wife feels hurt for wrong reason

[husband]

Hi,

My wife and I have been married for 11 years. What follows is a problem we have had since just about the beginning...

Call it a fear of intimacy or low sex drive, but I have trouble initiating sex. My wife refuses to start anything anymore because she feels if she makes any type of overtones and I don't pick up on them, I am turning her down because I don't find her attractive.

Consequently, I am more confused now. She doesn't want what she calls pity sex so I am more afraid to initiate thinking she'll just think I'm doing it because I have to (that is not the case!)

Understand we both have huge personal problems; I with self confidence and she with self confidence and unrealistic picture of herself. she is a little on the heavy side, but that is not what causes me to have problems initiating.

My question: how can i make it clear to her that this is my problem? I've pleaded with her and explained my feelings over and over. She just won't accept my explaination and our marrige is in a critical state because of this.

please help! I don't want this marrige to fail, I love my wife with all my heart.

Thanks

[elizacol]

Ok, 2 things come to mind.

Have you read any of Dr. Laura's advice to women? You could actually apply some of her advice. Dr. Laura's advice to women is that they should never rebuff their husband's advances.

You: IF your wife initiates DON'T rebuff her. Ever. Take it for what it is and enjoy it. Do you know how many men complain that their wives NEVER initiate sex????? So, learn to read her overtones and go with it each and every time. Funny, I thought men jumped all over any type of overtone.

Her: She needs to do the same. IF you initiate, then SHE needs to go with it. Always. Every single time. Forget the bull of imagining some hidden meaning behind the initiating and just enjoy it. Period.

You 2 have fallen into a circular little game and it is up to 1 of you to put a stop to it. She's not the one here on the forum, asking the question, so tag...YOU'RE IT.

Quit worrrying about what she's thinking.

Have a serious conversation with her about stopping this tit for tat. Forget the self-esteem issues and just enjoy your sex lives.

This, coming from someone who once didn't think much of sex and now wonders how she could have ever felt that way. The more you have it, the more you are going to enjoy it and the quicker you're going to lose those barriers you both keep putting up.

[ThunderHorse]

Typos corrected version

Dear Husband,

What do you mean by hesitating to initiate in sex?

I am having trouble envisioning your patterns of foreplay.

If not enough time has gone by since my last relations, then I am slow to get going. Is there a problem with not enough time between episodes?

My wife rejects me frequently. How do you handle rejections? I back off immediately, and leave her alone, but not in an unfriendly way. I wait for a while, 3 to 7 minutes, and start over someplace else.

My theory is that my wife should appreciate that I tried.

It is not pleasant being rejected. But it may be a method to come on to your wife more often, so you don't have to deal with he concept of Pity Sex.

What is it you explained to your wife? Have you asked her to be more respectful to you? Have you listed out the ways in which you would like your wife to be more respectful to you?

Are you using as many avenues to express Love your wife as possible?

Couple

Closeness
Openness
Understanding
Peacemaking
Loyalty
Esteem

What are you doing to try to be more loving to your wife?