, but I'd really appreciate any opinions on this (warning- kinda long post):
I dated my ex-boyfriend in med school for 3 years in the mid-nineties and it ended badly because we both worked too hard, a lot of it was long-distance (he was an exchange student), and there was a string of misunderstandings. I was a shy late-bloomer, and it was extremely difficult for me to break up with my only friend in school, whom I was 'dating' but liked only platonically (no sex). Several times my ex flew back to see me and I still hadn't managed to break free - my guy friend kept begging me back each time I tried to break up with him. Plus, he could never get time off to see me due to his constantly working on his thesis, and I didn't want to be alone with no friends. After I finally broke free, there was a time when my ex stopped emailing me for 2 weeks (very tough on any girl in love!), and a tired-sounding girl answered when I called him at 8am his time. I freaked out and thought the worst--during all of this time he never told me he loved me, so I wasn't sure--so I accepted a date with another (substitute) exchange student. He swears to this day that internet access was extremely difficult at this time for some reason, and that the girl was his roommate's girlfriend. The fourth time he flew over to see me, he *finally* told me he loved me and that he'd taken all of the US medical exams in order to move to the here to be with me. Unfortunately I was so overworked, overstressed, and overtired at this point during my intern year that I couldn't take the extra stress of feeling vulnerable, and I had already put up an emotional wall once I'd started dating the new exchange student. He called me about a year later and said how stupid we both were and that he was coming to visit me. He never did, and he recently told me that it was because he found out I was dating someone else and he couldn't face that scenario again.
Fast-forward 11 years, when after sporadically trying to contact him without success, I email him. He tells me he married and now has one little girl and one on the way. He sends me his picture and asks me to send mine, and then compliments me on how fantastic-looking I still am. I am crestfallen about the situation (I'm still single), and so I stop writing, despite his multiple emails encouraging me to write back. Almost 2 years later, he emails me out of the blue because he'd heard "our tango" and then found a picture of me on the internet, and the audiovisual combination "strongly touched" him. He said he was coming to the US for a conference, and that he'd like to take me out to dinner.
In the beginning of this email exchange, I was honestly OK with seeing him again, becuase my feelings for him (I thought) were safely buried and in the past. We started a lighthearted and flirty e-chat, although when he got a bit too flirty I diverted the conversation to something like his new job. We also reminisced about old times and cleared the air about the misunderstandings we had. He said he thought I was cold and could not or did not love him, and when I explained what I was thinking and how I misunderstood him, he got flirtier (kissing my neck? Blowing kisses over the atlantic, sending me flowers, and thinking of me while at his work dinner? ...wanting to come here to *smell* me??)
It was then that my buried feelings surfaced and I became very upset (for me and his current wife). I asked him if he was happy. He says he is, but the tango music reminded him of "probably the most beloved person in [his] life", and he realized how strong the feelings still are...and how stupid both of us were not realizing this much earlier... I told him that having my feelings stirred up by flirty chat was not the best thing for me now. He agreed that living in the past is not good and "we all have to live our way which we chose or which just happened" ...but then he finds it ironic that although we were topscoring in med school "we didn't succeed in the simplest thing in life... frankly talking about feelings and thoughts..." I told him I was too vulnerable to him back in school and was waiting for *him* to say something about his feelings towards me. He then says that listening to the tango music, he realizes that he is *still* vulnerable to me...
I asked him why he is saying things like this, and he replies that he could never forgive himself that he'd been so stupid to give up on me. He tells me he still keeps an old t-shirt with my mascara stain on it from when I was crying on his shoulder, and an old cardigan with goose-sh*t (still) on it from when a goose sh*t on him while we were making out.
Well, by then I was just totally freaked out, crying in the middle of work. I asked "What do you want me to do about it? You say you are happily married; I suggest you stay that way by not continuing this flirty conversation. It's upsetting me, and I don't think your wife would be too happy about it either..." He apologizes for upsetting me and defends himself by saying his wife knows that I was his 'great love' and how stupidly this all ended...
He emails me the next day jokingly asking me to prescribe him something for better 'vision', and I totally ripped into him (in retrospect maybe a little harshly, but I was upset!). I said that it was really not fair of him to come out of nowhere--as a happily married man--and stir up my buried feelings for him by saying the things that he did. I asked him if felt this way about me, then why didn't he visit me or call me before he asked someone else to marry him? He didn't, and my only conclusion is that he does love her and has a big vulnerability to her as well. I said "You know you can't have your cake and eat it too, [ex's name], and half of me thinks you are just a bit bored in your marriage and wanted a little outside stimulation and ego gratification...Selfish, disrespectful and pointless. I deserve better..."
He said he was terribly sorry that this happened, an that listening to the tango music broke up an old wound, which obviously never had the chance to really heal. His father had recently died unexpectedly, and he'd just landed an important new job in a new town and was reviewing his life while alone in the new house. He says truly loves his family and his wife and that he would never give up on this life...
My question is: Can a person be truly happy in their marriage and do something like this? The things he said to me I *know* would break his wife's heart! I know mine's broken, and I need to move on....
Thanks for any and all viewpoints!