by ThunderHorse » Sat Jun 16, 2007 4:10 pm
Dr. Haltzman has has an excellent section in the SECRETS book on a stimulating atmosphere in the marital bedroom. You don't seem to mention how the atmosphere in the marital bedroom compares with Dr. Haltzman's suggestions. Have you ever asked your husband how the marital bedroom could be re-arranged to make him feel more comfortable with marital relations?
You also do not mention privacy and noise screening. I have gotten shushed by my wife when the kids were living with us. Really put a damper on my enjoyment.
Respect from you and the youngsters, as a team, is important for setting the atmosphere of respect in a marriage. Kids find ways to deliver digs to Dad. List some examples. How did you handle the kid's disrespect to DAD? Have you been careful to make any suggestions bordering on disrespect to Dad, to Dad privately? My wife is very careless about making insulting suggestions to me in front of the kids.
You do not mention the time limitations you place on advances. Often women expect advances at certain times, and forget that their man has made advances but has been rejected, or not received go-ahead signals, so he does not try at the times he wants it, any more.
You said you give your husband a test by asking him to move out. You were disappointed when he said OK. If you want more Love, get on the Energizing cycle. Telling your husband to move out is on the De-Energizing or Crazy Cycle. Undercutting your husband's self esteem is not the way to build love. Search loveandrespect.
If you want an improved relationship with your man, I suggest you start with breakfast. Most women desire a relationship in the evening. Accommodations by a woman at breakfast are important to many men. What time does your man like to eat breakfast? How can you arrange to meet him for breakfast? If you are in competition with other women, then you can probably win easily by improving the accommodations you provide at breakfast time.
You seem to be expecting your woman's intuition to guide you in a relationship with your man. There is a nice song, "I did it my way." This implies that your intuition will give you good guidance. One of the basic principles of loveandresepct is that women and men really don't understand each other, and most women have very little idea of how to do simple things to make a relationship with a man work much better.
If you want a better relationship with your man, work on the Energizing cycle by finding ways to give him more Respect..
Respect is CHAIRS
Conquest, (Work and Hobbies, Interests) How have you expressed admiration for you man's work? His favorite sports team? His other hobbies
Hierarchy (His grading of who is more important) How have you expressed
appreciation for his judgement about who in his opinion is more or less important? Have you tried to give more respect to the people he feels deserve more respect.
Authority (Control over certain issues) Are you more concerned with having a father for your child, or with letting your man decide those issues of concern to him? What to have for dinner? What to watch on TV? What time to turn the lights out? What brand of toothpaste to buy? Wha ttiem to put the children to bed?
Intuition (His ability to give political and religious opinions) When did you ask his opinion on an election or public policy? When did you tell him you respect his values on Religion?
Relationship (Your going with him where he wants to go) When did you offer to go with him when he was going someplace you did not want to go, just to be with him, not saying or doing anything, just supporting him as his woman?
Sexuality. Have you asked your man how he might like some creative accommodations? Have you researched the options together?
Are you asking for the Love to which you are entitled? Do you know what Real Love is? The Love you deserve and probably desire is outlined in loveandrespect as COUPLE
Closeness
Openess
Understanding
Peacemaking
Loyalty
Esteem
Have you recognized and appreciated the many aspects of Love that your description leads me to believe is there from your husband?
Please tell me where I am wrong. What am I missing?
I lost my original post, but this is close to what I said.
Your decision to become a single mother is not really a great idea statistically. Your children are much more likely to end up in trouble. How do you expect your children to respect authority, avoid alcohol, drugs, violence, cigarettes, and other bad influences, when you seem to worship your impulses? If you are having trouble controlling your impulses, you might check out some ADHD sites.
If you want to join your husband in some meaningful self-improvement, there are many parenting courses and tapes on parenting. This seems to all be about You, rather than the challenge you face of raising responsible children.