on the other side of the fence...

on the other side of the fence...

Postby kingston7 » Thu Dec 10, 2009 3:47 pm

My husband and I have been married for TWO months. We love each other very much and we are both very understanding about what each of our roles entail in our marriage. We have four children 7, 5, 3, and 7 mo. He is 27 and I am 28. I was a single mom of three when we met a year and a half ago, and we had our recent addition together. Being newly weds, I was under the immpression we would have lots of really good sex. After constant rejection from him, I asked if they're is something wrong with our sex life (or lack their of) that is causing a problem, and I just kept getting the typical I'm tired...etc. We only have sex once a week if that...So one night over cassual cocktails, he finally blurted out I do not physically turn him on. Very pleased my husband was honest about his feelings I told him I suspected that to be tha issue (he is a personal trainer and is very phisically fit and very handsome). I told him I understand and that I would try to loose some weight, (by the way I am not even that big I am a size 8 or 10 and I'm 5'9 JUST had baby and mom of four!) Sooo now I know why our sex life has been totally none existant, I feel so much pressure now to not only be wife and mom but now loose 20 lbs or so. What I now struggle with is knowing how he sees me now. I feel HUGE and like he is not attracted to me at all! I feel ugly and rejected, he doesn't even take an interest in me wanting to try new things and when we do have sex it's like he does it out of a physical need only. I cook, I keep a clean house and I tell him all the time how much I want him...how do I turn him on if I don't turn him??? I just want to be wanted like any wife or woman and even though I am taking steps to loose weight it still takes time, I just want him to tell me he wants me and thinks I am beautiful. How do I handle this with out him resenting the fact he was honest with me? Besides, I will never be a stay at home mom and the porn star he wants me to be, he so overly critical I have a hard time staying motivated to even try to innitiate sex. So tired of rejection...really needing some insight!!!
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Joined: Thu Dec 10, 2009 3:10 pm

Postby ThunderHorse » Mon Dec 14, 2009 2:13 am

Your husband saying that he does not find you attractive may be true and honest on one level. There maybe more levels of honesty and truth.

Attractiveness of a woman to a man has also to do with her other interaction with the husband.

A woman usually has little understanding of how to be respectful to a man.

A wife can be very cutting to a man, without her even realizing she has cut her man to the bone.

Also, you are going through a readjustment after having been living together without children of his own, to having a child with you, to being married with children. You might look back to see what changes you have made, as the relationshikp has progressed.

To be respectful to a man, you need to understand his politics, his sports teams, hie religious beliefs, personal philosphies, his basic of ehtics of right and wrong, prison versus probabtion offenses, etc. You do not descrie his challenges, and the effort he makes to work, and support you.

Women generally like to ventilate their ideas when they talk to their husband. But this thinking-through type of conversation might include mentioning concepts that are discouraging to the husband.

So I suggest using this thread to describe how you are being respectful to the ideas of your husband, by listing what you know about his beliefs, and what you try to void saying, and mistakes you have made this week, in not being as respectul as possible.

When I criticize my 32 year old son, my wife gets upset with me. I have criticized our son several times this week. I should better ask questions, rather than making statements, to get my point across.

Have you found Weight Watcher's helpful? What green diamond foods do you like? What does your husband like to eat? Is that the same as the children like to eat? Is there room in the refrigerator for what your husband likes to eat?

I have a drawer in the refrigerator and a shelf in the freezer. My wife is constantly putting her stuff in my areas. So when I pick up some of my goodies, knowing I have room, there is no room for my stuff, when I get home.

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Re: on the other side of the fence...

Postby mmaceia » Sun Dec 02, 2012 7:44 pm

HI ,so you and your husband have been married for two month,and recently had a new baby.
Since the baby was born your husband hasn't been wanting to have sex with you,maybe once a week.
You wasn't to sure if he had lost interest or not until he told you he wasn't attracted to you.
Also you stated that you husband is a personal trainer and is overly critical of you.
There is a term called physical attractiveness stereotype my professor Dr.Misiurski quoted.
"The presumption that physically attractive people possess other socially desirable traits as well;What is beautiful is good."
"We have a bias-toward assuming that others share our attitudes.We also tend to see those we like as being like us(Castelli and others 2009).
Getting to know someone discovering that the person is actually dissimilar- tends to decrease liking(Norton and others 2007).
In your case,communication with your husband is very important.Talking about both of your likes and dislike as a couple.
Also getting back to the thing that attracted you two to one another such as more time together, date nights once a week, maybe even working out together.
Marriage is a serious commitment your husband needs to know how you feel so you can together fix what wrong.
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Joined: Fri Nov 30, 2012 1:00 pm

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