Hi everyone, I'm a new here. This forum is actually just the thing I've been thinking I needed, so I'm glad to have found it.
My husband (B) and I have been married all of 8 1/2 mos and have been together just over 2 years. We've had sex only 4 times in the last 5 or 6 months and I'm going crazy feeling so much hurt/rejection/frustration/discouraged/etc. When we fight he says things like he doesn't feel loved or respected and that we don't have anything in common, that we're not a good match. I want to validate where he's coming from, but it's honestly a bit shocking to hear these things, I have a hard time seeing how they're true. I think we do have a good relationship and have a lot in common. We are a good match and I try really hard to show him that I love and respect him. I get so frustrated with it and just want to tell him to get over himself. I don't mean to sound like a complete bitch. I love B. Deeply. But he can be such an insecure and immature jerk and I've been holding these feelings of hurt and rejection for so long. I haven't read Secrets of Happily Married Women yet but I'm ordering it today. I have, however, been reading How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It, by Patricia Love. It's been really insightful and I'm trying to apply what I'm learning. But this feels SOOO unfair to me- I feel like I have to bend over backward and coddle him and help him not feel disrespected and do all this work to improve our marriage just so he'll be intimate with me. Every day is a major balancing act- balancing my hurt with my hope. Trying to have boundaries and take care of my own needs while holding compassion for him and where he's coming from. It's incredibly tricky and I feel like I'm losing. Most days we get along fine, we like being home together and spending time hanging out together. We make jokes and tell each other about our days. And when we watch our favorite shows together we'll touch each other affectionately. He'll even spank me playfully or make sexual innuendos but doesn't follow it up with any actual sexual pursuit of me. It's driving me crazy. I think our relationship has improved even over the last couple/few months, but still no sex. Before getting married I never would have thought that my husband would be the one withholding.
I've been wondering if the issues we're struggling with now are more than just typical first-year-of-marriage issues. Sometimes it seems like this is harder than it should be. I have a hard time not comparing our relationship to those of my other newly married friends; it makes my heart ache to see how happy they are and how much love and support they get from their husbands because I don't have that. It's hard for me that we're only 8 mos in and have already lost intimacy.
I would love feedback or encouragement. I'm sorry if I sound super bitchy, go easy on me if you respond. I love B so much and I really want to be a good wife and have a super marriage. I'm just feeling so hurt and discouraged.