need to be desired

[karenann]

My husband and I have been married for 14 years. Over the course of our marriage we have become very distant. We both have felt this for several years. We are still decent to each other, being considerate and trying to do nice things for each other, but it just doesn't seem to be enough. I do have a great need or desire to be wanted and he doesn't make me feel that way. He's not a very touchy-feely sort of guy and this is something I really desire. Because I don't feel wanted I have lashed out on him in other unproductive ways. I have grown to distrust him and question him about his daily activity's like I'm searching for some sort of infidelity.I guess if he doesn't want me he must be interested in someone else. This has definitly cause him to stop talking to me about what's going on in his life and has pushed him farther away emotionally. He has gotten himself into some emotional situations with other women, but I believe him when he says they never went any further than words. It still hurts though. I don't like being this way, but when I try to feel the opposite I feel resentment; like I'm not allowed to be myself. Any suggestions or advice on this situation? How do I accept my husband for who is is and still feel wanted and desired? or can I?

[Scott Haltzman]

Well, it's a cycle, don't you know.

You sound as if your guy has something that you want, and you're frustrated because he won't give it to you. Then, you act in ways that push him away. "Because I don't feel wanted I have lashed out on him in other unproductive ways." Then, he's more distant. Funny thing is, while you see him as being pretty impaired in the ability to make himself emotionally available, other women seem to think he's got something to offer.

So, either 1) those other women are stupid and can't see that your man genuinely has nothing to offer, or 2) those women are happy enough with what your husband has to offer, and like him for who he is or 3) in the context of new "friends" he is able to offer more of himself to other people.

Let's work on the premise that (1) is not correct--that that many other women can't be that stupid, and that you also weren't entirely stupid when you chose this guy to be your lifetime mate.

That leaves (2) and (3).

Now, looking at it that way, you, too, can find yourself in the position of those admiring women! First, recognize that, at baseline, your man may not be able to meet all (or most) of your emotional needs all (or most) of the time. He's got great qualities (since I don't know him, I can't tell you what they are, but you have an idea...good with kids? Great at investing? Good a driving when you get to a new city? Can sing a great rendition of Aerosmith?) but one of the areas that he doesn't always meet your expectations with is his ability to open emotionally. I'll bet (still not knowing him) that he desires to be close to you emotionally. So, solution to (2) is to accept him, good and bad and don't make him feel like he's incompetent. (That's a killer for guys).

Why is he charming for other women? Because they bat their eyes at him and make him king of the hill. Disgusting! How dare they!! But, what's his response? He actually lights up around them, and, moreover, he opens up emotionally. You want him to act around you the way he does around them? Try batting your eyes and making him feel like king of the hill. He won't be able to wait to come home to you!

Many people withhold giving what they should to their relationship because they're either angry at their partner, or wait for him to make the first move. You wrote to this forum...it's in your hands to make things better!

Good luck!



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[karenann]

Thanks for the quick reply!
I know I have to stop giving him the third degree. That would be a great start, but putting that issue aside, I do bat my eyes at him. I give him kisses, soft touches or quick massages when he's at the computer. I tell him how good of a job he is doing at work, or how proud I am for how hard he is working at his biking and running activities. I do numerous things for him to make his life easier to show him I care. I would think that those things would make him feel good about himself. So, why am I still at the bottom of his prioprity list? Sometimes I feel that the humdrum activities of everyday life seems to get in the way. He doesn't live with these other women who find him so attractive so the relationship with them is so different. We have to deal with the daily grind of real life and real life issues and that can be pretty unromantic.

[Scott Haltzman]

It sounds like there is a lot of positive there. So 1) is the positive to negative interaction ration 5:1 minimum and 2) do the things that you do to make him feel special speak to his specific needs (as I say in my Happily Married Men book, is it in his "currency"?).

You discussed how he has shut down. How are your listening skills? How would he say they are?

Please remember: THE SITE DOES NOT PROVIDE MEDICAL ADVICE. The information about relationship, emotional, psychiatric, psychological disorders and treatments diseases contained on this website or through e-mail correspondence is general in nature and is intended for use as an educational and reference. NOTHING CONTAINED IN THE SERVICE IS INTENDED TO BE FOR MEDICAL DIAGNOSIS OR TREATMENT

[ThunderHorse]

I try to show my wife affection. I have been married for some 30 years. I try to give her a caress as I go by her, when we are in private. Just some 3 second contact, indicating affection.

When you say your husband is not touchy-feely, what would you like to see from him?

I used to avoid caressing my wife, as a way to show respect to my wife.

I had a young woman tell me, in a relatinship before I was married, that, "We never kiss anymore." I started to explain our other relationship qualities, and kissed her, and then I stopped talking and started kissing more often. Just casually.

You might approach a conversation, by, "I really appreciate the high level of respect that you show me. I wanted to be sure that I was not giving you the wrong signals, because I would also appreciate some little spice, once in a while. For instance when you come home, could we.....? When I am watching TV, could you? When I am cooking or washing the dishes, could you...?"

I caress my wife's lower, supporting section of her bra, or the lower and side of her rump. Do you have some further ideas for me?

It is irritating to me when people say, "Just talk to your spouse!" I need to think of approach lines, to bring up the subjecgt, and back off lines, so I can gracefully back off the subject, if I get an emtional volcano response. So discussing approach and back-off phrases, is an important step to initiating a conversation with my wife, for me.



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[karenann]

Thanks fo the reply Thunderhorse. It's nice to get some others point of view. I have told my husband things I would like to see happen, like him NOT talking on his cell phone to his friends as he walks through the door after work. I've been looking forward to seeing him all day and he'll lift his head at me and continue talking for 20-30 mins sometimes. I havn't even had a kiss hello, and when he gets off it's a quick peck. That makes me feel like he's not happy to see me or be home. I told him this once and now he sits in his car until the call is done. Totally not the point I was trying to convey. He doesn't initiate any intimacy in public (kisses, hugs, touching, holding hands)and usually at home only when he wants to have sex. When we go out in public he acts like I'm his little sister that was forced to take me with him. I just don't get the feeling that he is proud to be with me. I'm certainly not ugly. I guess I really don't understand why I have to ask him for it time and time again. I would think that he would want to be with me and show it. He'll make time to go visit friends but will act like it's a big deal if I talk about going on vacation together. IF we are out with friends he is fine, but he acts like he can't stand to be alone with me. I have asked him what he wants from me but never get a straight answer. I am at my wits end. I feel so alone.
Anyway, it sounds like you are being quite considerate with your wife. 30 years is something to be proud of! The one thing I can tell you that would make me feel like a queen is being appreciated and loved in public. If my husband grabed me and kissed me in the middle of the bar or restaurant we were out to, especially if we were out with friends. I would love it. I guess it's just that huge self-esteem boost you get. It's nice to do things in private but when you do them in public you are telling the world how much she means to you. Knowing it's hard for men to do that makes it even more special.

[ThunderHorse]

So affection in public is one problem.

Trial Assumption No 1. Is he afraid of something? He does not want to give you affection in public. He won't even talk about it?

NLP approach. We assume he has a bad movie in his mind. Giving you affection, in public, will expose him to some ridicule, or other bad feeling.

NLP Movie analysis. Play the movie slowly, play it backwards.

Incorrect example: Husband believes that if he shows affection to you, in public, that this wil diplay weakness, and he will get beten up, or he wil lose you.

To H:

Envison that we have just kissed in public, and some people have seen us kiss. What do suppose might happen next? What about after that? What about later, after that?, etc?

Now, can we create a new move? Imagine that you kss me, people seee us, I am more happy, and you are respected by everyone who has seen us display love? What needs to be added?



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