Does this look like infidelity?

Does this look like infidelity?

Postby NotSureWhatHappened » Thu Jan 09, 2014 8:05 am

My husband and I have been married 4 years and the marriage has been pretty rocky the whole time with significant job stress due to the economy and excessive alcohol use on his part. He finally got a new job (wall street type work) and started feeling good about himself and his career. Unfortunately the firm's culture included a lot of drinking and staying out late which he was doing regularly for months - not coming home until 12 -2 am and always drunk. I was not happy and it finally got to a breaking point in a confrontation where he said he was moving out and had gotten a lawyer. I found his comment of engaging a lawyer to be such a radical move given we hadn't even talked about separating that I thought something more must be at play. After we agreed to sleep on it I checked his phone. I've never done that type of thing before and I felt like I was hit by a ton of bricks by what I found. A colleague of his had hired a 27 year old fashion model to work at the firm and I discovered the following text message exchanges between them:

Husband: Battery about to die! Love
Her: Miss you love! I'll see you tomorrow beautiful!
Husband: Shhhhhhhhh...... Panda bears......
Her: Panda ears are new...
Husband: In a good way
Her: [Pic of a panda bear]
Husband: I'm going to sleep now. I love you. I know it's late but I can't help it. Love Love Love
[Next night - they must have met for dinner]
Her: You showed up today and that meant a world for me love. Thank you. We have our whole life ahead of us so I'm not worried. I love you, love of my life.
Him: [Pic of pig]
Him: It means I love you
Her: I mean, are you mocking me now? I've told you some pretty serious stuff about how much my family supports us and how I'm always by your side... Anyway, I did have a beautiful night with you tonight...
Her: I love you.
Her: Lover?
Her: Anyway, I still have something special for you and I'll give it to you when I see you
Her: Love, I cannot even sleep anymore... I wish you were next to me

I felt sick to my stomach when I found these messages and that it must have been my fault for not being supportive enough, so I talked him into staying and trying to work on the relationship. But I've never really felt confident since then. I do think after this discovery he cut off contact with her. I've confronted him several times over the past few months about this subject telling him I saw inappropriate text messages, and he swore up and down that there is no relationships with this women - they are just friends - he often tells his friends he loves them. I find that to be BS and it has taken me months to get to a point where I can now look at these messages dispassionately. We nearly separated over Thanksgiving - he left and I told him not to contact me - he signed a lease for a new place and then he came back 2 days later crying and showing some remorse about wanting to work on the relationship. I told him I would be willing to try counseling. We have been going for a few weeks now. I remain feeling in this place of indecision and doubt about whether I can trust this person or whether I even want to, while he is acting like the husband of the year - he's being attentive, kind, asking about my day, doing errands, etc etc - all the things I would have loved to have him do over the past several years but now I just look at him doing those things and feel nothing. If I really think about it I feel such a deep resrvoir of anger to him since if it has been so easy for him to make these changes now on the brink of divorce, why didn't he do them over the past few years when I kept asking him? While he is feeling good and making progress in counseling I am feeling progressively worse. I feel like I need to know what the nature of his relationship was with this women and a clear explanation for these messages before I can even get close to moving forward, but he has denied this to me for months. He won't answer the questions directly and when I bring it up now all he says is that was months ago and he never cheated. I'm just really ready to call it quits, as I don't see how I can trust someone who is repeatedly not answering when asked very directly about whether he had an affair, about the text messages, etc.

Please help - what do you as objective readers think of those messages? Is it ever possible to go forward if your partner does not admit anything improper happened? THanks for your help
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Re: Does this look like infidelity?

Postby ThunderHorse » Sat Jan 11, 2014 3:56 pm

How difficult would it be for you husband to change jobs?

Does your husband let you check his cell phone now?

Past indiscretions can serve to make a husband's resolve to keep the marriage vows. But are you willing to forgive the past, whatever it was, an focus on building trust for the future?

What could your husband do now, and in the future, that would give you more confidence in his devotion to the marriage vows?

Dr. Haltzman has a new book, SECRETS OF SURVIVING INFIDELITY. may help you manage your Anger. Jealousy is part of Love and marriage.

Is your anger affecting marital relations now?

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Joined: Mon Jul 31, 2006 6:10 pm

Re: Does this look like infidelity?

Postby mrstofubaby » Mon Feb 10, 2014 8:52 pm

Hi. If you're asking for an outside opinion if that looks like infidelity, yes to me it is.

I was in the same situation about four years ago. I have found out an exchange of text messages between a girl and my husband. He denied of course about they having a relationship. But I have cornered him and he admitted on it. He figured out he loves me more than this flirt so he ended it. Then destiny took over and he left the job. But, on his job after this, he did it again. He got intimate with someone on his work through this text messages (yes its a pain), and when I found out, I decided to let him go. But he stayed with me, willing to work on his faults and me on my own faults. It was a painful process but we got through it. But if I look deep inside, it still hurts until now. It had left a deep scar. But life must go on. He showed me number of times, he was sorry and he loves me.

Thunderhorse is right about changing the job. If he can, change jobs. Unless the job is more important than the marriage then, there's nothing to argue about.

Dr Haltzman's book Secrets of Surviving Infidelity is great on explaining some things to help you clear out the anger, to answer the lot's of why.

Hope you guys are better now since it's almost a month ago on your post.
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