I don't want my common law husband to touch me

[boredwife]

I have always been an extremely sexually driven women and when I started dating my spouse we were extremely sexual.

However after we bought our house together my mother became very ill, I spent many hours at the hospital and taking care of my father. I also had a young son (from a previous relationship) and was looking for work. I finally got a job and my mother started to get better (it was short lived unfortunately however).

I realized we had not had a lot of intamacy however with the hours I was putting in I just didn't have it in me, plus it seemed every time we tried the phone would ring and I would be off to the hopital again. All of a sudden after a fight one night he said about splitting up, I felt this came out of nowhere and was frightened. So I began doing all the little things we used to do and spent more time at home.

After a few weeks of this we were back to having sex multiple times a day and snuggling and wanting to be together. Then he just left.

I fought hard to get him back and after 9 months apart we got back together, unfortunately I had busted him in several lies in that period and asked him if there was anything else I should know, he said there wasn't, and I said "ok, because I couldn't handle anything more".

Well 3 months into our new relationship (with a good sexual connection and emotional relationship) I found out about his affair while we were together. I also found out the things he had said and done RIGHT before and after having sex with me, even to the point of letting this women talk to my son.

I ended up having a nervous breakdown and being taken off work, I was down to 88 pounds. My mother had remained in the hospital for almost 2 years at this point, I had been laid off from work 2 weeks before she went into the hospital and this just put me over the top.

Well I was about to end it as the connection and trust was gone, however I found out I was now pregnant.

Well that child is 2 now and we have had sex maybe 3 times in the last year and a half (and it wasn't anything exciting) and have maybe french kisses twice (in one night). I don't even really want him to hug me and don't even like to kiss him. I am extremely sexually frustrated and would love to feel that spark again, I just don't have the connection with him. I also think it hurts because when we met I had no attraction to him, I only became attracted as I grew to know him and I feel in love with his honesty, compasion and the way he was there for me. The men I dated while we were apart were more "manly" men.

We did try counselling but due to my breakdown we were told they wouldn't do couple counselling until I was in a better state of mind. Well for the most part I am, however much of my bitterness, anger and such has to do with him.

He has moved out a few times since we have been back together (my doing) but my son missed him so I let him come back.

But now I feel it has been 3 years and nothing has changed, what can I do???

[ThunderHorse]

Surviving an Affair is one book.

It sounds like you were doing the right things to avoid an affair, yet it happened.

Asking for things to help yourman be faithful to you, seems like an option. I used to think that if there was love, that faithfulnes would follow.

What habits do you feel get your Man in trouble with cheating?

What are the aspects of Satiation for your Man, and how can you help him satiate his wander lust? Maybe different colord bras, for a different color each day?

Chapter 10 of the Men's secrets book is about a wife finding out what is important to her Man. Can you use this thread to develop questions to discover your Man's innermost desires?




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[ThunderHorse]

His cheating may not really be about you. If you try to recognize his good points, and look for other needs to fulfill, maybe that is all you can do. It would be nice if your man would be able to stop cheating, but some people are weak in that area.

The lies can be hurtful. However, the lies about cheating are lies trying to be considerate to your feelings. So those like may not be evil. How are other parts of his behaviour? How does he do with money?


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[ThunderHorse]

It seems that his cheating has hurt you deply.

What phrases have you used to discuss your requests for him to stop cheating?

What phrases do you use to remind him that his cheating hurts you deeply?

What prhases do you use to ask your Man for Assurances of where he is, and what he is doing?

What assurances would you like to receive about his being faithful to you?

What can your Man do today, tomorrow, next week, to earn your trust for the future?

When is a good time to remind him not to cheat?

When is a bad time to discuss his cheating?

What do you want your man to keep secret from your son?

What do you need to forgive your man, so you can put aside your concern about his cheating, in the past?

How can you balance your being generous to your man, with asking that your needs be met?

What are your expectations of your man now?

What stages of acceptance can you create to incentivize his good behavior? What can be done with what promise? How can promises be verified as kept?

How can you have confidence that his prmises are being kept?

Have you discussed your sense of family Honor, and familyShame? What would make you feel proud as a Woman? As a Mother?

What can yhou ask your husband to tell other women? Not to tell other women?

Does he wear a wedding band? Why not?

I personally make it a rule to avoid telling any other woman anything negative about my wife. Once I strat elling a woman anything negative about my wife, they exagerate it in their mind, to that I am ready to leave my wife. Once another woman has it in thier mind that I might leave my wife, their ethics are out the window.

Usually, women who think that I am committed to my wife, and have no valid reason to leave my wife, will avoid flirting with me. I have, in thepast, confided in a woman, aboujt my feelings of unmet desires inmy marriage, and flirting started, and I had to end the discussions of my wife, and most everything else.

Have you asked your husband for a list of puffing statements, so he can call you and say, "I would like to hear some puffing statements, do you have a minute?"

You can reply, "You are a great man. You deserve all the blessings from God and Fate. You help with ABC. You Help with DEF. You are a great THIS, your are a gread THAT."

The idea is that your man can call you when he needs an ego boost, rather than looking for an alternative.




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