She loves me; but doesn't find me sexy anymore.

[Devoted]

Since our marriage hit the rocky point in September when she told me she didn’t feel any connection with me, I read the book, put the ideas into action, and the situation has improved where we now are much more connected. We are spending much more time together. Our marriage all seems to be in order; except she just does not find me sexy anymore. Yes I have gotten older, but I am in good shape and know that other women find me attractive. She says that because we were friends a long time before we were lovers, that she now can only see me as a friend, and that negative things in our past are keeping her from trying to get back the intimacy. I will agree that our marriage of 20 years did become focused on raising our family and that sex did fall by the wayside. But I would love to become a sexual couple again but I can’t seem to find a way to get back into her head. And our routine just does not seem to have a place for a “spontaneous” sexual encounter that she expects. I suggested that we plan a sex date so we can look forward to it, and prepare. She does not like that idea, saying it wouldn’t allow for the emotional aspect she requires. Any romantic attempt I make with gifts or a simple good night kiss is seen with skepticism. However; there have been a couple of instances where she has show some physical attention in the form of a surprise kiss, talk of things having to do with sex, how much weight she has lost, and when we sleep, she almost every night move towards me and nudges against me while we sleep. She also says she can’t understand why I don’t get “mad” at all this, but I responded, “what argument can I make against what you say is the way you feel”. If you were accusing me of something I would defend myself. The only tool I can see is trying to be the best husband/man that I can be. Please, if anyone can come up with something else for me to try, please respond. Thanks.
Check postings in, Taking care of yourself, forum for more of the situation.

[Scott Haltzman]

Interesting problem, Devoted.
First, I'm glad to year you've read my book and put it to practice, and I'm glad to hear it's helping.
Sometimes, when couples encounter problems, it's hard to get back to feeling the sexual energy come back, even though the relationship gets better. Experts say the real solution in cases like that is to have sex more often; there are a couple books that came out in the last 6 months along those lines: one about a couple who did it every day for a year, another couple for 120 days in a row. They both concluded that regular sex brought the couples closer together. But anyway, not likely your wife is going to run to the book store and buy these books anytime soon!
You might suggest she take a look at the sex chapter in my book on Happily Married Women (you can "preview" the chapter on Amazon). Basically, one of the sections in the chapter discusses the divide between eroticism and intimacy. Building eroticism can foster "sexual tension." By increasing eroticism, you can generate increased passion and excitement.
As always, though, your wife has to understand that your efforts to make things more exciting under the covers is to fulfill her needs and to make her happier, NOT because of a selfish need on your part.
S.H.


Please remember that these comments are not representative of advice or medical service or recommendations, but are offered by Scott Haltzman as points of discussion and observation.