Husband Has Low Sex Drive. I Need Advice.

Husband Has Low Sex Drive. I Need Advice.

Postby AbagayleLee » Thu Jan 08, 2009 9:39 am

We've been married 10 years and I stay at home with our toddler and infant. My husband has a very stressful job and is under constant worry of being laid off.

If I wait around for him to instigate sex, we'll have it once every 5-6 weeks. I could happily have sex every day. But, if I instigate it, he will usually give in just to please me but says he feels like I'm a perona. This really floors me, because I'm not aggressive. It's just the mere act of coming on to him seems to make him feel pressured, so I just don't initiate any more.

He says there is nothing wrong with us and we are fine and that it's not me it's his job.

This feels like it's "my" problem all alone because he's fine with the way things are. I'm physically uncomfortable from the lack of sex and feel like he's a million miles away due to the lack of intimacy. I feel rejected and unattractive.

I've been reading a lot of marital advice books and am doing my best to be a good, supportive, encouraging wife to him. I don't nag. I do think he occasionally feels that he's low on the totem pole since having two children still in diapers requires so much of my care and attention. I just seem to be at a loss as to what will make him feel cared for by me. He's not a typical man. I cook a lot, but he doesn't really care because he's a runner and really into fitness and drinks a lot of protein shakes. Most books tell you that men want more sex, but my husband doesn't even want me to touch him. I leave him sticky notes on the bathroom mirror to find before he goes to work that say things like "I love you," "you're a hard worker and a good husband," and "I'm proud of you." But this also seems to make no impression on him at all.

When I ask him what he wants from me he just says to keep the house clean and take care of the kids. So, that's what I do and now I feel like his maid and his nanny and like he doesn't even see me as his wife any more. But, since he doesn't want sex, it's not like seducing him with lingerie to show my appreciation is a good idea.

What do I do?
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Postby Hremom » Wed Jan 28, 2009 1:24 am

Oh, I feel ya sister! I was in your shoes a few years ago. And it really was the job. We'd been married 10 years and had three kids under 6, he'd been at his job for 12 and felt disrespected at work, but at a point in his life where he couldn't afford to start over again.

We had a rough couple of years and then I started spoiling him in old fashioned ways. I set the alarm 30 minutes early to get up and make him coffee and breakfast, pack his lunch and be there to kiss him good-bye.

I met him at the door when he came home with a beer and the paper. I made sure the kids were fed before he got home and were bathed and playing in their room to give him an hour or so to decompress. We'd eat dinner more often than not with little or no conversation.

I did that and 100 other little things to make sure he had as little pressure at home as possilbe. Yes, it wasn't the modern picture of a marriage, but I've chosen to be a stay at home wife, so I also chose to do it the old fashioned way to see if it would help us.

It took about 4 months before he really started to notice. He'd assumed I was just being nice because I wanted something from him. After a few months he asked me why all the changes and I told him honestly "I know you are having a tough time at work and I want to make our home your safe, soft place of peace and relaxation because I love you."

That was the turning point. Our sex life started picking up, he was willing to spend more time with the kids and with me and he just seemed happier, which in turn made me happier. Do we have sex as often as I'd like? No. But we don't have it as often as he'd like either....... work, life and his travel with work get in the way, but it's better than it was.

We've now been married 16 years and we have four daughters. I know he loves me even when we're going through a dry spell. I know now that if he says it's work stress, it really is and he does need me being needy or pushy about sex. That just makes him feel more pressure.

Reduce what pressure you can and you just might get him simmering again! :wink:
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Husband Has Low Sex Drive. I Need Advice.

Postby oldflame7 » Mon Jun 29, 2009 6:31 pm

Maybe his testosterone is low. Men go through andropause (male version of menopause)...if you can broach this in a way that is caring and concerned so as not to offend his manliness, he'll go get it (and other blood levels) checked. There are treatments for this.
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Postby findoutguy » Thu Dec 17, 2009 2:31 pm

do you do things alone...with friends or do you stay in a lot. maybe he needs to feel like he doesnt have you, to fully understand what he has. or just try something a bit more forward. does he have any fantasy's....have you done all of them. do you dress, carry yourself like you once did...like someone he wants to make love to...or whatever word you want to insert depending on the mood. these fundamental things are 80% of mens interests i think. this make sense?
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Postby TheMrs. » Wed Feb 02, 2011 12:24 am

See, I'd understand if you were married for a few years and he had a lower sex drive, but it really gets to me that I've been married only 8 months, and practically have to beg for sex if i want it more than 1-2 times a week. On average, I could go for it every other day, up to approx 5 times a week. I thought being a newlywed this was normal. It's been this way since the week after the honeymoon. The honeymoon was great. Now I feel like i'm just an annoyance when I crave what should be normal to crave!
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Postby ThunderHorse » Fri Feb 04, 2011 3:18 am

TheMrs. wrote:See, I'd understand if you were married for a few years and he had a lower sex drive, but it really gets to me that I've been married only 8 months, and practically have to beg for sex if i want it more than 1-2 times a week. On average, I could go for it every other day, up to approx 5 times a week. I thought being a newlywed this was normal. It's been this way since the week after the honeymoon. The honeymoon was great. Now I feel like i'm just an annoyance when I crave what should be normal to crave!


How are you doing with Ego Boosting?

Combine recognition of his manly aspirations/achievements, to build love.

How can you give recogniton to his job skills, sports acumen, religious perceptions, political opinions, Love prowess?



//
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Postby socialdistortion » Sun Feb 06, 2011 10:12 am

Dear TheMrs.,

Let’s review what the experts tell women who are dealing with diminished sex drives in themselves or their husbands.

Experts say males have 10-20 times higher testosterone than women which is responsible for their higher driven need for sex. Intercourse gives men a ‘deep sense of personal and interpersonal satisfaction that solidifies their connection and makes them feel that is some small corner of the world, all is right’. It is the nonverbal glue that makes marriage stick. Conclusion- Women with low sex drives are advised to go ahead and engage in it, with the belief they will get in the mood once it starts (The Secrets of Happily Married Women, Scott Haltzman).

On the other hand, when a woman has a man with low sex drive, she is told that men don’t feel appreciated for what they contribute to the family. Men get angry at their wives and this can lower their libido. A low libido in men ‘threatens the very foundation of which their feelings of self worth are based’. Women are equipped with the language to ask for change, but they don’t, instead they ‘bitch’. Conclusion- Women should stop ‘bitching’ and perhaps this would solve the problem. (The Sex-Starved Marriage: A Couple's Guide to Boosting Their Marriage Libido, Michelle Weiner Davis).

It is fortunate that the male sex-expert Haltzman never married the female sex-expert Weiner Davis. He would initiate sex with the nonverbal belief she would get in the mood after it started. She would nonverbally refuse his testosterone-driven-initiation, simply by being a ‘bitch’. If, in the future I run across any remotely helpful advice for women on this subject, I will be sure to repost it.

Sincerely,

Social Distortion
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Re: Husband Has Low Sex Drive. I Need Advice.

Postby gwenabee37 » Fri Jun 08, 2012 12:25 am

Haha social d u r a genius I love the response re: sex starved wife. Yep read that 1 & also read when he's not up for it anymore that 1 was slightly better but at the end of the day both books told me it was all my fault & for some reason my husband is angry at me cuz I'm a bitch. Actually my husband has said point blank numerous times 'it's not u, I simply only want sex 1-2x's /wk. I'm not angry, you're not a bitch, it's me'
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Re: Husband Has Low Sex Drive. I Need Advice.

Postby songsparrow » Thu Aug 16, 2012 1:15 pm

Awhile back, I posted my frustrations regarding my husband's lack of intimacy with me, and seeming "checked out". Later, I posted about research I had conducted, concerning what men need in order to keep their testosterone levels up, which is closely related to "performance" ability, sexual desire, and overall mood. I am happy to report that since adding walnuts and ground flaxseeds to my husband's daily diet, continuing to cook with olive oil, and serving him lean red meat (zinc) once per month, his testosterone levels (which were diagnosed by our doctor through a blood test as being low) have come up enough for us to enjoy intimacy. I have also noticed a remarked improvement in his mood/disposition. Something we eliminated from his diet is coffee. He seemed to be irritable and tired (yes, tired). Now, he enjoys one cup of caffienated tea each morning, and that's it...the rest of the day, he drinks water. Diet truly can have an effect on a person's well-being. If only I had researched all of this several years ago! Thankfully, it seems we are heading in a better direction. Just thought I would share what appears to be a success story!
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Re: Husband Has Low Sex Drive. I Need Advice.

Postby socialdistortion » Fri Aug 17, 2012 12:32 am

Dear Songsparrow,

Congratulations on your life changes and success on this issue. In additional to publically praising your efforts and privately admiring you for sharing, I also have a few comments. First, I would have to hypothesize that your results would be the exception and not the rule. While it is likely that the walnuts, flaxseed and dietary changes actually raised your husband’s testosterone level and influence his behavior, the scientist in all of us would have to look for additional explanations.

There are numerous psychological perspectives on the causes of behavior change in which a treatment is implemented in hopes of a specific desired outcome. Developmental psychologist would call this an ‘expectancy effect’, suggesting that the increase in his sexual interest was due to your effort and belief that it would work and not the actual treatment. Cognitive psychologist could label this a ‘demand characteristic’, explaining the changes in his behavior on your mere desire and unconscious bias that it would increase his sex drive. Medical science commonly refers to unproven successful treatments as a ‘placebo effect’. Social psychologist would point to the ‘Hawthorne effect’, the phenomenon that an individual’s behavior changes merely on the fact that they know they are being watched.

All of these theories suggest that the attention of the experimenter (in this case, you) unconsciously manipulated the outcome of the subject’s (your husband) behavior. While you could have solved an age-old problem with middle-age men, you might have discovered a solution unique to your individual relationship. I would love to see if his testosterone level actually increased, but I would guess that you would have very low desire to have your adequately sexually performing husband rush back to the doctors to have this done.

I have read extensively on this topic (see my above post). While I applaud your effort and value your results, I would have to put this in the same category as Haltzman’s and Weiner-Davis’s suggestions on solving your partner’s low sex drive – ‘Things That Sound Really Good on Paper’. Save your receipt.

Best,

Social Distortion
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Re: Husband Has Low Sex Drive. I Need Advice.

Postby Theotherhalf » Wed Oct 31, 2012 9:06 pm

When it comes to the greater dialogue in the world out there about a low sex drive present in men, it seems that the assumed norm is that he once had it and then he lost it. I have been facing the scenerio whereby my husband never had it. 17 years ago, I even had to ask for the first kiss because of his ambivalence to initiation. In our early years I was the seductress who did everything, and I mean everything before and during lovemaking. I didn't notice the lack of reciprocation because I got a high from my role of the seducer.

After 1 year of marriage, I changed and wanted him to initiate but that never happened. We could go over 8 months and sometimes even a year without sex, and if we did, it was because I initiated. Even though I know otherwise, it has made me FEEL undesirable, unwanted and neglected. I have tried every supportive trick out there, using direct and non direct forms of communication, brought in the medical and psychiatric experts, etc. and nothing has worked. He is thrilled with his job and is not over worked or stressed. I know he is not gay and is attracted to women. He adores me and is very tender and thoughtful. He is very cooperative in discussing this sexual disconnect and he says he wants to initiate, he wants to have a good sex life, but his words don't manifest into action. I even presented the option that we don't have sex (to which he agreed) but that would mean I could have partners outside of marriage (to which he disagreed).

Bottom line is that he has a low, if no, sex drive and that is not going to change. This mixed with his difficulty with self expression and a fear of failure makes implementing any actions of compromise impossible. I am tired of doing all the work into finding the solution to this problem. I have spent over 11 years of my life trying (and not trying) in vain to help him break through this barrier and achieve what he says he wants. It has left me angry, hurt, childless and more. I need to stop giving my energy to support him, help him, change him, etc and focus on myself. I feel it is time to move on.

The assumption out there that a man with a low sex drive is a 'problem' is not true. Some wonderful men out there just don't have one. It's who they are. We as their partners need to decide if that is what we do or do not want for ourselves.
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Re: Husband Has Low Sex Drive. I Need Advice.

Postby Smferro » Fri Dec 07, 2012 1:56 pm

Lack of a man’s sex drive is a very odd thing but is very common and explainable. The first and question I have from reading your post was you said “he’s a runner” which would tell me that he is in shape and likes to look good?. This isn’t to be taken the wrong way but after being married for 10 years and have having had 2 kids have you been keeping in shape? Or have you allowed yourself to get comfortable and gained some weight over the years that the two of you may or may not have discussed?
If it isn’t the first thing I said about the weight gain, which if it is he might not be attracted to you in the same way he used to be because you’re not in the shape as you used to be. We talked about depression in my psychology class with Dr. Misiurski which in men can lower their sex drive even if it’s from stress at the work place. Dr. haltzman also said “depression or mental exhaustion may rob a man of being able to make a visual picture of the pleasure that sex may give”. Another thing it could stem from is poor health even though he runs he may not be eating well. I know you cook for him, but are you cooking good healthy well rounded meals? And even a better question, how is his diet away from home is? Dr. Haltzman said “occasionally poor physical health may include lack of proper nutrition and occasionally vitamin or mineral deficiencies lead to lack of libido”
First if it is that you have gotten out of shape over the course of your marriage you should start eating better and working out with him. Not only will gain more of a connection with your husband, but it benefit you as well. If it’s your diet plan (or his) talk about correcting it and find better alternatives to the foods you’re eating and prepare a healthy meal plan for you both. If he has low testosterone the right meals and vitamins can correct that as well. Either way nothing is better for you then eating healthy and all people should eat healthy for their own benefits. And if it’s work which I bet it is talk to him about it to relieve some stress. See if anything outside of work is bothering him to. I know from experience as a guy that even though I love sex sometimes I am too tired at the end of the day. So every once in a while my girlfriend at the time would do things to spice it up and try to ”instigate” things as you say. Don’t try and force him into it you have to make him want it tease him and maybe even try considering doing new things in the bed room to change it up some. Dr. haltzman says “there may need to be external triggers to get things going reducing tension in the relationship with your mate is helpful an angry despondent partner isn’t a turn on. Also your partner may need to take the lead and initiate sex; that may be a role reversal but it can often lead to and increased sexual interest.” By the way you described it you said you have to initiate and he just gives in. find out what turns him on and tease the man. Every guy has a breaking point to which they can only resist wanting sex for so long, especially if you know what gets them going and turns them on. Be spontaneous which I’m sure is hard with children, but It can be done leave the kids with a sitter and just go out and do something crazy to try and reignite that old flame. Don’t out right tell him you don’t feel wanted anymore make him know it through your actions. You’re already a great housewife from what you told me, you just need to find a way to remove his mind from the thought of work and onto the thought of you. Get him excited and switch things up, getting stuck in the same daily routine is boring, even if part of that routine is sex. If you don’t change things up it could get boring for both partners after 10 years even if you’re madly in love.
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Re: Husband Has Low Sex Drive. I Need Advice.

Postby agentm » Sun Jan 27, 2013 6:25 am

I'd like to add some thought here related to my own situation which I hope you find helpful. I read the 'he didn't even instigate the first kiss' bit and right away a light bulb went on. My husband and I began our relationship in exactly the same way. I too am married to someone who has a difficulty with intimacy and he also suffered from delayed ejaculation. His previous marriage ended in his wife having an affair and although I don't tell him this, I understand - don't condone - but understand how she was driven to go outside of the marriage for intimacy, affection and sex. Because my husband 'appeared' to have a low sex drive and would hardly touch me and very rarely instigated sex. Now I am going to explain why I said 'appeared' to have.
Over the course of my relationship I have discovered him using porn even when I am upstairs in our bed ready and willing to have sex with him. It happened a lot in the beginning then something happened to change everything. Without going into too much detail we ended up in counselling after he tried to commit suicide. This was after I awoke one morning to find him masturbating IN BED BESIDE ME. For me, it was the ultimate rejection and I'd told him to leave.
The counselling he has received since has turned up some interesting things, not all of it was done together and my husband admits he can't talk to me about everything that came out. What I know from talking to him myself about it all is that he had first of all never been shown any affection by his parents. His sister has since corroborated this. They weren't hugged as children or told they were loved. His father died before I met him but his Mother still to this day is pleasant enough but shows him no affection or love and seems a little keener on her more affluent nieces than her own children. She even refused a lift in our tatty old car home from a family gathering. She's quite snobby to be honest and I can see myself that my husband has just never felt good enough. So, it's understandable that he's not a touchy feely person.
The second thing is that he's had the delayed ejaculation problem all his life so, by his own admittance, he spent a lot of time faking it in previous relationships and turned to porn a lot because the only way he could ejaculate was through masturbation. The porn began to desensitize him over time. He admitted sometimes using it so much he would have to search for more on more weird things to get a buzz. Nothing bad. The unfortunate thing for him is I work in IT so found a lot of stuff he'd tried to hide. All of it was soft, fetish porn. So, in fact if the truth be told he didn't have a low sex drive at all. He had deep routed issues that were quite complex to unravel.
The suicide attempt and subsequent counselling and medication were our turning point.
Firstly, we talk. I have assured him I married him in sickness and in health and no matter what comes out of our talks I will try to help and understand. I don't badger him daily we just set aside time now and again for an hour or so. Then I told him I wanted him to try for a while to stop masturbating because I felt he was desensitized for sex. Having said all that, I did confirm for the sake of my own mental health and self worth that the only deal breaker in our marriage is if I find him using porn again. I say my own MH because I had begun to hate my body after finding him doing this so often when I was in the house. I've had to work hard to fix that in myself and he understands how much it has hurt me and agreed to quit.
I don't know which of these things helped, maybe a bit of everything and also we wondered if it was the relaxation effect of the antidepressants he has been taking but his delayed ejaculation is cured. It was like a small miracle the first time he achieved orgasm during sex but he hasn't had a problem since.
The intimacy issues are not gone, but we talk about them and spend a lot of time just lying close and touching each other and we tell each other I love you all the time. Everything is a million times better. And yes, a lot of the effort comes from me but I do things subtedly like, when he is on his way home from work and send suggestive messages. I know he isn't turned on by really hard core stuff so I simply tell him stuff like 'I have to admit, the other night sex was so good I masturbated thinking about it this morning.' By the time he gets home he's desperate for sex. I once took the dog for a walk in the rain in nothing but a huge raincoat and a big, ugly pair of wellies in the private field behind our house and texted to tell him as he was heading home. He raced out of the car and into the field and, after I laughingly flashed him - wearing wellies! - he wanted to have me there and then!
Too the guy that said 'take better care of yourself' I am a voluptuous size 16 woman and I was when my husband met me. My husband is naturally slim but I personally couldn't care less if he gained a few pounds. The key to all of it is that sex and feeling sexy starts in the brain. You've got to play around a little bit but not in an aggressive way. The point with my wellies escapade was that I made out I was just out of the shower and couldn't be bothered getting dressed and didn't seem to be suggesting anything remotely sexual in my welly boots! :)
Men like our husband's have deep routed issues and we already know that aggressively chasing that animalistic passion we begin to crave when living with a man like ours just turns him further away. Get clever, get talking, get patient, get counselling and work every day on your marriage. Who cares who is instigating the sex if you can make it great for both of you. Good luck x
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Re: Husband Has Low Sex Drive. I Need Advice.

Postby Scott Haltzman » Sun Jan 27, 2013 8:16 pm

What an inspiring story, AgentM. Thanks for sharing it. Now…where do women everywhere get a hold of those Wellies!
-Scott
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Re: Husband Has Low Sex Drive. I Need Advice.

Postby fallen1 » Mon Apr 29, 2013 6:53 pm

Hello,
I have this problem too. We are partners, and had a good sex life and fun relationship until 3 months together. We decided to move in together and since then it has been awful. He hardly ever initiates contact or intimacy.
At first it was because he was working hard, and I accepted this with reassurances from him. Now the stresses are gone, it is no different. He says that his ex wife would refuse to have sex with him in their relationship and he is not used to being desired by a woman. We have sex once every week sometimes ten days can go by. Mostly I initiate it, and he lies there as he says he loves me on top.
When I try to initiate it he usually refuses, then he'll make comments about wanting me to wear crotchless panties and sexy underwear. I'd do this gladly but fear being rejected again.
He's always telling me how he loves me and finds me sexy but its not followed up. He promises sex, then is always too tired or any other excuse. Its turning. Me from a confident woman to a wreck. I feel so ugly, and alone. I love him but I can't go on like this. He has just paid for us all to go on holiday, but the bed was too noisy for us to do much so he only managed 3 times, after promising things would be different. I'm string to walk on eggshells, withdraw, get angry and lash out verbally when he yet again comes up with an excuse. This evening he did it again. I don't know why he is with me. He says he loves me so much, he desires me, he wants to marry me etc, but no desire.
I don't know what to do. He wont go to counselling. He wont do anything. OK get called a bully and a sex pest. I only want it 1-2 times per week. Its killing tje relationahip for me, and im feeling so low and lonely.
I'm starting to feel like ending the relationship just too end the pain of it. I don't want to do it. I really don't. Please help.
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