Wife want's to not have sex so we can focus on our marriage.

Re: Wife want's to not have sex so we can focus on our marri

Postby needing direction » Thu Dec 06, 2012 9:10 am

ThunderHorse,

I had typed out a response to you earlier in the week, then had my computer clitch and I didn't get to send it. So after that happened I got frustrated and stepped away, then got busy with work. In my response, it was to say how much I appreciate your advise. I generally don't ask questions that I don't want the answer to no matter how hard it may be to take. When I post my comments or questions, I am hoping you have taken the time to read and may want to respond. Although your answering my question some times leads me to more questions, but I really want to learn how to be a better husband and father. Whether I can be a better husband in this marriage or not I have to do better.

I also get the foreplay stuff that you talk about but right now I just don't think I should try to be intimate with the way things are going.
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Re: Wife want's to not have sex so we can focus on our marri

Postby needing direction » Thu Dec 06, 2012 2:15 pm

Dr. Scott,

I don't want it to sound like I'm being vindictive, or petty, but if she wants me to move on and she wants to separate and says I can stay through my daughters bed time for my daughter. Then I see my role as being there for our daughter and nothing else.

I know you can't give advise and every one is different.... But have you handled situations like this before? Once a wife has checked out of a marriage mentally can they check back in? Is there anything I can do to help that? If she is saying that she doesn't know that this will make her happy but wants to try separation anyway (I feel it will be used as a vehicle toward divorce). Is this a midlife crisis of some sort and she truly feels lost and doesn't know what to do? She even admitted that she knows that the relationship with the guy from AZ would never work, for various reasons.

She also said that she wants to figure things out and one of those things is why she doesn't feel the need to apologize for what she has done. She said she is taking that as a sign. I know she is telling me to walk away, but I feel we are worth fighting for and finding "walking away" to be very difficult.

I also realize I have asked quite a few questions and my thoughts may be all over the place. And that's because I am all over the place......
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Re: Wife want's to not have sex so we can focus on our marri

Postby Scott Haltzman » Thu Dec 06, 2012 7:18 pm

Needing, I didn't mean to imply that your post suggested you WERE being mean or vindictive. Sorry for the miscommunication. In fact, your post should like you were being level headed and gracious (as much as you can be).
People can pull it back together when one partner pulls away. One piece of advice is to be the kind of man any woman would be a fool to walk away from. Not necessarily one who does everything for her, but one who is strong, proud, interesting, and capable. Build a good life for yourself, surround yourself with good friends, find engaging things to do that won't make you have to focus on her decisions. With her in the same house or not, she will appreciate that you offer her something she won't get from any other man. -Scott
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Re: Wife want's to not have sex so we can focus on our marri

Postby socialdistortion » Thu Dec 06, 2012 9:13 pm

Dear Needing Direction,

No. Don’t do less, do more. Don’t fail on her when she seems so confused. If you do less it will likely reinforce her feelings to leave the marriage (what does she have to lose?). Nothing is more unattractive than a man who does not do his share. I adamantly and strongly advise you to stick around. There is still hope if you still sleep in the same bed and you still love her. Don’t leave until it is obvious that you repulse her. Don’t try to teach her a lesson right now. You will be the one learning the lesson.

You are definitely losing her, but you have not lost her yet.

Social Distortion
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Re: Wife want's to not have sex so we can focus on our marri

Postby needing direction » Thu Dec 06, 2012 9:31 pm

Dr. Scott,

I'm trying to be strong, and not sit around and sulk. I have let this affect my sleep, my work, and probably anything else that pertains to my life. But I want to be past this, not give up but be past THIS.... The not knowing is what kills me. Your comments are always perfect and spot on. They don't answer my questions per say but they get me thinking so I can answer them myself.

I do have another question, do you feel the 180 degrees divorce busting plan works. If so how should one implement it but not be disrespectful? I have been trying it, and when I don't start conversations as I used to, or if I just answer her questions and give nothing more. She claims that I am being rude and disrespectful to her. So I'm not sure if I'm doing it right.
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Re: Wife want's to not have sex so we can focus on our marri

Postby ThunderHorse » Sat Dec 08, 2012 3:23 am

To Needing Direction:

Constructive Desertion is defined differently in different jursicticons, and differently in different courtrooms in the same jurisdiction. You can search "Constructive Desertion" on the internet.

You can open your own checking account, and have your paycheck deposited to your new checking account, and the make deposits to your joint checking account, as needed. It may be important to be sure your wife is not signing checks from your new account. You should probably get legal advise as to how to set up savings, for if/when conflicts about money increase.

Part of getting a wife back, is gaining respect from your wife, by exerting your power to protect your self-interests. If your wife is not sufficiently interested in her marriage to you, then you need to look forward to your future obligations. You may get married to a woman who has children, who does not get along with your daughter. You will have obligations to your new wife and her children. One of the advantages of your wife coming back to her marriage to you, is that your loyalties to your daughter will be maintained. Conversely, your wife now needs to understand that she is cutting, or diminishing, your ties/obligations to her daughter, and you need to be sure that your wife understands the full consequences of her actions.

Your wife does not seem to have the idea that the court may order the family home sold. There are some professional looking signs you can buy, "For Sale By Owner" You can have a very high asking price, if anyone asks to buy the house.

Can you afford to have a safe deposit box or a storage loacker outside the home?

Unfortunately, to let your wife realize the full consequences of her actions, you need to appear a little selfish. You need to be ready to smoothly handle, and expalin that your future wife may not allow you to spend time or money on your daughter. What about your wife's living relatives? Your wife must have some circle of friends who are encouraging your wife to disrespect her marriage to you. Can you keep good relations with those relatives who seem to support her marriage to you?

I will stop giving you ideas on foreplay, for now.

The more ways you can demonstrate your powers, the More 180 Degree Divorce Busters, and the more of an afrodesiac for your wife.


//
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Re: Wife want's to not have sex so we can focus on our marri

Postby ThunderHorse » Sat Dec 08, 2012 2:19 pm

To Needing Direction,

For constructive desertion, and it appearing you coule be headed for divorce court, it will be stronger for you to have witnesses. So far, it seems to be private converations between your wife and yourself. You need to keep a journal with dates and times. You need an independent witness who can at least verify that the entries you are making in the journal, and contemporaneous. Most divorce cases settle out-of-court, but they settle based on the strangth of your evidence. Do you have any legal plans that would give you access to a lawyer, who can advise on at least how to gather witnesses and document events? What bars and restaurants is she frequenting? Have you written down the names and contact information for her hair dressers names?

This is tough to get a frame of mind, so that your wife can be held emotionally accountable for the future care of your daughter, when you are apparently a good, caring father. It is natural for you to feel like stepping in, to help with your daughter's after school activities. How can you structure your participation and feelings, to still make your wife responsible for your daughter's care?

There may be some support groups that may help you through this tough time. It may be that your wife is drinking more than you realize, and that the principles and suport of Al-Anon might be helpful.

Posting in a supportive forum may also help you think through how to structure the situation. Having a counselor to whom you confide your troubles, occasinally, who is willing to testify in court, as an impartial witness, or provide depostition testimony, may be another step to start earlier, rather than later. I raise the questions for your consideration.



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Re: Wife want's to not have sex so we can focus on our marri

Postby ThunderHorse » Sat Dec 08, 2012 5:09 pm

To Needing Direction:

If your wife is criticizing you for being rude and disrespectul, when you are not saying anything, may be your wife picking up on your vibrations. so try to give her pleasant loving vibes.

It could b e your wife is tasting you wit criticism, and you need to apply a Boring sing-song repsonse.

Is there any way she might feel you are being rude?

The purpose of plan "B" is to protect your love for your wife, when her behaviour is constructive desertion. It could be best for you to move out, till she is ready to be married again. Let her know that you are ready to move back in again, whenever she wants to stop being out of the house apparently to party. How much would it cost to rent a cheap room nearby?


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Re: Wife want's to not have sex so we can focus on our marri

Postby ThunderHorse » Sat Dec 08, 2012 6:17 pm

To Needing Direction,

180 Degree Divorce Busters is not about sulking.

180 degrees is about being neutral, and doing something different.

Instead of wearing your work boots home from work, change to sneakers at work.

Instead of wearing sneakers home, take Dress Shoes to work,

Instead of wearing yrou uniform home, change to slacks and a sport jacket.

Instead of wearing a sport jacket, wear a suit and tie.

instead of wearing a conservative color tie, wear art deco.

Instead of wearing a baseball cap, wear a different sports cap.

instead of wearing a cap, wear a dress hat, maybe with a feather.

Instead of shining your shoes one a month, shine them weekly.

Pick up-something different to wear at the Salvation Army or Thrift store.

It is not about spending,money, it is about changing your image.

Maybe offer to accompany your wife to the store, still wearing your suit.

Maybe offer to attend a prayer group in the evening.


//
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Re: Wife want's to not have sex so we can focus on our marri

Postby ThunderHorse » Fri Dec 21, 2012 2:13 am

To Needing Direction:

Hope you are finding peace. Wish I had had some actual advice for you, rather than giving you ranges of contradictory marriage principles.

I have lately noticed I can get my wife to vent while she is watching TV. Ihad a project to do when I got home, and after I got that done, I approached for listening, while she was watching TV. Maybe my wife watches TV as a back ground concept. She then talked to me for my 15 minute listening session, while still having he TV on.


..
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