newlyweds, sexless marriage

newlyweds, sexless marriage

Postby jtaylor » Tue Aug 06, 2013 1:41 pm

Hi everyone, I'm a new here. This forum is actually just the thing I've been thinking I needed, so I'm glad to have found it.

My husband (B) and I have been married all of 8 1/2 mos and have been together just over 2 years. We've had sex only 4 times in the last 5 or 6 months and I'm going crazy feeling so much hurt/rejection/frustration/discouraged/etc. When we fight he says things like he doesn't feel loved or respected and that we don't have anything in common, that we're not a good match. I want to validate where he's coming from, but it's honestly a bit shocking to hear these things, I have a hard time seeing how they're true. I think we do have a good relationship and have a lot in common. We are a good match and I try really hard to show him that I love and respect him. I get so frustrated with it and just want to tell him to get over himself. I don't mean to sound like a complete bitch. I love B. Deeply. But he can be such an insecure and immature jerk and I've been holding these feelings of hurt and rejection for so long. I haven't read Secrets of Happily Married Women yet but I'm ordering it today. I have, however, been reading How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It, by Patricia Love. It's been really insightful and I'm trying to apply what I'm learning. But this feels SOOO unfair to me- I feel like I have to bend over backward and coddle him and help him not feel disrespected and do all this work to improve our marriage just so he'll be intimate with me. Every day is a major balancing act- balancing my hurt with my hope. Trying to have boundaries and take care of my own needs while holding compassion for him and where he's coming from. It's incredibly tricky and I feel like I'm losing. Most days we get along fine, we like being home together and spending time hanging out together. We make jokes and tell each other about our days. And when we watch our favorite shows together we'll touch each other affectionately. He'll even spank me playfully or make sexual innuendos but doesn't follow it up with any actual sexual pursuit of me. It's driving me crazy. I think our relationship has improved even over the last couple/few months, but still no sex. Before getting married I never would have thought that my husband would be the one withholding.

I've been wondering if the issues we're struggling with now are more than just typical first-year-of-marriage issues. Sometimes it seems like this is harder than it should be. I have a hard time not comparing our relationship to those of my other newly married friends; it makes my heart ache to see how happy they are and how much love and support they get from their husbands because I don't have that. It's hard for me that we're only 8 mos in and have already lost intimacy.

I would love feedback or encouragement. I'm sorry if I sound super bitchy, go easy on me if you respond. I love B so much and I really want to be a good wife and have a super marriage. I'm just feeling so hurt and discouraged.
jtaylor
 
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Re: newlyweds, sexless marriage

Postby Scott Haltzman » Fri Aug 09, 2013 3:07 pm

FWIW, JT, you don't sound too bitchy to me (although I don't know if your hubby would say that). Pat Love's book is very good; it will complement mine well.
I'm interested in seeing how others will respond to your post. Hang in there!
Scott
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Re: newlyweds, sexless marriage

Postby ThunderHorse » Sat Aug 10, 2013 9:45 am

One way to show a husband respect, is to understand his interests.

What are his favorite sports teams? How can you share his disappointments, triumphs for his teams?

What type of work does he do, what are the challenges of his job, any way you can give recognition for his efforts?

What does your husband do for the household, and how can you display recognition for his efforts?

Under TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF there is a thread, ASKING FOR WIFE'S PRAISE. The thread may give you some ideas of how to look for your husband's interests, so you can give recognition that is meaningful to your husband.

You do not mention any of your husband's interests that are different from yours, and how you try to give recognition of successes, that do not actually interest you.


//
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Re: newlyweds, sexless marriage

Postby kpowell3 » Sat Aug 10, 2013 8:56 pm

Hey JT, I really hope you can work this out, here is all I can add. My wife and I are 3 years into marriage and still have very little sex and when we started out it sounds a lot like what you're describing with your dear husband. Here is my advice that I would love to see happen from my wife. Initiate the sexual contact and demand the follow Through. If my wife would make any solid attempt at striking up intimacy I would be sooo much more willing to return the favor. If I feel like she is not interested I don't even try anymore and it sucks, I just watch porn and let her work on her business stuff. I've spent years trying to initiate intimacy and she doesnt ever return that favor so I feel like she doesnt want it and I don't try anymore, case closed. I don't know if your situation is close to this, but if it is- reach out of your comfort zone and demand it. I really hope it works out for you because a sexless marriage at 8 month, will be a sexless marriage at 3 years in my experience. Good luck.
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Re: newlyweds, sexless marriage

Postby ThunderHorse » Sun Sep 08, 2013 1:48 pm

kpowell3 wrote:Hey JT, I really hope you can work this out, here is all I can add. My wife and I are 3 years into marriage and still have very little sex and when we started out it sounds a lot like what you're describing with your dear husband. Here is my advice that I would love to see happen from my wife. Initiate the sexual contact and demand the follow Through. If my wife would make any solid attempt at striking up intimacy I would be sooo much more willing to return the favor. If I feel like she is not interested I don't even try anymore and it sucks, I just watch porn and let her work on her business stuff. I've spent years trying to initiate intimacy and she doesnt ever return that favor so I feel like she doesnt want it and I don't try anymore, case closed. I don't know if your situation is close to this, but if it is- reach out of your comfort zone and demand it. I really hope it works out for you because a sexless marriage at 8 month, will be a sexless marriage at 3 years in my experience. Good luck.


Dear K Powell,

Thank you for your thoughtful comments to Mrs. J Taylor. Welcome to the Secrets of Marriage forum.

You also shared that you would like more success with seduction in your own marriage. Dr. Scotts book for Married men describes five stages in sexual arousal for a woman. Also see a thread, in this Intimacy section, titled: HOW DO YOU GET A GIRL "IN THE MOOD".

You mention that you are tired of rejection from your wife. At what stage do you experience rejection? are you able to handle rejection graciously? How long do you wait for re-approaching? I have been using the 4 sensual acupressure points near the top of the back of the hips, with increasing interest and sustainability. What massage acupressure points are not working for you? During what hours is your wife more receptive?




//
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Re: newlyweds, sexless marriage

Postby jtaylor » Fri Oct 25, 2013 2:08 pm

Thanks for the responses. I've been avoiding this forum for a while because I'm emotionally too raw. B and I are divorcing. It took me two years to come to terms with the facts- he's emotionally and verbally abusive, sociopathic, and a functioning alcoholic. I can honestly say I was a good wife and he is a complete fool.

I tried initiating sex countless times and was turned down every time. I listened to him patiently and validated his feelings, I took interest in his hobbies and what he thought about, I asked him about the things he cared about. He was so cruel and said such hurtful things to me. I bought piles of relationship books and self-help books. I didn't give up until the bitter end. But it did nothing to save our marriage because I can ultimately only choose for myself. I internalized so much of his negativity and tried so hard to better myself so that he would finally see that I was worth loving. He couldn't. I fully believe he doesn't love himself enough to love anyone else. I ditched all of my relationship/marriage books for now and am reading Love Without Hurt by Stosny. A lot of internal healing to do.
jtaylor
 
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Re: newlyweds, sexless marriage

Postby ThunderHorse » Sat Oct 26, 2013 5:29 am

jtaylor wrote:Thanks for the responses. I've been avoiding this forum for a while because I'm emotionally too raw. B and I are divorcing. It took me two years to come to terms with the facts- he's emotionally and verbally abusive, sociopathic, and a functioning alcoholic. I can honestly say I was a good wife and he is a complete fool.

I tried initiating sex countless times and was turned down every time. I listened to him patiently and validated his feelings, I took interest in his hobbies and what he thought about, I asked him about the things he cared about. He was so cruel and said such hurtful things to me. I bought piles of relationship books and self-help books. I didn't give up until the bitter end. But it did nothing to save our marriage because I can ultimately only choose for myself. I internalized so much of his negativity and tried so hard to better myself so that he would finally see that I was worth loving. He couldn't. I fully believe he doesn't love himself enough to love anyone else. I ditched all of my relationship/marriage books for now and am reading Love Without Hurt by Stosny. A lot of internal healing to do.



For Abuse, there is the Boring Baroque Response, see books by Suzette Elgin. Also, under Communications, there is a thread, "My wife is hyper critical, please help."

The clue I missed in your first post was that your husband was calling you derogatory names.

To handle verbal abuse, takes some counter-intuitive strategies.



//
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