Wife's weight

Wife's weight

Postby dan422 » Mon Feb 26, 2007 11:00 pm

Before our marriage my wife was slim and took care of herself. Pretty soon after the wedding she was eating more and excersizing less and less. She would talk about dieting but get cranky and never stick with it for more than a few days. By the second year, she pretty much gave up and by the third year she was over 200 pounds and saying things like, "this is the way I was meant to be" and "it's in my genes/I love to eat/it's what's inside that counts," etc.

Well, now it's 7 years later and she's probably in the 260-280 range... no scale in our house, of course :lol: ... double her weight from when we met. I know you get married for better or worse, and I do love her as much as ever, but has anyone else had to deal with something like this? The few times I've mentioned something about her weight (not in the last couple of years) I get the silent treatment and nothing changes. It's hard to get up for sex when I see her huge belly swaying back and forth as she walks. :shock:
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Postby ThunderHorse » Thu Mar 01, 2007 6:36 am

Dear Dan 422,

I am personally a husband who is overweight. In the last 4 months, I have been exercising more. I have not lost weight, yet. I started riding an electric exercise bicycle. Started at 10 minutes, now up to 35 minutes comfortably. I try to exercise every other day, but hold off if I am tired or otherwise not feeling perky. I have been averaging 10 times a month.

There is an increased risk of diabetes with overweight people who do not exercise. Dieting puts a stress on the body. I feel that a first step to losing weight is to build up the cardiovascular system. Aerobic exercise does not start until the 20 Minutes of fairly continuous elevated herart rate. Is there a gym nearby? Is there a used exercise equipment store someplace? Have you spken to your wife about exercise?

I bought some hand weights, to swing while I walk, to raise my heart rate. Is there a time that your wife might walk with you? Sometimes I jog and walk, to keep my heart rate up, for good aerobic exercise.

Are there some healthy foods she likes to eat? There are frozen dinners that are for losing weight. I keep some on hand, and try to use lean foods as the first, main part of my eating. What is in your freezer? Can you find a certain space for diet dinners?

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Postby tknochld » Sun Mar 11, 2007 7:42 pm

Invite her to come work out with You. Show her Your work out plan and express how you would enjoy her company working out along side you. Tell her that you feel out of shape and would like her with you to motivate you. Mention that you read something in a Health Magazine or something while at a doctor's appointment that couples in your age group should <input athletic activity here> to help trim down on stress and weight, while building or strengthening a bond between couples.

Even though she is overweight, and people know it when they are, most don't really enjoy the truth of it. Not everyone truly enjoys the pain of exercising, so you gotta put a positive spin on it and make it fun or something.

Dieting isn't really that big of a deal, it is more Menu Management. Prior Planning Prevents Pudgy Paunches ... or something. :) You take control of the meals, research healthy, yet tasty!, meal options for both you and your wife.
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Postby Coder » Mon Jun 25, 2007 9:58 am

Personally, I find the weight sexy. I'm not saying huge women are a turn on, but I certainly like the 200-250 range of woman. It tells me they are content with who I am, they like me, don't need to keep themselves ready for the open market.

Also, when my partner seems to obsess about their looks/weight, it makes me feel those are traits they put a high-value on, thus, I should also be super fit, and good looking. Which, while I can "get" fit, the good-looking part is what it is.

From a health-perspective, it's the only area of concern I get. Eating junk and being ~225 sucks of course.

But, give me a voluptous woman any day over a skinny Minnie. 225 seems perfect for the 5'8 - 6+ range.

In reality though, it is about the person inside and their desire for me that fuels me, big or thin.
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Postby qtpie2752 » Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:25 am

As a woman who also gained some weight after marraige (45 pounds) I really had to work at convincing myself it wasn't ruining my marraige. Problem was I knew deep down I was hurting me and him. Our sex life also suffered because
A. he wasn't as attracted to me, although he'd never say it and
B. I felt so self concious I refused to get naked anymore!

Finally over a couple of beers I braught up my health and my husband finally told me how much he'd like me to lose weight. I was so saddened at first by his honesty but I could tell he was doing it because he wanted to save our marraige. He is my biggest cheerleader and without his help I wouldn't be able to lose the weight. He cooks healthy meals, takes me to subway instead of burger king, offers to run or walk with me, but encourages me to rest when I don't feel up for it and best of all tells me I'm beautiful everyday.
It might be hard to bring it up but that is the only way to get her healthy again. Be honest, tell her that it's hurting your marraige and you want her around for a long time. Tell her how angry you are at her for giving up, but be respectfull. Tell her you need HER to decide to change and then come up with a plan.
Weight watchers in one of the best plans out there, it's long term, healthy and cheap.
So far I'm doing 16 and still losing... good luck to you!!!
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Postby ThunderHorse » Thu Mar 25, 2010 2:59 pm

qtpie2752 wrote:Dan,
As a woman who also gained some weight after marraige (45 pounds) So far I'm doing 16 and still losing... good luck to you!!!

Glad Weight Watchers is working fo you. I try more Green Diamond foods myself.

Post back your challenges. The scales seem to get stuck at a certain weight for a few weeks at a time.
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Re: Wife's weight

Postby soccergirl12 » Sat Dec 03, 2011 5:54 pm

Yes, I agree that your wife should be healthy and eat right but I feel that you should love your wife no matter what she looks like. Also if you think she should exercise or eat healthier you can tell her in a nicer way or maybe you can motivate her by working out with her and tell her that you want to spend more time with her. Your wife will feel a little better about it and you can make it look like you want to be closer with her by doing activities. There also could be other reasons why she is eating more and gaining more weight.

How is your marriage doing? Are you making sure she feels like you love her? Maybe she is stressed out about your marriage so you should sit down and talk to her about it. I learned in my psychology class that communication is one of the most important factors in marriage because you both should be able to talk with one another about anything. Maybe she is insecure about herself.

You should show her that you love her and that she is still a beautiful person inside and out because if you don’t and you make her feel insecure about herself then that’s going to make your marriage worse and she won’t lose any weight. Another important factor in a marriage is your intimacy with each other because your wife most likely notices that you don’t really like having sex with her. She might feel like she isn’t good enough for you. I think you should try making her feel good about herself and love her for who she is no matter what size she is.
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Re: Wife's weight

Postby kgrelz12 » Tue Dec 06, 2011 8:04 pm

Does your wife know you love her? Do you ever do things to make her feel special? Do you ever remind her of why you fell in love with her in the first place? Do you ever ask your wife how she feels, is she depressed? Do you make sure she has time to do things for herself like exercise, make herself pretty? Does she really want to change? Has she expressed disappointment in herself or her physical appearance?

Dr. Ski says that men place more value on a partner's youthfulness and physical attractiveness. Also, personalities an impact the wellness of a marriage. For example, perfectionism and insecurity are loosely associated with marital problems. She also discloses that unhappy couples find it difficult to convey positive messages and tend to use more negative ones.

If I were you, I would look at this situation from a different angle. If your wife's physical appearance and weight bothers you as much as it does, think about how much it bothers her. She may not admit it, but it does. Try to remind her of the "good old days" and of fun times you've had together before the weight gain. Before you express concern about her body. make sure she feels secure in your love for her. After all, anyone can say it; maybe she needs to feel it. It is acceptable for you to want her to get into shape, but be supportive in this lengthy process. Make sure she is up fir this challenge, set attainable goals, and be patient. Go through this process with her, so she doesn't feel as though you are against her.
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Re: Wife's weight

Postby BA337 » Sun Dec 02, 2012 8:21 pm

Dear Dan422,
I can see that you have very strong feelings about your wife’s increase in weight. And after you got married to her she turned from slim to overweight? She also says that it’s because of her genes that she put on a few pounds and there’s basically nothing she can do about it? Does your wife really know how much you truly love her? Do you still do the same things you used to when you were dating? I’m sure that anyone with a spouse where the same thing is happening, one of them is bound to be a little unhappy. If I was in this situation, I would be concerned as well.
In my psychology class, Dr. Ski taught us about social psychology. It is said that there is an “implicit cultural message that beautiful is good.” It is believed that more attractive people are known to be more intelligent, happier and overall, better. Social Influence may also be a contributing factor. This is “how behavior is influenced by the social environment and the presence of other people.” My professor also says that men place more value on their partner’s physical attractiveness and youthfulness. Dr. Scott also offers some valuable thoughts in his book; Secrets of Happily Married Men. He says that “you’ll feel more adept at managing marital problems if you use your work skills: such as active listening and considering all options before action. Just like your job, your marriage has many rewards; from personal fulfillment to a longer, healthier secure future and a better sex life.” You must also know your wife and understand what makes her tick.
In your case, you are viewing your wife as unattractive now that she has gained weight. Maybe you wouldn’t have married her if she was how she looked now because you believed attractive people are “better”. She may also be influenced by the presence of you and her family or friends. If you don’t bring up her weight in a positive way, she won’t respond very well. If her friends or family don’t recognize her weight change, she may think that it is not a big deal. If you find the right way to confront her and offer how to make changes, she most likely won’t just give you the silent treatment.
Maybe you could put some time aside each day and start exercising. Go on a walk outside, or join a local gym and invite her to tag along because you don’t want to go by yourself. You could say that you’ve been feeling out of shape lately and would like some company while you exercise. This could bring you both closer together, while becoming healthier. Her first reaction may be that she feels hurt, or that you were referring to her weight gain. If you confront her very laid back (and keep an open mind while you’re doing this because she may be sensitive) and be positive, she is sure to change. Another suggestion is that you could help cook healthier meals when it’s time to eat. You should tell her you love her and how beautiful she is to you: inside and out. Remember to be patient and that good things take time. I’m sure that your marriage will be back on track and you will both be happy again. Good luck, and I wish you the best.
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Re: Wife's weight

Postby kllomba » Mon Dec 03, 2012 8:18 pm

So you are worried about you wife and her appearance? You saw that after you got married that she started to gain even more weight. You are trying to bring it to her attention that she should lose some of the weight and make an effort in trying to keep herself fit. How did you approach her in these topics? Have you ever tried to help her by going on a diet also?

There are five psychosexual stages which was developed by Sigmund Freud, says Dr.Misiurski. These fives stages which relate to personality development are each associated with a particular erogenous zone. In each of these zones a person is to achieve a particular part of development that goes along with their age. Such as in the oral stage that is from birth until they are a year old, it is connected with obtaining oral pleasure. If this stage is not handled correctly then they can have a fixation in adulthood with oral activities.

In your case your wife has gained weight because she refuses to take care of herself and eats way too much. She also says that she loves to eat but this eating is not helping her or your marriage.

If you want help your wife with losing weight you may want to get her into therapy. Here it may help her to see that her eating is way that she is putting a wall between both of you. Also she may be eating to deal with something in her past which she may not want to deal with. The eating may be unconscious to her and she may not see the links it could have with other areas to her life, such as in the bedroom.
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Re: Wife's weight

Postby JanaeRaymond » Mon Dec 03, 2012 11:57 pm

So you say after your marriage your wife began eating more and exercising less? I know you don’t like the fact that your wife gained a lot of weight after the marriage but have you sat down and talked to her about it? Or have you tried to motivate her to exercise or work out with you? You know if you give her that extra drive to help her get back to the size that she once was, she might feel motivated. Sometimes all it takes is a little motivation. But I also feel that you should let her know in a polite way that you liked/ preferred the size she was in the beginning.

There are psychological disorders that Dr. Misiurski talked about in class. She basically stated that a psychological disorder is a pattern of behavior and psychological symptoms that cause stress and life changes. Just to name a few of anxiety, mood disorder, and personality order are psychological disorders that occur in 48% of people, at least once in their lifetime.

In contrast to your wife she could have one of these listed psychological disorders, which could be stopping her from exercising and causing her to eat more. Also Dr. Misiurski said that 80% of the time people facing psychological disorders do not seek treatment. So this leads me to believe that your wife could be facing a psychological disorder and may think that she can deal with it own her own which is leading her to focus less on her psychical identity.

So in this cause first you need to open up to your wife. Really find out what is causing her to change her eating habits. Like I said it could be a psychological disorder causing her to be cranky and less caring about her body size. The only way to solve this problem is to find a solution. If you can’t find a solution to this problem then eventually it’s going to make you drift more and more away from your wife, which could possible lead to divorce. So my best advice is to start off by cooking healthy meals for dinner. After the dinners explain to her that you want your family to be healthy, because it’s important to you. Then tell her your thoughts and feelings on getting back in shape and maybe even throw in that you would like for her to join the gym and should consider doing one weekly jog together. But make sure she knows that it’s not all for the psychical appearance but also a good idea for yours and hers health. Lastly I would like to wish you and your wife the best of luck and always remember to speak from the heart but also explain your thoughts in a joyful manner.
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Re: Wife's weight

Postby Karma4 » Tue Dec 04, 2012 1:26 pm

Your wife has gained some weight since you been married and you are starting to be concerned about her. Clearly you are concerned about her appearance as well. You noticed her motivation to eat right and work out has decreased. When she says things like “this is the way I was meant to be” and “it’s in my genes/I love to eat/it’s what’s inside that counts…” Do you think it’s a form of denial or lack of confidence in her self?

Your wife and your self are team and I can see you truly love her for better or worse but as a team you need to work together as one to accomplish your goals. It is always good to have communication in a relationship. Ask her how she feels about her self then discuss your feelings you have and that you love her but you are concerned with her health and well being. There are a lot of risk factors that come hand and hand with being over weight from your heart to diabetes as well as emotional issues. Talking walks together is not just a healthy way to work out together but also a good way to communicate not in the safe zone of your home but in the fresh air and the beauty of nature. Dr. Misiurski states that men are more likely to value their partner’s physical attractiveness and youthful attributes verse a woman who is more interested in the personality. Show her you are her for help and make the situation a positive experience.

Your wife may be gaining weight because she refuses too and believes this is who she is. Your wife could be hiding behind her self due to lack of confidence and positive motivation that could be holding her back from moving in the right direction. If your wife’s appearance and weight is bothering you think about how it is bother her. Remind her that you’re here for her show her pictures from the past and talk about all fun and you guys had before she put on weight.

If I were you I’d try and always make her feel loved and show her you know she is in love and comfortable in the marriage but you will be there every step of the way to help her become even more beautiful than she already is. Make life an adventure. Always be supportive and creative like doing activities and cooking healthy meals together. Set goals and challenges that you guys can meet together to make the transition positive and fun.
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Re: Wife's weight

Postby jtaylor » Tue Aug 06, 2013 12:00 pm

It doesn't look like anyone has posted here in a while, but I thought I would add my thoughts... I'm a newly wed, been married 8 months and have gained weight myself. My husband and I have only had sex 4 times in the last 5 or 6 months and it's killing me. I was a little overweight when we married and have gained a little more. I don't like being the weight that I am and I'm working on losing it. If I could have anything- it would be for my husband to be fully supportive of me right now. I would love for him to tell me that he thinks I'm beautiful and for him to be intimate with me and show his support in those ways while I'm trying to lose weight NOW and not wait until I'm 'back to normal' to be intimate with me. In my opinion, weight gain is always indicative of deeper 'illness' (physical or psychological issues, etc). In my case, I'm pretty darn sure I've gained weight due to stress- stress at work and stress in our relationship. I haven't slept well in months and months. I'm so tired during the day I don't have energy to exercise. So in my case, if my husband would be compassionate with where I'm coming from and how I'm feeling it would be HUGE for us. I have felt SO much stress from our sometimes very fragile relationship and I wish he would do more to protect our marriage and support me as his wife. I want to lose the weight, but I also want for him to see beyond it and cherish and support the inner me.

So maybe a word of encouragement for men whose wives are overweight- muster up some patience and compassion and take time to really hear your wife. Find out what might be going on under the surface, what stress or depression or anxiety or chronic pain, or other physical illness she may be suffering from. Let her know you fully support her. Support her if she needs to see a special doctor or therapist. Tell her you love her no matter what. Validate her concerns, women don't want to feel like their men think they're crazy. Sometimes just feeling totally *safe* makes all the difference in the world.

My two cents.
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Re: Wife's weight

Postby oldsoul92 » Mon Dec 02, 2013 10:56 pm

Dear Dan422,

Firstly, Let me clearly assess the situation. When you and your wife were not married, she took care of her body, ate healthy etc. Then after the marriage, she began eating more and exercising less. This caused her to gain weight over time, which led to her saying she was always like she was. Now it seems she has no intent on changing, and when you do broach the subject, you are met with silence and no change. This has begun to affect your sex life, and how you view her body.

Well Dan422, I will say this. Your situation sounds quite sticky. Having been in a few long term relationships, I can say I gained some weight in the long run. When you have a partner that you know is also your best friend, it feels good to have the extra beer, the bowl of ice cream. It adds up after a while and it is never easy to talk about. Dr. Haltzman has many keys to a successful marriage, and he says one of the keys is to listen to your partner. I think you should sit down and have her tell you why she gained the weight. Just sit and listen, and if she asks for your input, then give it.

Another thing I would advise is something my social psychology professor told us. She told us that in order to affect change in a relationship, one party must initiate it. I would suggest maybe changing some of your own eating habits. Maybe instead of the soda at dinner, have some water. Maybe start taking walks around the neighborhood and ask if she wants to join you. This might get her started and she'll begin to implement her own changes. This will also make it easier for her to become healthy again and change for herself.

Ultimately in the end, it is up to her to change. Regardless of whether she does or not, remember she will always have your back, through thick and thin. You must have married her for something other than her looks. Try to harken back to those things you fell in love with. Maybe it was her laugh when you told a joke. Maybe it was the way her eyes lit up when the sun hit them. Or perhaps it was just the quiver of her lips when she said I love you. Whatever you decide Dan422, I wish the best of luck with your situation.

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Re: Wife's weight

Postby pavlov89 » Tue Dec 03, 2013 5:00 pm

I am a man that has struggled with fluctuating weight over the years myself. For me, I find that when I'm either depressed or frustrated I turn to food as a coping mechanism. It is a means of self gratification, even if it's only for the moment. What made me finally decide to change my eating habits was seeing the toll it took on my health. I was tired all the time, I lacked energy and the motivation for daily activities and got sick and tired of looking at my stomach in the mirror. My buddies were helpful in encouraging me to join their gym and got me on a workout routine which helped me drop over 50 lbs in 6 months.
Has your wife dealt with weight issues in the past? If so, how did she deal with them? Did any kind of stressor or factor contribute to her increased eating/ decreased exercise? What about trying to get her to join a gym with you? Have you tried buying healthier foods to have around the house instead of bad snacks or desserts? What did you say to her when she makes up excuses for her eating?
From what I've learned in my Social Psychology class, there are numerous social, biological, and psychological factors that affect people with weight issues/ eating disorders. Focusing on social/psychological factors, a person can feel the need to overeat based on: feelings of low self esteem or inadequacy, troubled personal relationships, a difficulty expressing emotions/feelings, a history of being abused earlier in life based on size or weight, feeling of a lack on control over one's life. If not treated, health problems stemming from weight gain can include increased cholesterol and blood pressure, heart disease, and diabetes.
Approaching this issue with your wife is a sensitive matter, but one in which you must face. Dr. Haltzman has found men in successful marriages deal with conflict in their marriage the same way they would with conflict at work. In this sense, the skills of listening, planning, and considering all options are important to conflict resolution rather than simply ignoring the problem and walking away. For Haltzman, "Its Ok to disagree. But avoid contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and emotional withdrawal. When the heat builds up up, don't take off in a huff."
Following what Haltzman says about conflict resolution, It seems that you're uncomfortable with facing the problem. You said yourself you haven't brought up the subject to her in several years. This seems to have resulted in a withdrawal in you from her, both emotionally and physically and sexually. Haltzman would say that the problem is only getting more severe by not facing it and that it is causing you both to withdraw from each other. Additionally the increase in weight by your wife to almost 280 lbs increases her chances of developing potentially severe health problems down the line.
I know that the weight issue is a touchy subject to discuss with anyone, particularly women and particularly your wife. The problem is not going to fix itself and deep down she probably realizes it. I know for myself there was a sense of shame and helplessness that accompanies being overweight. I hated seeing myself in pictures but at the same time I felt helpless to do anything to fix the problem. This is where she needs your help. It is going to be uncomfortable and maybe even unpleasant to discuss. Don't chastise her, but listen to what she has to say. You can express your concern for her, her health, her happiness and how it affects your relationship. Don't forget to tell her you love her and you're there for her. Start making healthy meals at home and offer to join a gym with her.
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