean much to you, so it may seem like a colossal waste of money to send them. But that’s not the way your wife sees it. To you, working late might be your ay of saying ‘I love you and take care of you.’ To her, it might mean you don’t care about the relationship. If you learn how she views the world, and learn to see things through her eyes, you’ll understand what actions you must take to affect her in a positive way.”
Possibly if you try and understand where your wife’s insecurities originate from and her controlling behavior you might be able to talk to her and explain to her that she doesn't have to worry or fear about you doing certain behaviors. She may think that she’s trying to change you for the better, and doesn't realize that she’s really just being over-controlling. Maybe she see’s using your children as motivation to change as a positive thing and not a life altering threat. Try and see where she’s coming from and maybe it will give some perspective on the situation.
However, your wife seems to be taking things to the extreme and creating an unhealthy environment for your daughters. No child should witness their parents fighting or have a fear of losing contact with a parent. This can severely hurt the child emotionally and psychologically. It seems your wife has some own personal insecurities and that’s why she’s trying to control you so much, maybe you should suggest that she should go see a therapist to talk about what’s on her mind and to see why she is so compulsively controlling and aggressive. She may react harshly towards you referring her to psychiatric help but for your marriage and your children it seems necessary. Once your wife solves what is wrong with herself she might stop trying to control you so much. Also, never let your wife take your daughters away because she really can’t do that especially if they are old enough to express their concerns they can easily say that they still want to maintain contact with you. Don’t let her threats push you to give in to her demands.
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