My Wife's Sex Dilemma

My Wife's Sex Dilemma

Postby sean » Wed Jan 01, 2014 5:42 am

I have been married 11 years and have been faithful. My wife had one boyfriend before me, and I was a virgin until my wedding night. She is also 7 years older than me.

She was sexually abused when she was seven by someone in her neighbourhood one time, and one possible time (she is not sure) when she was at a pub drinking and woke up naked in someone else's bed at 17 years old.

She uses these two experiences to basic live a sexless marriage.
In my 11 years of being married, we had times where it was once every six months, and the norm was once every three months.
Now we are enjoying a norm of once a month, and she said this is a HUGE breakthrough for her (after 11 years of marriage).
In my heart, I have growing resentment though that she uses something that happened to her nearly three decades ago against our sex life.

Especially since more times than not, midway through our intimacy, she stops and says she can't.
This rips me in the heart both as a lover and physically its just hard.

What more is she as this long list of things that need to happen before she can even *consider* making love:

1.) She needs a date night before and after making love, and to be close for one whole week (being close means cuddling every night, no television, and I am totally hers from the moment I am at home, hugging on her at least every 20 minutes, and telling her I love her at least every 10 minutes....its almost obsessive). Sometimes when she is really emotional she requires/demands 3 date nights during that week we make love.

2.) She demands that I don't *expect* anything so there is no pressure, even after all the date nights that she says she may be ready.

3.) She demands after making love we spend an hour cuddling and talking before we go to sleep, usually eating ice cream together (this is above and beyond the dates).

4.) If I mention to her that her expectations are a little too high, she gets really offended and even angry and says, "this is what I need, if you want it, these are my needs." And then says, "all you want is to F--- me." It usually comes after I tell her normal couples don't do all these things and make love at least once a week, all I ask is once a month. She says to me stop comparing ourselves to normal couples.

There are many other things in our marriage including she has anger issues that she is taking care of (some with medecine), depression issues, she is super sensetive to noise (which with three kids is very hard to keep the volume down so she can have peace), and is overwhelmed very very easily on the smallest of issues. She also doesn''t work because of being overwhelmed easily, yet fights the idea of being a housewife and wants equal share in the chores besides the fact that I work and she doesn't (be her choice, and I give her alot of freedom in this area).

The most frustrating part is that she often wants to control the temperature and plans in the house and gives others (including myself) very little freedom, but wants for herself the utmost freedom. She wants to confront everyone on their issues all day long, but is super fragile when confronted on her own issues - I would say the amount of confronting between her and me is 10 confronts from her for everyone one confront from me- and when I do confront its an emergency in our marriage or why am I so hard on her (and I use the sandwich principle when confronting of encouragement, confrontation, encouragement)...she just lets it all spill out in alot of anger. I also consider what she has to say when she confronts me all the time....and listen, and try to change, even when done in anger. She fights me toothe and nail when I confront her. I told her the other day how come you want me to consider your confrontations and if I even slightly hint about something (like why she never folds the laundry), its like dropping a bomb. When she confronts me everything is calm, when I confront her its WW3. She actually said for the first time she would consider what I said and there is truth in it that we are not equal in how we handle confrontation. I personally love rebuke, it helps me improve myself as a person. She hates it and doesn't want to hear it from anyone, but yet hands it out freely all day long to everyone around her. I'm also very slow to give out rebukes only on what I consider major issues.

Another issue that I have a hard time with is judgement. I am very slow to judge others and live by the rule, "Put myself in their shoes first" even if they did me wrong.
This has saved me in my lifetime alot of miscommunication issues and brought peace in my friendships.
I give others the benefit of the doubt unless there is alot of evidence...but they get the benefit of the doubt first.

She jumps to conclusions about people and reacts on those conclusions and looses alot of friendships.
Whats hard for me is she wants me to jump with her on those conclusions.
When I mention that maybe it was a miscommunication, or maybe this, or maybe that..... she feels like I am not protecting her or "we are not in unity" as she says.
I try to show her how to put ourselves in their shoes and try to think from their point of view before jumping to conclusions about their actions, and she feels like this is weakness.
Later she finds out it was miscommunication and she is sorry she jumped to conclusions. But still angry with me I didn't jump with her- especially when I know the other person's motives were pure many times. I even try to tell her I understand why she feels that way...and can listen to her hardship with that person's actions, its when she jumps to respond to those actions (like calling or starting with anger or confronting their superiors, etc.)....that I protest and say we should go to them calmly first with the benefit of the doubt.
She feels that unless I join her on her short crusades, I am not protecting her. I think this comes from when her parents gave the person who molested her the benefit of the doubt and didn't come to her defense (even though her parents love her greatly)....but not every person and situation is molestation.

Anyways, I am frustrated sexually and tired of living in emotional drama all the time.
We've gone to counseling and they usually rebuke me for passive agressiveness....and say she has been through so much I need to be patient.
But it was three decades ago, how can she understand that present behavior shouldn't be defined by three decades ago, its time to move on and make the best out of the life we have now.

I love her alot and she has many strengths I can also list....but right now, this is what I am dealing with.
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Re: My Wife's Sex Dilemma

Postby sean » Fri Jan 03, 2014 2:38 am

I did a research just now about all the hard issues we are facing on google.

She has all the symptoms 1:1 of Hyper Sensitivity.

She can't stand any noise.
She smells things ten times more than most people.
She pays alot of attention to asthetics (sometimes changing seats in the restaurant five times before getting the perfect seat that is astheticallypleasing)
She needs lots of space, yet at the same time wants lots of intimacy/quality time.
She processes and takes information in overload and can't cope easily and gets overwhelmed by the smallest of things.
I like to talk alot, she can't stand it and wants to be close, yet runs waay.
A little bit of stress or pressure makes her go nearly crazy.
She finds drama and a crisis in everything (the kids forgot to take their coat to school, she will literally go in circles and go crazy until they get their coat, it will haunt her, its a crisis and she can't pay attention to anything else).

Whats hard for me is that because she is super sensetive, she is also super critical, and finds something to criticize me all the will be like the kids, something small will haunt her and she will obsess over it (like I didn't take my vitamins, or forgot to brush my teeth...for her, it turns into a crisis she can't let go).

And also I read yesterday that the same is with sex HSP people need time to process sex, a few days.
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Re: My Wife's Sex Dilemma

Postby ThunderHorse » Sat Jan 04, 2014 1:19 pm

You do not mention strategies for letting your wife vent. There are two chapters in the Secrets of Married Men's book, on getting your wife to talk. If your wife is speaking to you angrily, then you are doing a good job of letting her vent. See a thread under communications, LISTENING STRATEGIES FOR MEN.

Your passive aggressive should be addressed. First, you need to make a list of what you want her to change, then pick a few for the next session, then plan a session for asking your wife for what you want. Maybe best after you have encouraged her to vent for at least 15 minute. Then she might be willing to listen.

The other approach, for your passive aggressive, is to avoid rewarding your wife's outbursts. See a thread under communications, MY WIFE IS HYPER CITICAL, PLEASE HELP.

You seem to be glossing over compliments, for your wife, because of all you do for her. I suggest reviewing the thread COMPLIMENTGS FOR WIVES under Communication. More compliments may go a long way for ameliorating some of your other issues.

You do not mention your expertise in acupressure. Search Acupressure for Lovers.

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Re: My Wife's Sex Dilemma

Postby ThunderHorse » Mon Jan 06, 2014 8:28 pm

If you like to talk, you need a special woman to have the patience to listen to a man. Women are not ordinarily endowed with good listening skills. I suggest that you find some other outlet for your desire to talk. Maybe internet forums. If you really want your wife to listen to your ideas, and rambling thoughts, you have a monumental challenge in front of you. Maybe you can talk to her about how you are trying to be a better listener, and ask her for pointers, with the hopes that she will develop the skills and interest to listen to you.
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Re: My Wife's Sex Dilemma

Postby sean » Wed Jan 08, 2014 6:48 am


As far as letting my wife vent is concerned. I let her vent all the time, sometimes too much. She is very opinionated and it is not hard for to vent....even if I don't want her to, she has to and will force it on me. As a matter of fact, I think most of the day in our 11 years of marriage she is venting at something. If its not about me, its about somebody else. Its always a justice issue and she is always right. I actually think I am a good listener, which she says is one of the things she likes about me (I listen and am patient), although I do like to talk as well. I just don't like to talk about emotional stuff all the time. I am an optimist and she is a pessimist, and sometimes I tell her I just want to enjoy life sometimes and not always look for the things that are unjust and be in an upheaval about it.

I read the thread about hyper-criticism, much of it is the same thing we are experiencing, although not everything.
She is hyper-critical, highly over-protective of both me and the kids, and likes to be in control.
As a matter of fact, she will fight not only me, but in almost every situation she is involved in, to be in control....or she will quit (which is why she doesn't work anymore).
I think it comes from being abused in the past and the need to feel in control so it doesn't happen again, at least thats where she says it comes from (she is very in touch with her present day needs because of experiences in the past, and many times leans on her past as if a crutch- although I don't tell her this, I do think it).
If someone has an issue with her and the way she behaves, she will explain her past and what she went through so they can excuse her.
Personally, I don't mind that. The only problem I have is she doesn't give the same grace to others that she always asks for.
This drives me mad more than anything else.
When she becomes hyper-critical of people with an oversense of justice sometimes, I will remind her that this same person gave her grace in a certain situation.
She then feels like I am taking that person's side and then get jealous of my relationship with that person (I know, it sounds crazy!).
When all I am doing is helping her to see she doesn't extend the same grace she always asks for and people gracefully do give.
She always wants me to be on her team in her tirades, and when I don't join her, she feels abandoned. Although I do listen to her and makes sure she knows I understand her.... I will not fight with her to tear another person down. I refuse to! She then communicates to me she feels unprotected.

The other issue is that she is always in crisis, since our first day of marriage (actually when we were dating to, and from what her parents told me throughout her whole life).
She has to make a mountain out of a molehill just to stay in a crisis.
Like our daughter didn't listen to I deal with it, discipline my daughter, etc.
She gets emotional, says, "where did we go wrong"....and gets so emotional about everything.
I'm like, this is life, this happens to everyone, lets discipline her calmly without emotions...its not a crisis.
She wants me to join her in crisis mode as well, and feels abandoned when I don't.
I want to be happy, I want to be joyful and optimistic, I don't always want to be in a crisis!
I will listen to her, but I want joiin her in her tirades. I don't want to fight with her. I will fight with her if its something really seriously. I have no problems fighting, but not everyday.

The first half of our marriage she was also struggling with suicidal thoughts and heavy depression.
And I am a happy go lucky optimistic joyful person in nature, you can imagine the culture class between us.
I can be a bit sometimes naiive, which she feels she has to be overprotective of me ( I believe the best about people until they prove me wrong).
She believes the worst about people until they gain her trust....two different approaches.

I am super-patient with her, which she always tells me that this is what keeps her going (my patience with her and love).
However, sometimes I go crazy inside (I don't show her, because she is so emotional all the time, and if I do tell her, it turns into a crisis for her).
I don't think she can handle emotionally what I am going through.
She isn't anymore, but the first half of our marriage, she was so emotional she was I just kept to myself about my issues.
WHenever I did bring up my issues, she would freak out and become a basketcase.
So I closed up....but now we have more communication...although I still don't tell her everything I feel because she is overwhelmed all the time.

I just don't know how to relate to someone who is overwhelmed all the time besides listening to them honestly.
I read marriage books before I got married, none of them prepared me for a person in depression, who was suicidal, a bit of a control freak, and overwhelmed 24/7.
I hear "I am overwhelmed" the last 11 years than anytime else in my life combined.
And I do everything to take pressure off of her. I work, she doesn't. I do the dishes, fold the laundry, take the more energetic kids away from her to play with them all the time, take off from work more than I really should, etc.
Those who watch us say I do too much around the house and I should let her do more.
Thats why she doesn't like company anymore, because they see her expectations of me (which are through the roof) and say something.
Its pretty obvious, and hard to hide.
She has a list from here to the new world of expectations of me, but can't handle any expectation of her.
She takes responsibility because she wants to and she decides what her role is (which changes all the time)....if I dare say I expect something of her....she freaks out.
She wants me to have no expectations of her. If I come home from work, and she has been all day at home alone without the kids, and there is a mess (which is most the time since she only cleans when she is not moody)....if I just even hint or go straight to the dishes, she takes it as criticism and high expectations.

Sometimes I think she is a spoiled brat!
She doesn't want to work, gets overwhelmed by the kids, wants me to do most of the cleaning, and she just needs "space and quiet" all the time so she can have her "peace."
Which she communicates is her #1 need and her drive is to achieve that all the time. But yet she never has any inner peace.

She does see a psychologist and is taking medecine. But her psychologist has this view of just encouraging her all the time, and never gives her any life coaching.

She has some strong points though. She takes care of the bills and knows how to be a shark in dealing with harsh Israeli beauracracy.
She is very compassionate at times.
She will stand up for our kids like a momma bear.
She enjoys beauracracy actually, way more than me..... which is why she takes care of the bills and doctors,etc...which is her major role.
Although she does waste way more money than me, and when I budget she says I am a cheapskate (yet when she makes the financial shots we are always in debt).
She spends over 600$ a month in vitamins, and I hint that we can't afford that, she says I am cheap and have a poverty mentality.
When the bank calls and says we are in debt, her answer is not spend less, but that I should make more or to go into our reserves.

She is also more organized than me, which makes her more on top of things when we have a discussion, but she is less organized in budget.
She almost doesn't want to know how much we are spending versus how much income, it overwhelms her. Yet she wants to call the shots on spending.
If I sit down to have a budget talk, she avoids it at all costs as being overwhelming emotionally.

Everything is overwhelming emotionallY!
I don't know how to communicate with that anymore!

When she wants to talk about something....suddenly she has lots of emotional energy and all day.
But if somethign is important to me, she is emotionally overwhelmed and "cant handle it now"....and years go by and the talk I wanted to have with her still can't be handled.

Sometimes I don't know is she uses it to manipulate me to be in control and get her way, or if she really is emotionally overwhelmed 24/7.... her parents told me she did the same thing to them growing up.

The last thing is prayer....we are Christians and she always sees everything as spiritual warfare. Instead of dealing with character issues and behavioral patterns, for her, everything is spritual warfare. This drives me nuts! Our sex life is spiritual warfare, our kids going through something is spiritual warfare....we need to rebuke masonic influence and this problem will be solved, etc. When I pray with her, she stops me from praying sometimes because it isn't spiritual enough and takes over. She feels like I don't protect her enough in prayer because I don't pray with the spiritual warfare methods she does. When we first got married she wanted me to anoint the house everyday to make sure demons didn't come in. When I said I am tired sometimes, she said I am not protecting her. For me, its almost paranoia. I love a matter of fact, I am a man of prayer. But I like praying to God in intimacy and regular prayers. I don't like rebuking imagined demons all the time.
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Re: My Wife's Sex Dilemma

Postby ThunderHorse » Thu Jan 09, 2014 4:08 am

To Sean on thread MY WIFE'S SEX DILEMMA, under Intimacy

You do not mention mastering the Boring Baroque response.

I let my wife say the prayers, as part of my allowing her to vent.

Your explaining a more optimistic point of view, or pointing out where some people she is criticizing have been accommodating to her, is a reward for her being illogical.

Reasoning with irrationality is logical, but it also counter-productive.

Blithering small talk is needed to avoid unintentionally rewarding overly critical remarks. Compliments sprinkled in are helpful.

Ideas for a Boring Baroque response, Blithering, Mumbling, Sing-Song, Platitudes for demands for prayers of protections from Demons.

"You understand the power of prayer for protecting our house from Demons, and you are good at praying for protection from Demons. It is important that we spend some time together in pray for protection from Demons. I appreciate your wisdom in your praying for protection of our house from Demons. I feel empowered when I am by your side as you pray for out household. Your prayers to protect the household seem to help us have a more successful life. Protecting our children is one of our top goals, so your prayers for protection are invaluable in achieving our goals. You understanding of the spiritual world contributes to our well being as a family."

Arguing with a person who is getting attention by being overly critical is a reward for the overly critical person, and unfortunately serves to perpetuate the overly critical behavior.

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