Need Suggestions

[dwats42]

My wife and I have been married for 15 years and have had our ups and downs. Our sex life has become more of a routine thing than a warm passionate experience. I'm not all of a lovey dovey type guy who needs to cuddle after sex, but I do like a little spark every now and again. I made the suggestion a couple of weeks ago that we purchase a adult sex toy that we could bring into our love making and she agreed, at first. I have done a little research and found several that I think she would enjoy, I showed them to her but she said that it didnt matter to her. When I explained that i wanted top get one to bring more spark to our sex she took offense to it and wanted to know why i wanted to change. I told her that i truely enjoy making love to her but I feel that we could use a little bit more excitment, mainly for her!! She still insisted that i was changing and that she didnt understand why. How can i convince her that purchasing a sex toy (not just a vibe or dildo) for us to play with was just for us spark it up a little.

[Scott Haltzman]

In my experience, making recommendations to improve the relationship are best done in the context of assuring your wife that you have her interests in mind. Now...you might say "That is my intent," which I believe it is. But if your wife doesn't see it that way, then she's likely to think that you're looking out for your own needs, and not hers.
I give you credit for being able to have these discussions with her. Lots of couples feel too uncomfortable to even talk about these things. That's a good sign.
In these cases, it's best to sit down and ASK (don't tell, don't suggest) what she's like. If it's no toys then, for now, it's no toys. Over time, as she sees that you are putting her interests first, you may find that she's more open to the discussion later on.
BTW, some of my patients say that they enjoy browsing adult stores, even if they don't buy, it can be arousing. ALSO, women now have sex toy parties (like tupperware parties). She may be able to join in one of those.
S.H.


Please remember that these comments are not representative of advice or medical service or recommendations, but are offered by Scott Haltzman as points of discussion and observation.[/i]

[femaleview]

A new "spark" to me as a woman does not necessarily mean buying a sex toy. The easiest way to turn on a woman is to do something unusual. Write her a letter out of the blue and tell her how sexy she is. Buy her a sexy outfit and write a naughty little note. If you show your wife that you find her sexy and beautiful, she will forget about her backpain in no time.

Always remember, you're not that fresh to her after 15 years either. Guys always think that stimulating a woman is brain surgery, when it's really the little things that spark the flames.

[hefinjeffa]

So what you are saying is that you feel that the "spark" is not sparkling as much as it use to and you would like to explore new options by introducing a "toy" into you love making. You stated that you have also done some research. What type of research? Have you tried to involve your wife in the search for the perfect "toy"? Most men are usually intimidated by toys, because they feel somewhat threatened by it but you are willing to bring a toy into the bedroom and that is pretty impressive. I also totally understand about how you explain yourself as "not the lovey dovey type", and there is nothing wrong with that. My husband is the same way.

My psych professor, (Dr.M) stated in class that " you have to date to get the passion back". This is very true. Taking you wife out for the night and doing something you may have done when you first started dating may trigger the spark she felt back then. Maybe after a good night out, the sex at the end of the night won't feel so "routine", therefore you may not feel the need to bring anything else into the bedroom with you.

I think you have made a suggestion that most men wouldn't and that is huge. One of my favorite sayings, and I am a true believer of this is "You need to get uncomfortable to be comfortable". Explain to her that you are not trying to change her, you just want to try something new that you might both enjoy. So maybe if taking her out is not the solution then maybe you can contact a representative that will actually come out to your home to have a party. They have "Jack & Jill" parties for couples. If she doesn't feel threatened by the idea of having a party, then maybe she will get something she feels comfortable with and start experimenting. I used to sell adult novelties and I can only speak from experience that most women enjoy using a toy with their partner rather than alone.
Hopefully she will be adventurous and the sparks will start flying again.