Forgiving my husband

Forgiving my husband

Postby raquielle » Wed Dec 17, 2008 8:16 pm

About a year ago my husband and I went through a very rough time. I went into a pretty bad depression (something that I suffer with). My husband was having a hard time at the same time...huge job stress and dealing with my depression. He reacted to it all by shutting down sexually with me and turning to internet porn. I became even more depressed when this happened. The antidepressant caused me to gain a lot of weight all at once as well (50 pounds). We ended up going to therapy and have been making a huge effort since then. Somewhere near the end of the worst of it my husband admitted to me that the weight I had put on was making it hard for him to respond to me. He even went as far as telling me that I lost my womanly waist and looked straight. I felt very hurt by this. Since then I have gone off meds and lost the weight but am now pregnant with twins...and feeling very fat even though I've gained only the recommended weight so far. Our sex life has improved immensely and my husband has tearfully apologized for his behavior around porn and things he said to me back then. In fact he has begged me to forgive him for it all and swears he will not make the same mistakes. Still though...sometimes I think about that time and still feel angry and hurt. He senses this in me and it's uncomfortable for him when it comes up. I want to forgive and forget. How can I do this?
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Postby moc » Fri Dec 19, 2008 1:18 pm

Maybe its a matter of forgiving, but forgetting is terribly hard. Not exactly what I experience but I subjected my wife to an affair for which she has forgiven me. Similarly I was overcome with sorrow of what I did and have asked her forgiveness during the times of year when it happend and when it is most prevalent. Same time of year we discuss it and at times the discussion is difficult and last for several weeks. Other times it is easier. You may get to a point where it is easier on the both of you, but forgetting may not happen. Good Luck to both of you.
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Postby elizacol » Mon Dec 29, 2008 4:05 pm

Give it time. Time does have a way of healing wounds. As well, as he continues to show you through words and actions, that he means business (that he is sorry, and that it won't happen again), you will begin to forgive him. Having been through our own struggles, this has proven true for my H and me!
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Postby Hremom » Fri Jan 02, 2009 2:53 am

Studies show that hurtful words are remembered longer than loving words. There-for, forgiving him is a matter of you deciding to forgive, but forgetting......... that may never happen. Or it may just take time. The best thing he can do to help you is continue to give you loving words and actions, especially at time when you are feeling so sensative due to pregnancy.

And for your part, be honest with yourself. How attracted to him would you be if he gained a bunch of weight? Especially if it was in a short amount of time (that does make a difference, slowly it's not as shocking, quickly, you're like "whoah, what happened?") Since you know your figure is important to him, try to make sure you two do some physical activity together to help you both stay fit....... and healthy enough to run after those twins you are having.

Good luck with those babies and your marriage.
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Postby brndette21 » Tue Aug 03, 2010 2:45 am

I agree with you Beth, the true love of a one's couple has forgiveness and trust, unless your husband hurting you physically, that's not good. However, happier family having children. Most of the time, husband must understand the wife, especially in their sensitive pregnancy period.
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Postby advice88 » Fri Nov 18, 2011 2:42 pm

Forgiveness can be hard for some people. I understand that because I have experienced it. Sometimes when the people we love say things that hurt us it shocks us because we think that if they love us then they should accept us for who we are or what we look like, especially in your situation because your husband knew what you were going through with your depression.
Also being a woman, we are more emotional about things. We tend to keep our mind stuck to things that bother us even though we want to get over it and just forget about it. I learned that men will always be men and physical attractiveness is important to them therefore it is in there nature.
You say that now things have gotten better after going to therapy, you are now pregnant, and your husband has apologized. So look at that as being positive, try to move forward with things and eventually the hurt should fade. Holding on to something like this, and bringing it up often can cause problems. If he truly is sorry then you should accept it and move on from it.
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Postby prgirl23 » Sun Nov 20, 2011 2:47 pm

i am very sorry to hear about your situation i no depression can be a scary thing especially when both you and you husband had went threw it you say that when you went into your phase of depression that you husband had shut down on you sexually and turned to internet porn, there is a difference between sex and making love maby when you your husband wanted to feel you in that way when you guys made love he didnt feel that connection with you that he usually felt all the other time you and your husband had intercourse and probably felt you were pushing him away in that area of you relationship. you also had said that your medication had caused you to gain a significant amout of weight while you were taking it and it was making it hard for him to respond to you that i feel was very out of line, when he married you, and said his vows he vowed to love you for better or for worse, every body has flaws and when you love them your willing to accept the person and there flaws no matter what it is that was wrong of him to tell you that but guys can be jerks i kind of know the feeling you felt when he told you that because that to had happen to me with an ex boyfriend of mine and i no how hard it is to forgive someone who has damaged your self esteem in that way but hes being a man and taking responsibility for his actions and is aware of what he did you i no it must be hard to forgive but some times you just have to let go and let god take a hold of the situation i am a stong believer and what i have learned about forgiveness is that is you don't forgive and let go of a situation then god cant let go of the blessing he has for you as far as the therapy goes it seems like it has when good for you as all you to really need in my opinion is just relationship maintenance as stated by dr.canary and dr.Stafford you know just like little things that spice up a relationship sometimes its not about the big things ut the little things that count maybe a romantic dinner for two of a get a way i here you say you have become pregnant with twins sometimes children can make a marriage stronger
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