How do I get her to try?

[lostintranslation]

I have read several books on marriage. I have ordered your book as well. My question is this, how do I get my wife to try to make the marriage better?

I was a selfish husband for many years. I never cheated in any way, I just did what I wanted and neglected her. She put up with me and now 11 years into the marriage I am finally making an effort. I am reading books, going to the his needs her needs classes. Kevin Lehman's class. She never gets interested in any of it. I have my flaws, but I cant seem to get her to get interested in trying to make things better. She promises she will try but nothing ever changes. Everytime I bring up one of these marriage books she just shrugs it off saying "it's just gonna tell me to have more sex with you, they all do" It is as if she has given up.

How do I get through to her that I want to make things better for us? I feel like I am making all the effort, but I know she probably felt that way for a long time. I have no right after all this time to demand she try, but I would really like it.

How do I get her motivated about our marriage?

[lostintranslation]

I realize I left out some info.

Our problems are the same as most married couples, just lost that spark, no intimacy, no romance, we just are a married couple that divides up the chores everyday, watch some TV and fall asleep. We will fight every now and then usually about different things. She hasn't cheated nor do I think she ever would. I feel like we just kinda live together.

Two kids both under 10

[elizacol]

You can't change her. You can only change yourself. So...Be The Change You Wish To See In Your Marriage.

By your own admission, you did what you wanted for 11 years. That's a lot of years to overcome. It won't happen overnight.

Be consistent with your changes, if you have, indeed made them. Give it and her time. Don't base your changes on her reactions to them. Change because it is the right thing to do. Because in doing so, YOU will be a better person.

It took months of my being consistent in my actions before my H finally decided I was serious, and before he was willing to try again.

It may take months for you and your wife, as well.
Be patient. Quit trying to make her read books, go to seminars, etc. Go because you want to, not because you want your wife to. Learn from them, and apply them. Hopefully, it is not too late, and she will see the changes and begin seeing what she has to lose.

As for the monotony of marriage...once you do the above, and she starts responding, then make it a point to spice up your marriage.

Good luck and kudos to you for not giving up and/or turning to someone else (another woman). That says a lot about your character. Always remember, there is always hope. Just do what you have to do.

[Hremom]

Don't hand her books and suggest classes, SHOW HER through your actions that you are learning and changing. SHOW HER through your actions and interest in her day to day life that you want to improve the intimacy through your words and actions.

And yes, it's going to take time. She's going to want proof that this is more than a passing fancy of yours.

Ask her out on a date. Already have a babysitter and a plan. Doesn't have to be romantic. Did you used to play mini-golf before you married? Is there a concert coming to town you know she'd like to see? And just do it to have fun with her, if you start having fun again, odds are intimacy will follow.

Also, something that really works for me, arrainge family fun nights too. Again, you plan it, take the kids bowling, or to the a movie or even a picnic in the park, but for the first few times plan it all by yourself and just issue the invite....i.e. "Hey, how about we go bowling this afternoon? We can do yard work tomorrow."

Basically, life is more than dividing household chores. It's more than just doing what you want when you want. It's about building memories and shared interested together.