The fire is cold. What now?

[familyman]

Well, I'm seeing that I am not the only man wanting more sex from his wife. We have been married almost 20 years. I have been doing everything I can to make my wife know that she is loved. I give her notes and cards, send cute e-mails, and text messages. I run errands, compliment her endlessly, tell her how beautiful she is, buy her little gifts and flowers etc. I have sent surprise packages through the mail to her work with love notes inside. I cook her dinners, run errands, do chores, and countless other little tasks to be helpful to her. Yet I find that she is rarely in the mood for intimacy. Sure, sometimes she agrees to let me have sex with her (she cooperates), but rarely participates and almost never initiates. Its not just the physical aspect of the sex I miss, I so crave the closeness and oneness that can be had by having mutual sex with a person that you love dearly. There almost always seems to be an excuse; "too tired, stomach-ache, headache, "Aren't you too tired?". This is not the way it used to be, but is the case more of the time over the last 3-4 years. I am having difficulty dealing with the rejection. I want her to let me know she loves me and is attracted to me. I am finding it difficult to sustain all of this without reciprocation.

What now?

[tknochld]

After further brainstorming I came up with this:

Have you communicated to her that you feel snubbed, unloved, and unappreciated? Does she know how you feel? You mentioned that you want to tell her... is there some stress or something that is preventing you from broaching the subject with her?

[elizacol]

I am just going to throw some things out here, as I don't know your history of intimacy with your wife.

1) In the past, have you made sex more about fulfilling your needs?
More about fulfilling her needs? In other words, has it mainly been
about 'you', or about 'her', or about the enjoyment of the BOTH of
you?

2) Think about that and be honest with yourself. IF it has mainly been
about you, then change it up the next time she is willing to be intimate
with you. There are a million and one things you can do to spice up
things in the bedroom...have your tried any, with the focus being about
her enjoyment?

3) Does she orgasm when you make love? If not, then, of course she
isn't going to want to make love very often...once in awhile is fine with
no orgasm...but if it is happening regularly...well, what's the point?
You need to make sure she isn't faking it, either.

4) I know when I thoroughly enjoy our lovemaking sessions, I am more
apt to a) want to do it again, soon! and b) more likely to initiate it.
I am at an age now (also married 20 years) when I enjoy it even it I
don't orgasm, but I wouldn't want that to happen all of the time!

5) Have your heard of Dr. Laura's book, "The Proper Care and Feeding
of Husbands"? There is a chapter in there that explains men's need
for intimacy. I never really 'got' it until I read that section in her book.
Honestly, I would have her read that portion and then talk about it.
IF she will be turned off by the book (many women are because of
the title), then photocopy it and read it together. It totally changed
my way of thinking!

6) Have a heart to heart with your wife and tell her exactly how you
feel. You are opening yourself up by doing so, but honestly,she needs
to know.

I wouldn't continue just 'waiting' for things to change. It's likely not going to happen.

You sound like a wonderful husband. Does your wife take that for granted? Have you always been this kind, loving, and considerate?

I will let you digest what I've said, as I've said alot.

Elizacol

[familyman]

Aboslutely I have told her. She nearly flies off the handle and tells me that it is just my misperception ("my imagination") She has sometimes told me that I am "too needy" or selfish. I can't tell if she just doesn't want to admit that she is being this way, or if she really doesn't realize it? I try not to broach the subject any longer, just suck it up and deal with it....and continue to wait and hope.

[elizacol]

Perhaps you need to try telling her in a different manner/using a different technique. Did you check out the chapter I referred to in Dr. Laura's book?


Are you too needy? Is that, perhaps, why you do so much for her? Are you a doormat? How is your self-esteem in general?

I don't know, just throwing thoughts out there.

IF she is calling you selfish...then what, pray tell, does she call all of the things you apparently do for her? From what you listed, women would be lining up at your feet, if, indeed, you truly are as you portray yourself to be. You need to ask her WHY she is calling you selfish when you, apparently, give so much of yourself.

If and when she 'blows up', you need to remain calm and explain to her that these are your feelings and that her discounting them, or ignoring them, or starting a fight isn't going to change your feelings. They are just as real as any feelings she has. She needs to know this and hear this!

You need to tell her that this is important to you. Therefore, it is important to your marriage! What matters to you, matters to your marriage. You can't separate the 2, much as you or she would like.

Yes, you may learn to deal with it, but the underlying resentment, hurt, etc. will come to light in other areas of your marriage. She needs to realize this.