I'd like to add some thought here related to my own situation which I hope you find helpful. I read the 'he didn't even instigate the first kiss' bit and right away a light bulb went on. My husband and I began our relationship in exactly the same way. I too am married to someone who has a difficulty with intimacy and he also suffered from delayed ejaculation. His previous marriage ended in his wife having an affair and although I don't tell him this, I understand - don't condone - but understand how she was driven to go outside of the marriage for intimacy, affection and sex. Because my husband 'appeared' to have a low sex drive and would hardly touch me and very rarely instigated sex. Now I am going to explain why I said 'appeared' to have.
Over the course of my relationship I have discovered him using porn even when I am upstairs in our bed ready and willing to have sex with him. It happened a lot in the beginning then something happened to change everything. Without going into too much detail we ended up in counselling after he tried to commit suicide. This was after I awoke one morning to find him masturbating IN BED BESIDE ME. For me, it was the ultimate rejection and I'd told him to leave.
The counselling he has received since has turned up some interesting things, not all of it was done together and my husband admits he can't talk to me about everything that came out. What I know from talking to him myself about it all is that he had first of all never been shown any affection by his parents. His sister has since corroborated this. They weren't hugged as children or told they were loved. His father died before I met him but his Mother still to this day is pleasant enough but shows him no affection or love and seems a little keener on her more affluent nieces than her own children. She even refused a lift in our tatty old car home from a family gathering. She's quite snobby to be honest and I can see myself that my husband has just never felt good enough. So, it's understandable that he's not a touchy feely person.
The second thing is that he's had the delayed ejaculation problem all his life so, by his own admittance, he spent a lot of time faking it in previous relationships and turned to porn a lot because the only way he could ejaculate was through masturbation. The porn began to desensitize him over time. He admitted sometimes using it so much he would have to search for more on more weird things to get a buzz. Nothing bad. The unfortunate thing for him is I work in IT so found a lot of stuff he'd tried to hide. All of it was soft, fetish porn. So, in fact if the truth be told he didn't have a low sex drive at all. He had deep routed issues that were quite complex to unravel.
The suicide attempt and subsequent counselling and medication were our turning point.
Firstly, we talk. I have assured him I married him in sickness and in health and no matter what comes out of our talks I will try to help and understand. I don't badger him daily we just set aside time now and again for an hour or so. Then I told him I wanted him to try for a while to stop masturbating because I felt he was desensitized for sex. Having said all that, I did confirm for the sake of my own mental health and self worth that the only deal breaker in our marriage is if I find him using porn again. I say my own MH because I had begun to hate my body after finding him doing this so often when I was in the house. I've had to work hard to fix that in myself and he understands how much it has hurt me and agreed to quit.
I don't know which of these things helped, maybe a bit of everything and also we wondered if it was the relaxation effect of the antidepressants he has been taking but his delayed ejaculation is cured. It was like a small miracle the first time he achieved orgasm during sex but he hasn't had a problem since.
The intimacy issues are not gone, but we talk about them and spend a lot of time just lying close and touching each other and we tell each other I love you all the time. Everything is a million times better. And yes, a lot of the effort comes from me but I do things subtedly like, when he is on his way home from work and send suggestive messages. I know he isn't turned on by really hard core stuff so I simply tell him stuff like 'I have to admit, the other night sex was so good I masturbated thinking about it this morning.' By the time he gets home he's desperate for sex. I once took the dog for a walk in the rain in nothing but a huge raincoat and a big, ugly pair of wellies in the private field behind our house and texted to tell him as he was heading home. He raced out of the car and into the field and, after I laughingly flashed him - wearing wellies! - he wanted to have me there and then!
Too the guy that said 'take better care of yourself' I am a voluptuous size 16 woman and I was when my husband met me. My husband is naturally slim but I personally couldn't care less if he gained a few pounds. The key to all of it is that sex and feeling sexy starts in the brain. You've got to play around a little bit but not in an aggressive way. The point with my wellies escapade was that I made out I was just out of the shower and couldn't be bothered getting dressed and didn't seem to be suggesting anything remotely sexual in my welly boots!
Men like our husband's have deep routed issues and we already know that aggressively chasing that animalistic passion we begin to crave when living with a man like ours just turns him further away. Get clever, get talking, get patient, get counselling and work every day on your marriage. Who cares who is instigating the sex if you can make it great for both of you. Good luck x