DrScott.com

After having read many posts on this board (and others) and lived with my own situation, I have a theory and a question. It is starting to appear to me that once a person starts to 'use sex against their partner', the whole relationship starts a tailspin that is hard to reverse. What do I mean by 'use sex against their partner"? That would be to use sex to 'control' the other person - whether it is to withold sex until certain conditions are met or reward some action with sex. It appears to me to be the opposite side of the same issue. One person has decided that sex is how they can 'control' the other person. Unfortunately, it doesn't even have to actually happen this way, only one person feels like it is or has happened.

When the 'controlled person' recognizes this is happening they will take some action. Respond verbally, respond harshly, live with it for a while, seek counciling, seek sex elsewhere, etc. But no matter what they do they are likely to feel that their relationship has been badly damaged. At this point, the relationship appears to me to have started a downward spiral. If something effective is not done, this will be the beginning of the end of the relationship.

So my question is - what can be done to turn the relationship around? Anybody got something they would recommend?

So before you start down this road (using sex against your partner) - know this. It looks like it will be the end of at least one marriage. I have lost trust and respect for her. And from the lack of responses, it looks like no one has any suggestions either. The therapist I'm seeing only had one suggestion - concentrate on the things I like and try to ignore the things I don't like. That isn't doing much to solve the problem or build trust.