Wife moved out to sisters for unknowd peroid of time

Wife moved out to sisters for unknowd peroid of time

Postby littlespoon » Sat Feb 16, 2013 1:01 pm

Let me start by saying that I am new to this forum and ask for everyone's patience.

I have been married for just over a year now to a woman I have known for 8 years. I love her immensely.
We were married just a short time before our daughter was born, she is 1 now.

Over the past month we have been somewhat at each others throats just not really getting along.
We have a lot of stress relating to money and starting a business venture.
I have a lot to learn about conflict resolution and marriage in general but that is not my current prime issue.

On Tuesday she told me she would be staying at her sisters for a "while" and I felt as though it was sort of unprecedented.
So she is still there now but has been bringing our daughter over to be "babysat" which I am glad about.

Thursday was valentines day and I felt that if I did nothing for her she would be mad and it would be awkward to do something.

So I went out and got her flowers and something special and left it on the kitchen counter so she would see it without me being pushy.
Well she rejected the offering as I had thought she might.

But what blew me away was that she said to me that I was obviously in the wrong because, her words were "Do you realize you raped me"?
Now I hope to avoid all the obvious stereotypes by explaining the situation she was referring to and a little history.

I was almost asleep when she approached me and started to undress me with the intent to have sex.
We started and I made her orgasm with my fingers, at which point I indicated I wanted to try anal.
we have been experimenting with anal for a few months now but have not gone to far with it. although she quite often tells me she wants to have anal sex and then just lets my get inside of her and then fingers herself.
On this night I got further inside of her and started to repeatedly penetrate her. she flinched in pain a few times and did in fact tell me to stop twice but I took that to mean stop moving for the moment, normally when she feels uncomfortable proceeding she is very direct in her assertion for me to stop.

We are quite adventurous in bed but as of yet have not gotten into the practice of using a safe word, as I mentioned she normally is quite direct for me to stop and I always respect that. she and I have on many occasions engaged in a rape type fantasy but never ever anything to real, and I know she does not like pain so I would never hurt her.

I feel as though this stems more from our inability to relate lately than her actually believing I raped her.

I don't know how I would live with myself if I truly could be considered a rapist, spousal rape is terrible, she even said I should get help in this area, though I really don't feel it is an ongoing problem or at least I can't imagine it has been. she is normally more adventurous than me.

But it is of course a very sensitive issue, and if she truly feels that I raped her I feel horrified that I could hurt her emotionally in that way.

I feel that her feeling in this matter is the reality of it, if she believes that than it is true. I just feel sick, I don't want to lose my wife she is beautiful, intelligent and I love being with her. not to mention our daughter and all of the time we have been together. I am really just at my wits end she is being civil but almost too much so I feel more disconnected from her than ever in my life. I don't want to loose my wife.

I Just hope someone has some advice and I hope that she is not already lost.

thank you for any time spent in my aid.
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Re: Wife moved out to sisters for unknowd peroid of time

Postby ThunderHorse » Tue Feb 19, 2013 6:02 pm

It does not sound like you have develped good listening/vent encouraging skills. There are two chapters in the Husband's Secrets book on Listening skills. If you are reasoning and discussing issues with your wife, you are expressing your opinions, and that is not listening for venting. Most women need to vent 15 Minutes per day. You should present your ideas, at a liesure time, in a calm, polite manner, not as retorts to her ideas. You wife needs to express her ideas, to think things out. If you are worried about what your wife says, whether exaggerated or accurate, your objective is to get her to vent. The more exaggerated her ideas, the better job you are doing at encouraging her to vent.

What are the options for decreasing the stress about starting a business? What was wrong with the job you had?

Under Communications, there is a thread, Listening Strategies for Men.


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Re: Wife moved out to sisters for unknowd peroid of time

Postby BGB » Thu May 23, 2013 10:29 am

Wow, this is a doozy...I think you have a LOT going on here and I get you are very worried and upset.

I'm going to choose to believe what you wrote here and give you the benefit of the doubt that it was a mis-communication...and having said that, IMO you need to validate her emotions and not argue with her or try and prove her wrong.

You may try something like:

"Honey, I want you to know that I am incredibly sorry beyond belief about what happened the last time we had sex. It was never my intent nor would it ever be to hurt you or do anything against your will. I understand the seriousness of this and I am taking it VERY seriously. Whatever I can do to correct this situation, I am willing to do.
Again, I am very sorry if anything I did hurt you, scared you or left you feeling like I was doing something that you didn't want to do."

And then you do whatever it is she wants you to do...be it go for counselling or whatever.

The reality is, if you want to be with this woman, you need to show her that you will do whatever it takes to create a safe and supportive environment, take what she has to say seriously and put your money where you mouth is for the relationship.

Now if she makes a habit of these types of accusations and starts using things like this over and over to get her way, that's a whole other ballgame.

I don't believe you will get anywhere with the rest of the issues you guys have going on till you address this. And I get that this might be an overreaction her part and the short answer to that right now is: so what.
She needs to know that you respect her, listen to what she has to say and are willing to validate and acknowledge her feelings.

It's actually a lot of the same answers to the other issues you have going on so this could go a long way to helping with them too.

That's what I have for you, good luck.
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