Sex Life Took A Nose Dive After Childbirth

[tlescak]

I am a 36 year old male. My wife is 40. We had a child 4 years ago. When we met 7 years ago sex was amazing. We did it all, all the time. Once we did it 7 times in one day. She used to wear exotic lingerie, and was into kinky things like tying each other up.

After our child was born, it seemed like her interest in sex fizzled.
Now we have sex once or twice a week. She doesn't do oral anymore and won't let me do it to her. I try to talk to her about it but she says. "You sit around and think about this stuff?" I feel like she has sex out of a sense of obligation.

I know I'm not as bad off as a lot of posters here. But I can't help but feel slighted. She says that the passion will return, but I don't see it, and it's getting harder and harder to envision spending my life with someone so void of sexual energy.

Our lives are great together, I have no complaints other than we're not on the same page sexually.

Anyone else out there feel the same way?

[txexwife]

I almost hate to say this but with a 4 year old around your wife became mom not wife. I forgot that when my kids were little - told myself that he was an adult and could take care of himself. What happened was that our marriage died little by little until it was gone. Court her, seduce her really slow tease - no sex at first and then work up to it . Remind her that she is important to you as a wife not mom and that it is not all about sex. That is what it became for me - he would watch a dirty movie and then come to our bed and want sex. He had me and did not have to work for it. Women need to feel desired not just for sex. I am very tactile and love to just lay there in a mans arms and touch. Those things got lost in my marriage and right after so did my interest in sex. Do things like touch when you are out - hold hands - stuff you would have done when you were dating. Tell her why. I read a book this past weekend that said you should treat your wife like you were cheating with her every day of your marriage. Made real sense to me as a 40 year old woman.

[tlescak]

Thanks txexwife, that's really good advice.

[happy in PA]

With young children, heck even with teenage children, it is difficult to share deep intimacy. The children become your focus and sometimes both husband and wife forget that they married to spend time with one another. My wife and I were just talking about this the other night.

During our child rearing years our sex-life seemed to me to be non-existant. I am sure to my wife I seemed like a hormone filled teenager. But we managed to work through those times and have gotten through those years grateful for the patience that each of us showed the other.

I would certainly agree with txexwife, that you have to make your wife feel appreciated and loved. The problem is that sometimes we think we are doing that, but the message doesn't come across. Be patient, continue to keep the lines of communication open and remember why you married this woman.

[Hremom]

txexwife made some really good points. For me it seems all the intimacy and romance has gone out of our marriage and sex is no longer making love, it's just slam, bam, thank you ma'am sex. I feel more like a hooker than a wife and lover.

Also, I know after my third child my sex drive really dropped until I started getting regular exercise. I started walking an average of 3 miles a day and suddenly my sex drive went through the roof! Things were great for a while, then I got pregnant with number four. Now we're lucky if we have sex once a month and neither of us is happy about it.

[evjuq]

As a woman with two children I know about this problem.
There are several sides of it.
First she may think that her body is not attractive after childbirth. Lots of women need to know that they have sexy bodies to be aroused.
Second she worries about her baby and cant think about sex.
Third may be she had hard birth and the idea of sex is connected with pain in her mind.
And so forth.
So there are different reasons.
My husband has complained on absence of sex and I didn't know what to do, because I had the lack of desire.
The only think you can do is to be patient, wise and inventive. She needs new stimuli to have sex. The help of my husband was great and I also used Sentia pills without his knowledge which were great too. You may prompt her to use them or any other women's product to increase libido.

[marriedstud83]

Hey all-
My name is Brent. I am 23 years old and happily married. My wife delivered last december and since then she has no interest in sex whatsoever. I want to be intimate with her again. I know that having intimacy in your marriage makes husband and wife closer but since she delivered our love life is down the drain. What am I supposed to do?
Please help,
marriedstud83

[Lonely Canuck]

It has been said that for a man, foreplay begins in the bedroom. For a woman, it starts two days before! I think that there is a lot of truth to that, and it is similar to what txexwife noted before. Talk to her about it. Find out how she feels. Perhaps she has no interest in it after breastfeeding baby all day, and just wants to be left alone for a while. Good Luck!

[doncalypso]

All these reports about loss of libido following childbirth makes me wonder whether I ever want to get married... And if I do get married I wonder if it's even worth it to have children given that sex pretty much stops once the rugrats are born.

[tlescak]

All these reports about loss of libido following childbirth makes me wonder whether I ever want to get married... And if I do get married I wonder if it's even worth it to have children given that sex pretty much stops once the rugrats are born.

Nothing in life that is worthwhile is free or cheap. Yes, sex does slow down once you have children sucking the life out of you. If you have toddlers, slobbering, wallowing and hugging all over you all day long you're really not in the mood to have someone doing that once the lights go out.

What about other things of value in life other than sex? What about emotional intimacy, love, trust, family, children to grow with and to grow old with?

Sex hasn't stopped for me and my wife, we have sex once or twice a week, and I have to admit sometimes it's me who is too exhausted.
No she doesn't give me head driving down the road or come to bed in latex and tie me to the bedposts anymore, but maybe those times will return when the kids are more independent.

I think as we grow old what we value in life changes. Sex becomes less of a priority and things like family, friendship, emotional intimacy, and people who we can trust and who care about us become more of a priority.

I have a neighbor, he is 60 years old, he has no wife and never had children. He doesn't seem like the happiest person in the world, and I wouldn't trade places with him for anything.

[ThunderHorse]

What are you doing to spice it up?

How much soundproofing do you have for your bedroom? I haved a noisy air purifier I put near the door, so our screems are masked from the kids,
.

[ionicbitterness]

MS83--you might urge her to real a recent post on laura berman's blog.

http://health.yahoo.com/experts/sexualh ... oe82lLvs8F

[SwEeT_PeA_143]

I remember what sex was like before I had my baby. It was wonderful! But, there are many reasons sex drive drops after having a baby. Someone mentioned the fact that after a baby ravages your body, you don't feel all that attractive most times. It takes a while to get your body back and feel good about the way you look again...unless you're one of those people that look like you never had a baby at all. Well, bah to them!

Also, what it could be...what I think it is with me and I have all good intentions to speak with my Doctor about it soon, is that it could very well be a horomonal imbalance. Pregnancy really messes with a woman's horomones. Sometimes it's really tough to get those all back in line again. Maybe she would consider looking into some horomone therapy.

[NuBNPrince]

My wife & I are going through the same thing.

We've known each other for 4 years, and we've been married for 1 1/2 years. I'm 32, she's 29. She just had a baby 2 months ago. My wife's sex drive, however, diminished almost immediately after she found out she was pregnant. So, since last December... we've had sex maybe 6 times. And I'm willing to bet that she got very little enjoyment out of those sessions, and was just trying to give in to make me happy. One of those sessions was 2 days before the baby was born... and my wife was joking around about sex at the end of the 3rd trimester possibly inducing labor... so I kinda feel "used"... *L*

Anyway... it doesn't make me look at her any less. In fact, my desire for her has increased this entire time, and she's become more and more beautiful to me. She says she's still attracted to me too. But things have changed. It's not just that sex is gone from our relationship. She doesn't like the things she used to like. We don't kiss deeply and passionately anymore. She doesn't like her breasts touched at all (but I can understand this one). Touching her in intimate places on her body that used to turn her on now only irritate or tickle her. I feel like I have to re-learn my wife (which I don't mind), but her lack of desire for intimacy is making it difficult for me to make any headway in this regard.

And besides this, she won't do anything for me at all. I won't even go as far as asking for oral - she gives me dirty looks if I even mention it. If I ask for a handjob, she gives me a different look - a "throw my hands up, sorry but no" look. She even gets mad at me if I pleasure myself.

Not only is being rejected constantly frustrating me, but it's gotten to a point where it's made me look negatively upon myself... feeling unworthy of my wife's love & attention, and lonely. And never mind that I'm a roller coaster of emotions right now... dealing with being a new father, and my own father just passed away 3 weeks ago. I've had to seek the counsel of our church's Pastor to help me get over these feelings.

She has mentioned that she would like to talk to someone and see what kind of help is available for her, and she's even said that she misses how our relationship was.

I love my wife dearly, neither of us believes in divorce, so I'm just being patient, giving her as much love and comfort as I can, and hoping and praying that this is temporary.

[ThunderHorse]

My wife & I are going through the same thing.

We've known each other for 4 years, and we've been married for 1 1/2 years. I'm 32, she's 29. She just had a baby 2 months ago. My wife's sex drive, however, diminished almost immediately after she found out she was pregnant. So, since last December... we've had sex maybe 6 times. And I'm willing to bet that she got very little enjoyment out of those sessions, and was just trying to give in to make me happy. One of those sessions was 2 days before the baby was born... and my wife was joking around about sex at the end of the 3rd trimester possibly inducing labor... so I kinda feel "used"... *L*

Anyway... it doesn't make me look at her any less. In fact, my desire for her has increased this entire time, and she's become more and more beautiful to me. She says she's still attracted to me too. But things have changed. It's not just that sex is gone from our relationship. She doesn't like the things she used to like. We don't kiss deeply and passionately anymore. She doesn't like her breasts touched at all (but I can understand this one). Touching her in intimate places on her body that used to turn her on now only irritate or tickle her. I feel like I have to re-learn my wife (which I don't mind), but her lack of desire for intimacy is making it difficult for me to make any headway in this regard.

And besides this, she won't do anything for me at all. I won't even go as far as asking for oral - she gives me dirty looks if I even mention it. If I ask for a handjob, she gives me a different look - a "throw my hands up, sorry but no" look. She even gets mad at me if I pleasure myself.

Not only is being rejected constantly frustrating me, but it's gotten to a point where it's made me look negatively upon myself... feeling unworthy of my wife's love & attention, and lonely. And never mind that I'm a roller coaster of emotions right now... dealing with being a new father, and my own father just passed away 3 weeks ago. I've had to seek the counsel of our church's Pastor to help me get over these feelings.

She has mentioned that she would like to talk to someone and see what kind of help is available for her, and she's even said that she misses how our relationship was.

I love my wife dearly, neither of us believes in divorce, so I'm just being patient, giving her as much love and comfort as I can, and hoping and praying that this is temporary.

Chapter 9 of he Husband's secrets book has some ways to get things started, in early stages of arousal. How is yhour foot massage techniques? What tapes and books do you have on massage. You don't mention getting rejected from a back rub.

A process of trying various massage techniques until you find a non-ticlish spot that hou can squeeze and releast pressure on the muscles, thatg will release endorphins into her blood stream. Try different body parts. Try different colognes.

Try bringing her pleasure, so she will be sufficiently aroused, to at least enjoy your having pleasure, in her company.

Try different times of the day or night. Go to bed early, so you are fresh at the time she is most easily aroused. Did you ever hear the song, "Catfish bite at night?" What times have you tried, at what levels of arousal? Do you have your own alarm clock?



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