how am I supposed to act when separated

how am I supposed to act when separated

Postby treeman1 » Sat Sep 08, 2012 5:01 pm

please bare with me I am new to this. I am newly separated from my wife and 7 children. I love each 1 of them and her immensely but have obviously failed in some way knowing that she hasn't been happy for sometime I recently asked her if my moving out would do that make her happy and she said yes. she says that she has not been happy for 7 years but she doesn't seem to give me a specific things that cause that. I have never been unfaithful or abusive. I don't drink and we have been faithful in church since we got married in 89. she says that she wants things to change but won't specifically tell me what it is she wants me to change. we are supposed to meet for now every Monday to talk and possibly get to know each other and work this out. our pastor insisted we need counseling but after reading the first part of the secrets of happily married men don't know if that's such a good idea. I love my wife greatly and want to be reconciled to her. I don't want to be mean but should I while separated not call often and avoid seeing her for awhile and should I avoid intimacy or at least initiating for awhile although to be honest I dont know how she would respond. I get the impression it she just wants to be angry and not forgive me for whatever it is that I have done should I just give her some space avoid intimacy and leave her alone for a while thank you for any advice and if there's a place in Mister Haltzman's book that might help please mention in thank you again.
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Re: how am I supposed to act when separated

Postby ThunderHorse » Sat Nov 17, 2012 5:50 pm

Maybe she does want to be angry.

Maybe your wife feels she does not want to risk having more children. Have you thought about having a vascetomy?

But if your wife just wants to express her frustration, then what she says in frustration, may not be related to what will actually please her.

There are two chapters in the Men's Happiness book, on Listening. Under Commuinications, there is a thread on "Listening Strategies for Men" and another thread, "My Wife is Hyper Critical, Please Help" and other threads on compliments.

I suggest you help your wife with listening to her 15 Min per day. I suspect that she would appreciate your moving back into the house to help with the kids. Maybe just hang around the house more, and see if she seriously complains.

You did not give a lot of information, so my suggestions may be unworkable, so post back.

Just because a wife in angry, does not mean she does not need to vent and talk. When a wife is angry, that is the time when a husband's listening skills are important. That is not a time to move out, but she probably is too angry to think about it..

Maybe make a list of what will be helpful for your to do with each of your 7 children, and confirm with your wife that each activity would be helpful for that child, and then ask her which is most important for each child. There are all kinds of videos on parenting. Can you get her to take 5 Minutes and watch a parenting video together? Maybe start small college savings for each child, so that your wife gets the idea that your income will be important in the future.

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Re: how am I supposed to act when separated

Postby joe0743 » Sun Nov 18, 2012 1:19 am

You are in a very delicate situation. I would first say try having a heart to heart, If you are already separated.... I hate to tell you but space and very little communication is what is needed. Many may disagree with me, however before I re-married the 2nd time I dated a lot and found one major thing in common with women they want a challenge, a confident man who can tell her he loves her, but can live without her. Ask any single guy who has dated a lot and they will tell you the same thing, not saying to mean in anyway, however show her you have a life without her. I hope you get the point... ok now here's the hard part be prepared that she might be done with the relationship. Here's a way to find out, only contact her if you have no other option. Do this for 2 to 3 weeks and watch her contact you. I know this sounds like a game, but please believe me women all play it. Again don't take my word for it ask other men who have dated a lot.

Good luck
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Re: how am I supposed to act when separated

Postby rvware » Tue Nov 27, 2012 12:18 pm

So you and your wife have been together for 22 years and have seven children together but have recently separated. All thought you have communication sometimes it is not the best, you stated that you have asked her what she would want to change in your marriage and she would not give you a direct response. You now meet once a week to rediscover what it is that once made you happy in your marriage and what made you happy about each other.

In Dr. Scotts book Secrets of Happily Married Men his 8th step is “introduce yourself.” He says to “ take a good look at yourself are you the kind of guy your wife would want to know? And to help your wife learn who you are, what makes you tick and how she can make you happy. Help her see the world through your eyes. You wont end up convincing her your right, but you can help her learn.” According to my notes you have to take active steps to improve your relationship and not neglect your marriage.

In your case, it looks like you are really trying to improve you marriage, by giving your wife what she is asking for, you moving out and also seeking out advice from your pastor. But my question is, is that what you wanted, did you want to move out ? marriage is about finding a balance, and if you both are not ready to put in the same about of effort then maybe you need to wait until your wife wants to put forth the same about of effort to regain the trust and intimacy and communication needed to make a marriage work . it can not be a one sided race, you need to walk through it together and hopefully come out together at the other end.

If you truly wish to rekindle your marriage I would recommend reading Dr. Scotts book and to get to know yourself. And also aim to please, this is Dr. Scotts 6ths step, most people treat strangers better than they do loved ones, he says “ if you treat someone well they will think more highly of you and will treat you better in return.” I hope that together you can rediscover the love and commitment that once made you happy.
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Re: how am I supposed to act when separated

Postby psych1983 » Thu Dec 12, 2013 9:46 am

Being in an unhappy marriage can be confusing, stressful,and very painful. I hear your concern. You feel you are trying to do whats right, but yet everything still doesn't feel right. Sometimes space is what one can need, especially with there is no clarity to your feelings or emotions. Does your wife still loves you? or is she in love with you? What can you really say has changed in the 2 years you've been married? I bet those are the questions your trying to understand.
Author Robert Sternberg came up with the 3 main points to love; Intimacy, Passion, and Commitment. There is an innate desire to have those three components within a relationship to hold on to a strong marriage. Dr.Scott Haltzman wrote a book called," The Secrets of Surviving Infidelity". In the book Dr. Haltzman validates each person's feelings and puts them into perspective, offering sound advice on how to recover their equilibrium and reestablish a committed, trust-filled relationship. This is what your looking for. Intimacy, filling desired, trusting your love one. Are the feelings returned? There will be a point were you will have to figure if your wife wants this marriage to works as well. It takes two, one can not carrying the load alone.
I myself have felt the lost of someone's desire at one point in my life. I will admit initially it was hard to consume, but eventually it allowed me to look within myself an see what I was lacking in respect within my on self- respect. Seeing within and allowing myself to feel loved by those who chose to love me aloud me to rebuild my confidence in finding true love myself. Intimacy, Loyalty, Commitment and Honesty is what I took from reading Dr. Scott books. It allowed me to understand what it truly means to love oneself as well as another.
You are a good person, because regardless of the fact you still care. Which shows compassion and loyalty on your side. As for as your wife, I would continue to give her the space she needs, but try to live your life too. Do not let the lack of enjoyment in these circumstances to effect your livelihood. Be a great father to your kids, and try your best to not allow any differences between your wife to affect your relationship with them. I hope I have been of some help to you and I wish you the best of luck!
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