Man needs to be desired

[When?]

my spouse, faithfull, virtuous, homemaker, beautifull, classy...cold, calculating, skilled but wont get a job, likes house life

me...horny, frustrated, I allway initiate, asked for a three day weekend for 25 years to no avial..sex is like a timed task...she rings the bell and jumps out of bed...

Im dead in my heart. I have sooooooo many opertunites to just have sex and yes......I have began flirting to get connection with females......

we talk about it and she says....scheudule it...so i do and we bomb....

I used to be more affectionate to her but im just dieing on the inside....

I want passion....

[ThunderHorse]

What do you mean by a three day weekend?

When sex is scheduled, what do you mean that you bomb?

Chapter 9, in the Men's Secrets Book, describes the stages of arousal for a woman. You do not mention affection displays in the early stages of arousal.

What alternatives within the marriage do you have?

What do you mean your wife rings a bell and jumps out of bed?

What time do you go to bed? What time is your wife most easily aroused? What are you doing for family planning? Does your wife have confidence in your family planning strategies?

What are your wife's beliefs about sex? Have yhou asked your wife to tell you stories about lessons in sex, so you can understand yhour wife's beliefs?

How are your massage skills? How are your compliments to your wife? How are you at showing sensitivity, Love and helpfulness to your wife?

I avoid talking avbout my wife to other wamen, and avoid flirting. I try to find approaches and timing to best find my wife receptivities.



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[When?]

1. a weekend were we focus on sensual, erotic, and satisfying sex
2. She allways has an excuse, health, stress, kids are marreid so that one is gone...last time she was in back pain...its just like whatever she can do to not have to do it.
3. I am very affectionate, I am kind loving, help with housework, praise her beauty etc.
4. when sex is over she leaves our bed...no afterglow...no doubles, triples, etc
5. we go to bed early, read books outloud, discuss issues. She most aroused when drinking. I have a vasectamy and our kids are grown and married.
6. I massage great. I give her masage for back pain, can mamipulate her back, I want to be intimate as i do this. I compliment her daily...she will tell u that. she dose not beleive in erotic touch or sensual touch, she has had real problems beleiving in or sustaining enjoyable sensual and erotic arousal due to religious training and modeling. both our parents are less than sexual...sleep in differnt rooms etc. I will not accept that as my future. I am very sensitive to her, I cook, clean, enjoy her comapny and we love a good adventure. Sex for her has to be in a contolled environment (hotel, etc) with facilities...she has to be in the state of mind of control..she wont just let go...she is less than ethusiatic about it...she gets an orgasm...then its just over..
7. I avoid talking to her about women, but when your dead, you look to meet legitimate need in ilegitimate ways. I demanded we go to counseling...she literally feel apart...she emoitnaly comes unwound when i bring upi these subjects....

:(

[ThunderHorse]

Your responses give more details of the picture.

One approach is to forumlate a plan for progress.

You might list out small steps that would be recognized as progress.

Cuddling after her climax. Does she emphathize with your climax? Do you climax together? I have lain on my back after a sexual climax, and encouraged my woman to let me hold her by my side leaning slightly on top of my chest.

If your wife will talk to you, then you can function as her counselor.

The MMPI test is some 500 questions, and has many questions that desribe a peson's beliefs in realtion to religion. You can work with a psycholigist, and give her the MMPI, in your own time, over several weeks, in quiet converation.

Once you understand what problems she might have, you can develop a counseling plan. Counseling involves asking questions sequentially, toward reveling core issues, and letting her answer, so that, as she talks about the answers to the right questions, she will figure out the answers for herself, and become free of whatever blocks she might have.

I spent $300 and got a set of counseling questions, covering a wide range of issues. You can counsel your wife in an informal way, so that she can receive the benefits of counseling. Women generally like to talk about various subjects. Give her guidance. What are the tangent subjects? What are the core subjects? What are the keys to her motivation? Have you looked at NLP? I should review my training NLP DVD's more often, myself. E-bay has bargain sets on NLP.

You have not identified all the reasons your wife is blocked about sex. You have not sought help from a counselor, to help you ask questions, to help allieviate your wife's blocks.

In addition, there may be some of your own unexpressed resentment, that is in the loop. Search Arbinger institute. There is a free book excerpt. You may be resenting unfulfilled sexual fantasies. You may be resenting your wife not working. You may be resenting your wife asking for MORE, and then not being willing to budget, or work, to obtain her desires. You might benefit from looking for small ways in which you are letting your resentment show through, and inadvertently shooting yourself in the foot.

I am concerned about the problems you are posting, and my giving advice, is a way to express my attempts to give you support. Also I am looking for ways to approach similar issues myself, so my tone of response may be masking my true interest in your real solutions.




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[When?]

thank u....this feels good expressing this to someone w/o judgement...

we did go to counseling... i know now it was not the right person for us both...it would have been better for me to let her go alone...

I am resentfull, hurt, and she knows it becasue I have told her...i asked her this weekend how she felt...she said I have made it clear and made definate ultimatums that scare her and leave her feeling empty...

She is not open to any more counsel...she says she just wants everything to happen naturally....

We are reading both of Dr. Haltsmans books outloud. I am reading love dare and others but truthfullly I am losing hope...

I need healing, and to feel desired by a woman...

Thanks thunder...you seem like a good man, and i do appreciate your intrest and commpassion...

at this point the journey seems so far gone and so long Its taken us five years to get here...I just am losing vision for a future with my wife...

I love her, however feel as thought she will not change, and i have changed the rules now...

I want to feel loved, desired and wanted sexually....

[ThunderHorse]

I want to feel loved, desired and wanted sexually....

What might be blocking her desires for you?

Jeffrey Young, has books on Schema Therapy, which is a description of movies in our mind that play matrix reactions for us. identifying the pertinent themes that may kick in for your wife, might be one approach to therapy for her.

Search Michael Hall, Meta Coaching and NLP.

In the Five Languages of Love, it describes different ways to express and engender love in a souse. Have you identified what types of love generating gifts are most effective for your wife?


I am reading Disarming Narcicissm by Wendy Behary. Explains the interactin between unrelenting expectation, Approval seeking and emotional subjugation or silence.

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[Scott Haltzman]

Im dead in my heart. I have sooooooo many opertunites to just have sex and yes......I have began flirting to get connection with females......

Hi When,
I'm intrigued by your comments that you're seeking passion elsewhere. Have you carried that out in actuality?
S.H.

[When?]

yes.

[cinister]

Dear Mr. Haltzman, I would like to know your opinion about When?'s comment on searching passion somewhere else. Is is really a bad idea? because I certainly feel what he is feeling with my husband...

[cinister]

I think I am having the same problem as When? I need help

[AbagayleLee]

It's great that you do massages (my husband wouldn't even rub my aching back during my two pregnancies) and it's nice that you're affectionate (I wish my husband would at the very least hold my hand now and then). But, your problem is your affectionate ways are falling on def ears because she knows every kind gesture you make you're wanting to lead to sex. That makes everything you do make her feel guilty and resentful.

You need to give up completely on your sexual desires for a brief period (a couple of weeks to 4 weeks to show you're sincere). You need to focus on doing more around the house and showing her that you appreciate all that she does. She will then start wanting you and maybe even initiate now and then. I also think you should read [i]How to Improve Your Marriage without Talking About it[/i]. I think it will do wonders for you.

Before you decide to not listen to my advice (assuming since I'm a woman that sex isn't important to me either), I want you to know that I'm the one in our marriage always pursuing sex. I would like it every day even though I have a 28 month old and an 8 month old, but he would be happy with just once every 6 weeks. I stopped initiating because he said it felt like I was a perona always on the attack. That's probably how your wife feels right now.

[tomjoymnLit]

Helen har ju som bekant läst in en ljudbok och jag ska inte sticka under stol med att det för hennes skull jag köpte den. Jag tänkte att Helen vill man ju alltid höra och böcker är aldrig fel och speciellt inte i det formatet. Det är ju en ungdomsbok som till en början är lite svår att ta till sig men ju mer man lyssnar ju bättre blir den. Det slutade med att jag sträcklyssnade de sista fyra skivorna natten igenom. Boken är kanonbra och sen att Helen läser med sin magiska röst gör hela storyn spännande och tilltalande. När sista skivan gått blev också den en återkommande nattmusik med Helen. Om ni behöver något att läsa så är boken kanon och klart värd sitt pris och mer. Den finns på cdon bland annat.

[Rasberry6]

Dear When?,
I understand that you are coming from a rejected unloved place. It feels like your marraige is missing passion and your wife is seeing sex as a chore. More often then not, you feel she is uninterested in sex. Sometimes in relationships the stress at home and work can become overwhelming. Is there too much stress at your job? Is she having a hard time dealing with the stress of homemaking? Do you have children that could be causing extra stress?

You said that you used to be more affectionate, maybe it's time to restart the engine. Dr. Haltzman stresses the importance of knowing your life. He says "To understand the way to your wife's heart, you must first learn what makes her tick. A bouquet of flowers may not mean much to you, so it may seem like a colossal waste of money to send them. But that's not the way your wife see's it." Have you tried flowers or little surprises like chocolates etc.? Maybe this is a small way to show her you care. He also says "To you, working late might be your way of saying: "I love you and take care of you." To her, it might mean you don't care about the relationship. With you being the only one working, it's likely you work late alot. This is obviously because you have an extra stress on your shoulders being the sole provider. However, try to make time for her. Making time for intimacy is important. Not so much scheduling it, but finding time to be intimate. In my expierience, I have never scheduled sex. I can tell you though, I have had to make time for it. Stress to her that your needs are important, and you just want to feel the intimacy between you. Once it is important to both of you, hopefully making time for it will become natural. Also make sure you learn the basics of communication! This is a way to establish closeness between you and your wife which could lead to intimacy. Dr. Haltzman says;

"When she wants to talk, sit quietly without distraction, turn the TV off and while you're at it, put down the newspaper. Now when she talks take a moments and reflect back on what she's said. Grunt occasionally to let her know you heard. I realize you know exactly what she's saying within the first five seconds, but it doesn't matter. Let your wide talk, and let her know you are listening. Before offering suggestion to problem-solving ask her whether she wants advice or whether she just wants you to listen. You'd be surprised how appreciative she will be that you are just a good ear."

Coming from a woman, this is HUGE. You have no idea how truly important this is to women and communication. You don't know how many times my boyfriend will interupt me, only to point out i've said that 100 times. Yes I know, but sometimes I just need him to hear me. Maybe your wife needs you to hear her, take the time to LISTEN. This may ending up getting to the root of your intimacy problems.

Lastly, learn the truth about sex. This is a very important factor in relationships and Dr. Haltzman says " Sex is not the overriding factor in either marital happiness or marital distress. And while in most cases women want a romantic experience and men want sex, there are many steps to take to make both parties happy." So, basically don't think your marriage is doomed because of lack of sex. It's important, very important, but it's not the defining factor in break ups. Because there are many steps to make both parties happy your wife has to see your needs too. Open up to her and let her know this is really killing you and you feel a lack of passion. Dr. Haltzman also says "What many women don't realize, though, is that men love sex with their wives because it brings about an unsurpassed sense of emotional closeness with them." This is what it sounds like your wife isn't realizing. Let her know you feel this way. Sex may not be the main factor in breakups, but communication is! Make sure you are strong communicators! Don't go about things like you're doomed. I think you are your wife will be able to find time and bring the spark back. Good luck in your marraige!