My Husband has Become His Father, Struggling

My Husband has Become His Father, Struggling

Postby AVR1962 » Mon Sep 14, 2015 9:41 am

Husband and I have been married 23 years. It's been a bit of a struggle from the start. While I am the type that doesn't like to be suffocated, married before to a very insecure clingy man, husband has been quite detached much the way I have seen his father is (was) with husband's mom. I noticed early on that husband's dad had this attitude that the women in the family were nothings.....if MIL would make a request FIL might be silent while she was talking but then would not respond and went on like he was before with weather, basically ignoring her. I have pointed this out to my husband as he does the very same thing and it has caused issues. The kids (who are now gone except one) would go to him to ask something and he would not answer, continue to read his paper or whatever. I would tell him with one of our children standing right there, "Did you hear ______'s question? He needs an answer."

Now husband is walking like him, even shuffling his feet like his dad and my husband is only 54......there is no reason to be shuffling. My FIL is stiff and cannot hardly move his head without turning his body, husband is now doing the same. FIL always peers over his glasses to watch TV, now my husband won't take off his reading glasses and does the same to watch TV, and will even walk around he house with his reading glasses on.

Husband has always been one to gripe about the cost of this or that. He used to complain to the kids that they used too much milk and toilet paper. Whenever I have been without work, I have worked part time so I can care for the children and we have been military so I have short times of unemployment but when I am not working these issues get worse. Just this past weekend we were buying cell phones and our youngest said she wanted a smart phone. Typical response of husband, "How long you planning to stay at home?" What? We helped the other kids get on their feet and we're not going to help the youngest? He is an absolute penny pincher. But guess who bought the newest nicest cell phone with all the extras for himself? And this is also typical of husband. No one else can have anything but he can have whatever he wants. And don't dare question him or you will be ignored or get the beady-eyed hatred look. If you mention this to him he is innocent and then tells you h was only kidding about the cell phone to daughter.

Husband has TONS and I do mean TONS of nervous habits that drive me up the wall.....I actually have to walk away from him at times just so I can get some relief. He will sit at the computer and ever few seconds he is messing with his nose, rubs his face like he is petting it (like his dad), popping his neck, scratching his chest, straightening his arms, popping his toes and wiggling his ankles. It is like living with a grown man with ADD. He also picks up habits from other people o he will introduce a new habit about every 6 months, something that a coworker or a friend might do.....most recent is now he starts bobbing his head from side to side awkwardly when he hears music (a friend does this) and he has started snorting, sucking up snot, which one of his co workers does. I have discussed this with a counselor and he told me that a person's habits are one for the hardest things to deal with in a marriage. I told him that sometimes I have to just leave the room because I cannot take it and he said that was best. mentioning anything does not change anything and if anything makes things worse.

I think too he might be a little OCD. If I pack the trunk of the car he will take the bags out and repack it and tells me they fit better that way. They fit fine the way hey were. If I set the vacuum one way, he will always set it another way and that goes for almost anything, clippers, you name it. If I find a driving route and mention it to him he will make sure he does not take that route unless someone at work tells him it is the best route. For years I have dealt with a company for selling used items and I always referred to it as RYS. Husband recently sold his auto and instead of using my account to sell it, I have a membership he does not, he opened an account and then referred to the site by the company name rather than the site name RYS. He has to be completely different from me. He does not work well in every day situations.....we are trying to by a house right now and I have been looking at properties online. The only time he looks is if I ask him to look at a specific address. A realtor has been working with us and I have him show us 15 houses with a varied price range. Husband is saying how he likes this or that but then when it comes to actually committing then he is concerned for what we can afford. Here goes the penny pinching thing again. Trust me, we are not hurting, we can afford the more expensive houses we have looked at.

We are in the idle of a relocation right now so that is why the new cell phone service and house buying. We also had to buy a different car as we have come from overseas and had no transportation. Last time he bought himself an auto he paid big bucks off the lot and we had a large car see if it is for him it is ok, but knowing a car pmt could factor into his griping about finances I went with him, did he leg work myself. You see he doesn't like to shop around so he will see something and just take it. We got an amazing deal with my searching, one whee we are both happy.

I am extremely frustrated and do not know what to do anymore. As you can imagine there is no intimacy and do not even want husband to touch me. He wants to do his thing and he wants no interference from me. I really do not feel he even likes me. If I voice a frustration then he gets upset or points it out to me like it is a bad thing. He has to be right. We have to do things his way or he becomes silent or resistant. He does not like women in the work force with more rank than himself. I have mentioned this before and he claims it's not so but I see it. He is like his dad, woman are to lust over but beyond that they have no purpose it seems to me what I feel from husband.
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Re: My Husband has Become His Father, Struggling

Postby ThunderHorse » Sat Sep 19, 2015 4:54 pm

Dear AVR1962,

You have described a number of issues in your marriage.

It seems there are a number of things your husband does, that annoy you. You are in counseling, apparently without your husband.

Our counselor has advised you to avoid mentioning your complaints to your husband.

I agree that mentioning your complaints in a thoughtless, free flowing manner might make things worse.

It seems to me that you could select one issue to work on for a week or two, and find ways to approach the issue in a loving manner, at private times of likely receptivity.

You could post this week's issue on a forum, and seek advice, or research advice on similar topic threads.

You want to present the idea as a sandwich. First mention something you like about your husband, then mention the issue
you want changed, then mention something else you appreciate about your husband. Repeat every few days, looking for compromises.

You do not mention things you appreciate or like about your husband. I suggest you prepare to make sandwiches, by making lists of things you like about your husband. Things he is good at. What does he do on the computer?

Can you compliment your husband on the work he is doing? Does he help around the house? Can you ask your therapist for idea on how to make meaningful compliment to your husband? Compromises on his bad habits? Can you root for his sports teams? Can you agree with his opinions on TV sports? Can you agree with your husband wanting to save for retirement, but suggest exceptions for good value?

My wife likes me to use coupons and find sales. I mention to her when I use a coupon or find something on sale.

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Re: My Husband has Become His Father, Struggling

Postby AVR1962 » Mon Sep 21, 2015 2:17 pm

ThunderHorse, thank you for your reply. I like your counselor's idea of sandwiching. I have actually been in counseling without husband for 4 years. Just recently moved so currently not seeing anyone. Husband refuses counseling. We have gone in the past....personally I felt it was the only way husband would hear me at all and I feel we made progress but he feels differently. I can't help but think the reason he doesn't want to go is that the counselors see the issue and he just wants me to accept. He had quite a porn addiction that he lied about for years, we received counseling and while in the counselor's office he would confess and agree but once out he then told me that he didn't care what the counselor said, that he aw nothing wrong about seeking out naked celebrities on the internet. He then had 3 emotional affairs which again we were counseled for and once again he cried and confessed, admitted to pursuing these women and having sexual thoughts about them, and spending more time with them than engaging in the marriage. once out of the office he told me that as far as he was concerned they weren't emotional affairs, that it is perfectly natural for a man to think sexual thoughts when he sees an attractive woman.

Husband and I yesterday talked about the habit stuff, he doesn't see it so in his book it is not an issue.

No, I am not a sports enthusiast and have no desire to cheer on my husband's favorite team. I just leave him to his football stuff.....just like his dad who would lean in his chair like he was helping the guy down the field, my husband now does the very same thing. Can say that never in my life have I witnessed this until meeting this family.

Things have taken yet another turn since my original post a few days ago. We recently moved from overseas where we own our house. The sale of our house there should be final any day and then we will have funds to invest in another home here. Husband for months no has been saying we need to invest the money for tax purposes so I have now for months been looking at properties where we are. This weekend he told me he wasn't sure he wanted us to buy, he reasons......I don't want you to say you want to leave here in 6 months, nor do I want to buy a home and have you kick me out or you file for divorce. Interesting reasoning! It was my husband that kicked his first wife out of their home. I have absolutely no desire to return to Europe but I do know how much my husband didn't want to leave so it makes me wonder if he has plans but he is placing this on me.

My husband is one HUGE contradiction of himself and it can be absolutely mind boggling!
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