I can't look at my husband!

[cookie]

I don't know what to do about this. I know it's not fair, but sometimes I just can't look at my husband because he looks and acts like his father.

I hate his father because he's always tried to interfere in our marriage. After 15 years of ignoring things, or warning my father in law when he's crossed the line, everything just exploded. My father in law complained to my husband that I wasn't obedient to him. He complained that I won't kiss him. He didn't like how I disciplined my male children, how I ran my house, that I handled finances, etc. My husband said nothing. Needless to say, I was angry with him about this.

That incident happened about 3 years ago. Since then, my husband has realised that he should have stood up to his father and stood up for me. But he's yet to do that. Our marriage seems to be good all around except for the inlaws. The only problem is when he's interested in becoming intimate, he makes this face that looks like his father and I just want to puke. Or give him a good kick. I don't know how to get over this.

[Scott Haltzman]

Hi Cookie,

The way you describe the problem, it sounds like your husband has 2 problems. 1) he did not support you against his father, for which he's asked forgiveness and 2) he reminds you of his father.

You've also got some problems: you can't get the image of his father out of your mind, and you've shut yourself off sexually.

What I'm struck with above all is that, in general, you care for and respect your husband. Do you think your approach that you've been engaging in over the last 3 years (shutting down sexually) will draw your husband closer to you, or drive him further away? (I think you know the answer).

People in loving committed relationships must overcome may barriers to physical connection that they didn't anticipate when they were dating. The wonder of being human is that we can use creativity and imagination to overcome potential barriers.

What have you tried to do to get over this mental block against connecting with your husband?

Scott


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[cookie]

I've tried to get past this in a few ways:

I'm working on forgiving my husband because he can't really stand up to his parents. He was raised to be obedient and to never talk back. He doesn't know how to establish a boundary without seeing it as disobedient. I'm hoping that understanding where he is will help me. Sometimes I am afraid that he'll hold the bad relationship with his family against me.

I'm working on forgiving my father-in-law. It would seem that his refusal to have anything to do with us would make it easier, but it makes it more difficult. I have to forgive him to get rid of my own bitterness and anger. That's difficult to do when the other person still clings to theirs.

I've tried to get more alone time with my husband so that we can reconnect as a couple. With our children and our crazy work schedules, we are rarely awake at the same time in the bedroom. I think that if we can do things as a couple, I'll see him for who he is, not who he resembles.

When it comes down to intimacy, I make sure he's satisfied. We are intimate, and have been intimate, over the last 3 years with our normal frequency. I have only denied my husband once because of this, when it really caught me off-gaurd. Most times I try to control the thoughts. I never let him know the real reason why I'm not into it. He just thinks I'm tired. Since then, I've suggested that we have the lights out. I've initiated at times when I am more open and interested in sex.

What more can I be doing?

[Coder]

It's good to know your doing so much, especially keeping a ritual of itimacy around. Once physical intimacy goes down (at least for me), many marriage problems errupt... I guess it's the old saying.. when sex is good, it's about 10% of your marriage.. when it's bad (not happening, etc), it's 90%...

I certainly wouldn't go as far as to say it's the bedrock, but it's one of the vital things that seperate roomates and life partners.

btw: I'm obviously not a doctor, just posting my thoughts as a married man, not a professional.

As for the inlaws... First, your husband probably feels trapped in between.. Sometimes, some issues while they wouldn't normally be big, are huge to you because you have such a long, bad history with his inlaws that any little thing could tick you off (I'm assuming here, of course... we just get shorter fuses with people we don't like).

He really needs to sit down with them (perhaps all of you) and have a talk. I would even treat it like a business meeting. You have a goal of these things ie:

A) Discuss why there is friction
B) What affects the friction has on each person and most importantly, the children.
C) What action items can each person commit to, in order to reduce the friction.

etc...

You, him and your children are his #1 family now. You guys want the inlaws to be a part of your lives and your grandchildren's lives, but if they are causing friction, he needs to tell them that he must side with his wife/kids. I think pushing them out is a bad thing (usually), but boundaries must be set up. They may not be mature enough to handle that though, and thus, after much communication on the topic, real boundaries may need to be established.

The goal is for everyone to get along, and for none of this negativity to affect the children. If everyone cares about them, they will swallow their pride and work it out, or they will get out.

I wish you luck! Sounds like your trying hard, keep trying...

[first year]

Coder,

A lot of what you said really struck me. If you've read a lot of my posts, I've talked about how unhappy my wife is, even though she says that I'm a great husband and she should love me for that. But the passions gone, the love's gone and most importantly what I failed to mention, the sex is gone. We're rarely intimate on a physical or mental level these days and i think that plays a big part as to why there's no passion or love between us.

It's not really my problem, I'd love to have sex with her daily if possible, which is what we use to do in the past. But after a year i guess it got boring for her and now she doesn't like to have it. We're seriously down to about once a month. The problem is, she doesn't want to do it anymore, so how can I ignite the passion and love, if she doesn't even want to be intimate? Does she just have to do it and hopefully it'll ignite something? Or maybe do we have to 'change it up'? For people who do have sex regularly, do you guys do something different, role play, videos, or is it pretty much the same thing everytime and it's great everytime?

I really think this is our biggest problem in our relationship. She's not sexually satisfied. Because of that, no matter how good of a husband I am she'll never been fully happy. Coder, you said:

"I guess it's the old saying.. when sex is good, it's about 10% of your marriage.. when it's bad (not happening, etc), it's 90%... "

If everything in our marriage is good, besides the intamacy and the sex, then that's 90%... What are your thoughts?

Sad guy