i'm nosediving fast. please help me.

i'm nosediving fast. please help me.

Postby Ghost » Tue Dec 15, 2009 8:51 pm

my background: i always was the lovesick puppy who just wanted to find someone. didn't date much because i pined after only a handful of girl my whole adolescent life.

met my wife. she's pretty, sociable, caring, loving, loyal, great cook. we were arranged rather quickly. We weren't forced to get married, but it was heavily influenced. problem is that i was moderately attracted to her, but we never clicked on a personality level and we didn't have much sexual chemistry. i'm 30 and we been together 7 years. she's not doing anything wrong, but i need a completely different person to make me happy as we have no commonality. i never felt understood and never felt i could be myself around her.

with all of our years of fighting and not having any chemistry with her, i am not attracted to her anymore at all. our sex life was never good and right now it's almost criminal how much i don't initiate sex in the past two years.

she's not happy, but she thinks we will magically be better. i tried explaining that we don't click and that we should find some happiness elsewhere several times over the years, but she doesn't want to leave when i try to talk nicely to her. she never agrees and i feel bad and wanting to work it out, because she's a fundamentally good wife, but in reality, i'm really wishing she would be different person.

she's basically always dared me to kick her out if i want to end it. she doesn't understand that i love her and don't want to hurt her. well, not having the courage to be the bad guy and kick her out has left our relationship getting worse by the day. I'm pummeling her emotionally everyday.

I've neglected her and our relationship for years because i was never engaged in it and i have to work long hours just to scrape by in mediocrity. i have told her finally that i'm not attracted to her. i get sick to my stomach when i see her from all the times i have hurt her. i'm putting in late hours now partly due to some major deadlines, but also avoiding being around her when she's awake. i come home at 2am and gone by 8am. i live at work.....and i hate my job.

i'm on antidepressants and ADD medication that i started in Sept. to fight life long mental issues. i've burned out on my work for years, and now the recession is really pouring gasoline on things which finally led me to seek help.

should i give the drugs more time to work? i'm quitting my job and having my parents support us as i try to get my sanity back and try to save my marriage.

most of my peers and family want me to try and work it out because marriage it tough, etc. right now, i don't ever want to be married and don't know why anyone ever does get married. i'm the complete opposite of the person i was before i met my wife.

is it simply that i don't have courage to end it?
Is it my mental issues that won't allow me to love her for who she is?
how did i become so different? will i revert back to the lovesick puppy when i'm single again?
i'm the kind of person that cries in romantic comedies, when two people find each other...yet why is that i'm rejecting AND hurting someone who loves me so unconditionally to put up with my abuse. (either that, or her self esteem issues has her comfortably uncomfortable in marriage that looks good to on the outside, but is empty within.)
i can't tell if i'm mature for trying to be show that we don't have any rock to build our foundation of if she's the mature one for enduring.

i live in an area where i was lucky to even find a psychiatrist who would take me in and the one i'm with is so topical with his questions. he just states the obvious that my work and my relationship is affecting me. Should i see a psychiatrist for the meds, but do counseling with a psychologist? the guy doesn't take notes and he's repeated questions from session to session. i need the meds, so i keep going and it's hard to find a doctor who is taking new patients.
Ghost
 
Posts: 1
Joined: Tue Dec 15, 2009 6:44 pm

Postby ThunderHorse » Thu Dec 17, 2009 7:28 am

What do you fight about with your wife?

Why do you have to quit your job?

Do you offer to listen to your wife, to let her think out her concerns and issues?

How could your wife show you more respect about your being yourself?

How are your massage skills?


How could you phrase a request to ask your wife to be more respectful about one of your beliefs, that she does not seem to understand?

What results are you expecting from the meds?

What methods are you using to manage the dosage of the meds? Have you ever tried putting the contents of the capsules in a soda bottle, filled with water, and shaking contents, and marking the dosage on the label of the bottle, so you can drink the dosage you might need?




..
ThunderHorse
 
Posts: 636
Joined: Mon Jul 31, 2006 6:10 pm

Postby ThunderHorse » Thu Dec 17, 2009 9:59 am

I you are ADD, and you are seeking Chemistry Zing of a relationship, it most probably would be with a woman who also has ADHD.

Apparently your current wife is not ADHD. There is an advantage for an ADHD person to find a non-ADHD spouse, so their household can have some semblence of sanity. Two ADHD spouses is an adventure.

There is an advantage to trying to enjoy the woman you have. Think of some little change you wold like to see, and work on that for a week or a month.

You can be thankful that the spouse who has become attached to you, is not ADHD, and is providing some stability for you. Try to find ways to enjoy your wife, and avoid thinking criticizing thoughts about her.



..
ThunderHorse
 
Posts: 636
Joined: Mon Jul 31, 2006 6:10 pm

Re: i'm nosediving fast. please help me.

Postby Andrea1107 » Tue Nov 22, 2011 3:16 pm

You say that your marriage was not arranged but that your union was heavily influenced.” I think the main issue may be that you were only “moderately” attracted to your wife. She was someone that perhaps looked good on paper but you had no real attraction to as a woman. You write that you had no sexual chemistry and that personality wise you never really fit. The fact that you cannot be yourself around her is paramount. I know that it is essential to feel at least a physical attraction to your significant other. It is that initial animalistic lustful attraction that draws you to the person and fuels the relationship as it grow into something deeper with emotional and spiritual components. If you began the relationship void of these feelings than it almost seems destined to fail.
Perhaps as you both have grown in these 7 years you have been together you have transformed as individuals and you may need to take the time to learn about each other. I suggest that perhaps you seek counseling. That objective view may help you figure out what you can change within yourself to help salvage the marriage and the same for her. Also, maybe it would be beneficial for you both to have a date night where each week one of you decides the night’s events. This allows you to let the other person see what you like to do and learn more about you as a person.
It is good that you are now on medication to help with you depression and ADD. This may help stabilize your emotions and could be helpful to you current situation. I understand that relationships are difficult and there are many barriers but I believe that we should always try all our options and when your options have been exhausted than maybe you should look at a possible separation. However, that should be the last resort.
You question whether you have the courage to end the relationship. It seems that a part of you does not want to end the relationship. If you really feel as if you do not want to continue with you wife, than you would have left already. The fact that you are still there is substantial. It is more than just not having the courage. In the seven year you have been together you have created some bond with your wife despite the numerous flaws to the relationship.
So my suggestions are to get counseling, try having a date night each week, and continue with you medication. These things may positively influence you relationship which may result in long term happiness with your partner. :)
Andrea1107
 
Posts: 3
Joined: Tue Nov 22, 2011 1:58 pm


Return to Intimacy

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 5 guests

cron