Wife tested me

[Basil2006]

hi im john
Im married to a filipina. my wife said to me "i dont love you anymore" and " i want divorce"..
when i went back home..i found out through her aunt that she only tested me to see how i react..
her aunt also mentioned that she tested me because of past relationship with her past bf`s(before she met and married me)
But what im thinking and confussed about is...why did she test me eventhough im different to her past bf and i married and love her..
please can anyone help me in this situation
john

[Scott Haltzman]

Hi John,
How did you meet your wife?
S.H.

[Basil2006]

Hi scott i met her over the internet back in september 2007

[Scott Haltzman]

What do you think the main attraction that you had for her was?
Was it the kind of attraction that women in your native Ireland had for you?
What was your courtship like? How did you develop trust for each other/get to know each other?

[Basil2006]

well its like this...when i met my wife back then..she was my 1st ever girlfriend..now wife.
She is from the philipinnes.
I allways called her,send her emails pictures..etc...i allways sang her to sleep over the phone..sent her flowers for valentines day etc.
She had bf`s before me and they never took an intrest in her,they only wanted s**
When i went over to see her,her family loved me since day 1,went out together etc
me and my wife went out also together,disco,party etc.
I proposed to her,and she said yes...we got married on april 21st..on my birthday!
It was after i went back home to ireland...because were 10.000km apart and its different calling then seeing eachother and i had to wait for 9 months to go back and see her again..this time for christmas!
when i went back in christmas 2008 she told me first she dont love me anymore and wanted divorce...
then she lied to me stating her phone got stolen..where as the truth is she sold it for money and was shy to ask me for money!
And also she mentioned she loved someone else...which of course is not true because her aunt talked to her and my wife told her aunt that she only tested me to see how i react!
What i dont understand is...why test me in that way..and why test me after we got married and not beforehand???
I mean i understand she comes from a poor background!
but if she married me..then why test me??
I just dont get it!
Even now she knows she wont test me anymore and she wont lie to me,she allways ask me now for money.
I respect her and love her by being there for her and helping her out,and i she loves when i allways call her and send her things..clothes,money etc.
I mean i never even ask her for s**..i allways wait until when she wants..
And she is beautifull..asian women are wonderfull people,very loving and caring.
But to test me and lie to me and pretend to her family she loves me..that is going beyond!
When we had the argument..i was going to pack my bags and leave her for good..but she pleded me not to go..because she knew that no one else loves her and cares for her like me..
She asked for forgiveness and a 2nd chance...i could have said NO.
But i forgave her for her mistake of testing and liying to me.
Im now working on getting her spouse visa to ireland,so she can live her in a good country and not to worry about living in poverty!
john

[Scott Haltzman]

So, it seems to me that you take your vows, and then you take your chances. That's one of the reasons that people court.
In the dating phase, we try to get to know each other, and even well meaning people are somewhat deceptive. For instance, I always kept my apartment neat when my wife-to-be would come over for a date. That wasn't a true reflection of who I am. You get the idea.
The problem with Internet courting, or any long distance courting (I have some clients who are dating people in jail) is that the person is able to highly edit who they are/what you know about them.
It's hard for me to imagine that any person who loves another under the circumstances of you two (going months without seeing each other) would inflict pain upon the other in the name of a "test." Would you ever do that to a person? Ask your friends, would they/have they ever done that to another person.
Perhaps you are learning something about her character that you didn't know before.
To me it begs the question, what other "tests" are ahead?
S.H.

The comments by Dr. Haltzman are not intended to reflect advice or medical information and should not be interpreted as such; rather they are reflective of discussion points for the purpose of generating and sharing of information in this forum.