I have been married for 30 years. It's the second marriage for both of us, and we have two adult children. For the first few years, things went reasonably well, and we moved to Canada from Europe. In the mid 80s I disclosed, first to a therapist, and then to my wife, that I had been severly sexually abused as a child. My wife's reaction was at first luke warm, but soon turned dismissive. We continued like this for several years until I left her and went to live by myself to lick my wounds, get more therapy, and hopefully to heal. After a separation of some 7 years we reconciled and I moved back in with her.
The therapy that I had received whilst away had given me a great deal of insight into the problems in my marriage - some my fault, some my wife's. Several years later, she was diagnosed with breast cancer and underwent a course of treatment. She is currently in remission. However, the problems in my marriage only got worse. My wife suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder, which in her case is manifested by uncontrollable outbursts ("psychotic rages" my shrink calls them), extreme paranoia, and emotional cruelty. She saw a psychiatrist for a while, but he eventually refused to see her again when he felt threatened by her.
I am in my late 50s and my wife is in her early 60s. I don't want to give up on my marriage, but I can't seem to build any sort of connection to my wife. Both of my kids assure me that she loves me, but after hearing all the vile and hurtful things that that she has put my way over the past ten years I find it hard to believe.
Separation or divorce is not really an option since I work in an industry that is slowly dying due to technological change, and my meager income barely covers the bills. To complicate matters my business relationship with her family amounts to a sizeable proportion of my income, and this would be lost in the event of a separation. The nature of the business makes replacing this potentially lost income almost impossible. I also fear the loss of my kids and my grandchild.
All this is a powerful incentive to try to work things out, but nothing I have tried to date has worked. Marriage counselling is also out as she has rejected the idea before and has been adamant that if there's anything wrong with the marriage it's my fault, and that it's up to me (alone) to fix it.
HELP!