Husband Has Low Sex Drive. I Need Advice.

[ThunderHorse]

To: Fallen 1,

One part of the problem seems to be that you feel less confident about yourself, when your husband rejects your suggestions for intimacy.

I used to feel upset when my wife rejected my advances. These days, I still get rejected frequently, but once in a while, I ask at the right time, and things go great. I have decided to stop feeling upset when I get rejected, and just back off, and wait for another time to approach her.

Can you find ways to feel good about yourself, even though your moods don't match up as often as you would like? It seems that your are upset about your man promising, but not delivering. To me, Arousal is not an act of will, so promises are not able to be kept, or broken, but promises give hope for the future, rather than forming a contract, with penalty clauses. If you are willing to go to counseling, you might go by yourself, at least at first, and let your man know that you found a helpful counselor.

Women are often in the mood in the evening, and men are known for the Morning Erection. You menition suggesting Love in the evenings. Are there other times you might be wiling to suggest intimacy? What ways are willing to start early stages of foreplay, to intiate arousal for your husband? What methods of early foreplay do you believe are wrong? What methods of early foreplay are you willing to start to explore? How would you start?

Does your man know how to let you vent 15 minutes per day?

//

[socialdistortion]

Dear FAllen1,

First, please read my previous postings on this thread. I have read extensively on this issue.

Dear TheMrs.,

Let’s review what the experts tell women who are dealing with diminished sex drives in themselves or their husbands.

Experts say males have 10-20 times higher testosterone than women which is responsible for their higher driven need for sex. Intercourse gives men a ‘deep sense of personal and interpersonal satisfaction that solidifies their connection and makes them feel that is some small corner of the world, all is right’. It is the nonverbal glue that makes marriage stick. Conclusion- Women with low sex drives are advised to go ahead and engage in it, with the belief they will get in the mood once it starts (The Secrets of Happily Married Women, Scott Haltzman).

On the other hand, when a woman has a man with low sex drive, she is told that men don’t feel appreciated for what they contribute to the family. Men get angry at their wives and this can lower their libido. A low libido in men ‘threatens the very foundation of which their feelings of self worth are based’. Women are equipped with the language to ask for change, but they don’t, instead they ‘bitch’. Conclusion- Women should stop ‘bitching’ and perhaps this would solve the problem. (The Sex-Starved Marriage: A Couple's Guide to Boosting Their Marriage Libido, Michelle Weiner Davis).

It is fortunate that the male sex-expert Haltzman never married the female sex-expert Weiner Davis. He would initiate sex with the nonverbal belief she would get in the mood after it started. She would nonverbally refuse his testosterone-driven-initiation, simply by being a ‘bitch’. If, in the future I run across any remotely helpful advice for women on this subject, I will be sure to repost it.

Sincerely,

Social Distortion

Dear Songsparrow,

Congratulations on your life changes and success on this issue. In additional to publically praising your efforts and privately admiring you for sharing, I also have a few comments. First, I would have to hypothesize that your results would be the exception and not the rule. While it is likely that the walnuts, flaxseed and dietary changes actually raised your husband’s testosterone level and influence his behavior, the scientist in all of us would have to look for additional explanations.

There are numerous psychological perspectives on the causes of behavior change in which a treatment is implemented in hopes of a specific desired outcome. Developmental psychologist would call this an ‘expectancy effect’, suggesting that the increase in his sexual interest was due to your effort and belief that it would work and not the actual treatment. Cognitive psychologist could label this a ‘demand characteristic’, explaining the changes in his behavior on your mere desire and unconscious bias that it would increase his sex drive. Medical science commonly refers to unproven successful treatments as a ‘placebo effect’. Social psychologist would point to the ‘Hawthorne effect’, the phenomenon that an individual’s behavior changes merely on the fact that they know they are being watched.

All of these theories suggest that the attention of the experimenter (in this case, you) unconsciously manipulated the outcome of the subject’s (your husband) behavior. While you could have solved an age-old problem with middle-age men, you might have discovered a solution unique to your individual relationship. I would love to see if his testosterone level actually increased, but I would guess that you would have very low desire to have your adequately sexually performing husband rush back to the doctors to have this done.

I have read extensively on this topic (see my above post). While I applaud your effort and value your results, I would have to put this in the same category as Haltzman’s and Weiner-Davis’s suggestions on solving your partner’s low sex drive – ‘Things That Sound Really Good on Paper’. Save your receipt.

Best,

Social Distortion

Next, stop blaming yourself or letting this make you feel unconfident or not sexually appealing. If men only had sex with confident, attractive women this world would be grossly under populated.

You have been together only 3 months and he seems to have already lost the drive to have sex with you? He also acts as if he was somehow ‘conditioned’ by his ex-wife because he is not used to women finding him sexy? This is bullshit. Even gross, unattractive men who have been sexually rejected through their entire teens and twenties still have sexual desire. Again, not your fault.

You say he tells you that he “loves you and finds you sexy”, but does not follow up on it. I say next time he tells you that you are sexy -answer with “prove it”. Right there, right now. As an unmarried couple, this is probably as good as it gets. He is showing you who he really is, an asexual, verbally insulting man that makes you feel ‘low and lonely’.

You say “I'm starting to feel like ending the relationship just too end the pain of it”. Think of this. Most people don’t want to end relationships because it would start the pain. In no way do I want you to experience emotional pain, but I think walking away now will save you a huge amount of emotional pain later.

Best,

Social Distortion

Ps- I love the word ‘sex-pest’ and will add it my vocabulary.

[ThunderHorse]

To Fallen 1,

There are some aspects of self-improvement to which I am trying to improve myself, relateing to mismatched moods.

I am trying to take a more positive view on rejections. I am trying to think in terms that I have offered Love in a caress, that has been rejected, and I feel bad. But I try to turn the event into a positive perspective, by tinking in terms of my rejected caress, starting to build love in my wife, as a sequence in foreplay. So I envision my wife becoming more arroused, becaue of my rejcted caress, so that my next attempt at an advance, will be more likely met with success. You do not mention re-approachment. How long do you wait to re-appraoch, and what signs do you look for to signal an increase in arousal, or receptivity?

Affirmation: upon rejection, I try to think positive things about myself. I am attractive, desirable appreciated, radiant, magnetic, helpful, Important, etc.

Social Distortion: I see that you have made a post to this thread, and my post will appear as if I have read your post, before I posted. But I have not read your post, because it is still being delayed in process, as I write this post, but I thank you for lending your expertise to the thread, and the forum. It was never my intent to monopolize the responses.



//

[cafe_au_lait]

I feel for all of you. I am going through the same thing. I feel like no one talks about this issue - there are barely any published books on it, and the media always portrays it as the woman with the lack of libido. Well (as we all know), having a husband/boyfriend with a low sex drive can slowly ruin a relationship.
I started dating my boyfriend almost a year ago (last May). Before that, we were unofficially "seeing each other" on and off for about 8-10 months. We used to have sex 3-5 times a week. Sex was the one thing I never had to worry about. We cut off our non-relationship for a while but then got back together and started dating officially. I started to notice the lack of sexual interest about 1 month into our relationship, and it has remained a problem for 11 out of the 12 months we have been dating. Now we have sex about once or twice every 4-6 weeks, and ALWAYS after I have initiated - usually even on these occasions he has said no and then "given" in when I seemed hurt or disappointed, which as you can imagine, does not make the sex a very emotionally positive experience for me.

Naturally, when this first started happening, I freaked out a cried a lot. I couldn't understand why he wanted me all the time when we weren't dating, and as soon as I was his girlfriend, he no longer wanted me. I felt rejected, unattractive, hurt, and thought maybe he just wanted what he couldn't have, or liked the thrill of it. Eventually we talked about it (multiple times) and he would always say it wasn't me, or he was tired, or uncomfortable, or hungover (he does drink excessively about once or twice a week - and I am wondering if this has slowly killed his libido). Anyways, there would always be some excuse. He rejects me when I'm dressed up, wearing nice lingerie, cuddling with him, when we're sober, drunk, morning, night, weekend, weeknight... it does not seem to matter. Every time I bring the issue up, we get into a fight about it. He admitted once that he was worried he might be depressed, but never wanted to talk about it again. He has had chronic pain/tension in his neck and head for 2 years. He has also gained about 10-15 pounds in the last year. I have supported him through all of this, encouraged him to get medical help/book appointments, driven him to appointments, looked up medical information for him... I think these issues may have a lot to do with it. The problem is, he won't do anything about it. I've been going to counselling for 6 months to deal with my frustrations/work out how to deal with this issue, I went to an 8 week Healthy Relationship group class, I've spent hours and hours reading forums and online articles and relationship books.... and meanwhile he won't even talk to his physician about it, let alone go to therapy. It's frustrating, and infuriating at the same time. He's fine with how it is, and I am just supposed to 'deal with it'.

Often when he can see I'm feeling rejected, he cuddles me and tells me he loves me and tries to be extra affectionate. In fact, he's been really good over the course of our relationship to be otherwise affectionate. It happened again last night AND this morning, and he hugged me and told me I had a boyfriend who loves me and he's sorry I'm not getting everything I want but at least I have that. When he does that it just makes me feel guilty for wanting more. Sex is a very important part of a relationship - why can't he see that? He always chocks it down to the fact that I am being immature because I can't deal with "not getting what I want". Well, sometimes I AM sexually frustrated. I am not going to deny that. I am a 26 year old woman - I still have needs and desires. But more importantly, from a woman's perspective, sex is especially related to emotional and physical intimacy, and feeling loved by the person. Constantly being rejected is very damaging to a woman's self esteem (especially in my case as I had an eating disorder in the past and have worked very hard to repair my self esteem and learn to love my body. I am in a healthy place now, but my boyfriend still doesn't want me).

The hardest part about all of this is that after spending hours and hours reading other women's experiences, no one seems to have a solution. It's quite disheartening, especially, because like many of you have said, I do not want to leave him over sex. We were best friends for years before we started dating and he is an important part of my life. It is so hard to love someone but have to admit that they aren't giving you what you need and want.

Anyone out there have any advice? I wish I could get my boyfriend (or any of your husbands) to post on one of these forums and to honestly explain what he is thinking, because all of the women seem to respond similarly to this issue.

P.S. Please don't suggest being supportive and encouraging, talking to him honestly, being patient and not nagging, or trying new things in the bedroom, because I have tried all of these things, to no avail.

[socialdistortion]

Social Distortion: I see that you have made a post to this thread, and my post will appear as if I have read your post, before I posted. But I have not read your post, because it is still being delayed in process, as I write this post, but I thank you for lending your expertise to the thread, and the forum. It was never my intent to monopolize the responses.

Dear Thunderhorse,

I did even catch this message to me until just now. No apologize necessary for having alternate opinions on any issue (blame gender). Years ago you shared with me that you try to make sure that everyone who posts on this forum gets an answer. I think this shows empathy, commitment and a devotion to others who are hurting, 3 qualities that are grossly under appreciated by most people.

Best,

Social Distortion

[ThunderHorse]

To: Cafe_au_lait

I try to develop my skills of inviting venting, and encouraging problem solving ideas' through helpful questions. I can try to give you some questions that arise for me, about your description of your situation. This is a highly personal matter, so I appologize in advance for any insensitivities I may commit. Humans live in compartmentalized mental concepts, so interrelation of ideas is sometimes helpful, and sometimes unnecessarily painful.


You do not mention your plans and desires for Children. Your boy-friend's plans and deisres?

You do not mention your degree of taking yourself into monogamy with your boy-friend. You do not describe your availablity for dating other men. If your boy-friend is not proposing marriage, does he mind if you dress attractively, flirt and date other men?

You metion your boy-friend drinks more than he should one or two days a week. Does he drink and drive? Do you trust your current boy-freind to fulfill a partner relationship as a father of your children? How could he improve?

Have you heard of the book I AM NOT SICK, I DON'T NEED HELP? Have you ever attended an Al-Anon meeting?

Could you lose a little more weight, and become more attractive? Do you have good support groups for losing weight? I personally try to cut back earlier in the evening, to lose weight. What are your strategies?

What are your ideas of a successful conclusion to a sexual encounter with your boy-friend? Any compromises possible?

In the men's secrets book Dr. Haltzman speaks of stages of arousal. Are there stages that you can back up to, when your boy-friend gives you a slow down signal?

Wishing you happiness.

//

[BadGrl]

Thank god for this site. I actually realize I'm not alone. My situation is this: I have been with my partner for 19 months. The first 11 months were amazing, we had a great sex life. But 2 months aftercwe moved in together, the sex stopped. Completely. It has been 8 months now and I feel like I'm going crazy. Every time I bring it up he says it's not me, it's him, he has no energy or desire. I've been really insecure because I know I've put weight on but he says it's not this. I've tried everything to reignite the spark but nothing is working. The other areas of our relationship are great. Help!

[seasonedsoldier]

As I read your issue of concern a flood of memories come forward and I remember how I was in a similar situation some time ago. I on a different chapter in life, have grandchildren now, but can still relate. You state that after ten years of marriage and two children your sex life has all but diminished. You go on to say that when you try to initiate sex it seems like its a chore for your husband to perform. If I read your post correctly you have even asked him what he wants from you and got the response to clean the house and take care of your children. Well here it comes.......my opinion......my advice...... Note that I have never done this before and hope that my honest forthright opinion does not offend.

In my social psych class with our professor we discussed how stress and depression can affect one's sex drive. With that said I offer this suggestion to you. First take a look at your life NOW and then take some time to reflect on how it was prior to having your children. How has your life changed? Be realistic in your answers, ask yourself questions like.....Have I been so wrapped up in my children that I have made no time to take care of my self? You stated you cook, well are they healthy meals that bring you all to the table? Or meals to take care of the kids, then you and not him because he drinks protein shakes? Don't forget to look at "how has my sex life changed"? After some deep reflection, approach your husband at a time when the children are asleep, or not home at all, tell him you want to arrange a date night. Once you have him committed to a date night be sure to pamper yourself, pull out all the stops to look and feel your best, while out on date night initiate the conversation of what is troubling you in the marriage. Tell him that his reply of "it's not you, it's me" is NOT an answer and does nothing to make you feel better about the situation. Be sure to ask him what you can do to help him relax and unwind when he gets in from work. You stated he was a runner, have you thought about taking running up with him? Maybe get a sitter so you can both go for a run, I find exercise of any kind alleviates stress, honestly so does sex... Maybe finding a common interest will help get you both talking and intimate again. Dr. Scott Haltzman states that mental exhaustion and depression can rob a man of the pleasurable images associated with sex. Dr. Haltzman also states that we should look at our marriage with the same intensity that we approach our jobs. So maybe asking your husband to put forth a little more effort in meeting you halfway isn't such a bad idea either. You coming forth and taking active steps to save your marriage shows him how vested you really are. Most importantly remember that men and women have drastically different communication skills

The book that Dr. Haltzman wrote titled..."The Secrets of Happily Married Men" & "The Secrets of Happily Married Women" are two great books to maybe peruse through, or read the entire text to gain a better understanding of each other. Maybe this is something you could both do together. Also try having a night towards the end of his work week where you either put on your best dress and go out for an evening of fun if that is not possible, just relax and unwind at home after the kids are down for the night with a nice bottle of wine, a movie and some sexy attire.

My next concern would come in to play, if you do all this and his response is still....."It's not you, it's me". To many people today live lives that are a lie. Please do not take offense to what I am about to say, it is not meant to offend, I've just seen it a few times and it comes to mind in your situation. Have you asked yourself, or better yet ask him, if he is happy with his current sexual orientation??? It is not uncommon for someone to be in a heterosexual relationship, engage in intimacy with each other, have children and then one day come out of the closet as they say and find they are gay. Again, I do not mention this to be mean, I mention it to be real. This and what you are going through is why COMMUNICATION is key in any relationship. OPEN & HONEST COMMUNICATION......even if it is not what the other person wants to hear, people need to be real with their thoughts and emotions. Dr. Haltzman states that men love sex because it brings about an unsurpassed sense of emotional closeness with them, so ask yourself why this has stopped???? Better yet, ask him.