For all you wifes out there

[first year]

My wife told me last night that I'm a great husband. I'm always there for her, I give her what she wants and for all that she should be in love with me. But she's not. The passions gone, she feels like we're just friends and she feels pressured and trapped in the marriage even though she says I don't pressure her or trap her. She said she would've rather just been in a long term relationship without getting married and questioned, 'why do people even get married'. Because of the way she feels, she wants out. She refuses to be in a luke-warm relationship. She wants to be in a head over heels, passionate, heart throbbing marriage. Who wouldn't want to be?

I've tried to reason with her telling her that this is just a 'valley' in the ups and downs of marriage. She's very skeptical because we're in our first year of marriage and it should be 'good' right now. I've told her to be patient, that the love we felt when we first started dating would come back, that we'd survive this valley and we'll reap the benefits soon after enduring this difficult time.

For all you wives out there who have ever felt this way, please tell me that it gets better. Please tell me that you've had a husband like me and that you felt like leaving because the passion was gone, and you thought it would be impossible to love him again, but you stuck with it and endured through the valley and the passion and love is there once again. I'd love to hear your story.

Thanks

Sad guy

[Cat]

Sad guy,

I wish I'd heard more people being honest about the first year of marriage before we got married. My sister-in-law, thankfully, had honestly told me that their first year of marriage had been tough--she even wondered how anyone would marry if they had lived together before marriage. She felt, without the committment, few would stick it through. I'm glad she told me that, because it's very disheartening in the first several months of marriage to wonder if you've made a mistake, all the while thinking that this "ought" to be the honeymoon period. The faulty logic is, if it's bad now, it will only get worse. This is because the world tells us that's how marriage goes--it starts out great and then gradually mellows out and I suppose everyone just hopes that their hormones will peter out as well so it won't matter as much to them as the whole thing atrophes.

Well, I think the world is lying. The first year is hard for a lot of people--probably most--because it's such a big adjustment. The first year can also be hard because there are often other big adjustments that are stresful in their own right--new homes, moves, new jobs, money issues, etc. So, no, the fact that your wife feels anxious and worried and disapointed in marriage does not mean that your marriage is necessarily a bad one. However, you are right to pay attention to her feelings--they need to be adressed directly.

I'm not sure what a professional's advice would be, but one thing that occurs to me, is that your wife could probably really benefit from your leadership right now. If she tells you her fears, and then sees her fears reflected in your face, it could just be confirming all her worst ideas. Even though you're obviously not feeling very confident right now, I think your strength and confidence could go a long way toward encouraging her. This doesn't mean dismissing the problem, but approaching it with a can-do, I'm-going-to-fix-this, we-are-going-to-come-through-this, you-can-count-on-me attitude. That is going to win you her respect. Imagine that you're lost in the woods right now and she's terrified and thinks the whole trip was a mistake, and you're probably pretty scared too, but you have to be strong for her and give her hope and find a way out--imagine how great you're going to feel on the other side when you've come through for her and feed on that feeling instead of your worst fears of failure. Confidence is attractive and women really need that from their husbands, otherwise we think we've got to row this boat alone and that's overwhelming--we don't have as much upper-body strength.

You mentioned passion--I think what women are often saying when they talk about passion is how their husbands make them feel about themselves--this is primarily emotional, but translates directly to the bedroom. A lot of guys seem to focus on techniques, but I'm guessing what she wants is to feel like the sexiest woman in the world. She wants to hear from you in so many words exactly how she is sexy--not "just right" for you, but how she's the sort of woman that men go gaga for. This is building her confidence--there is a 13 year old girl deep inside of every woman who's not very condifent in her body--you've got to shut the 13-year-old up.

Now that she's married she can only really get that from you; you have to do the job of all the men who used to flirt with her. It's a tall order to fill--or so my husband tells me--but this is your mission, should you choose to accept it. You can do this in so many ways--spend a little time poking around the net looking for tips--there's no end to the resources. But do it in a way that's most natural for you, and do it with confidence.

Good luck

[nmyers]

After 7 years of marriage I had fantasies about someone. I mistakenly told my husband and he had a tough time with it. He cried, called me several times a day at work and just sat on the phone not saying anything. I have to say I never imagined what I was putting him through. Then about 4 years ago, I found he was posting pictures on one of the popular blog sights, he had several pretty trashy, young women in his contact list. He even posted a blog about wanting to sleep with and "asian" girl, one of his contacts just happened to be asian. He was really defensive and told me I was over reacting. I still to this day don't think I was. We have been married 17 years and it's a lot of work. You do go through ups and downs, we are in a down right now. But I know it will change. We have to remember that as we grow older, we change, and the changes we both go through may not always click, but will even out eventually.